Friday, February 26, 2010

Where We Return to From Whence This Page Came. (And Jesus Freshman on a "Bass Fishing" A Euphemism?") The Old School Smackdown.

Traffic Tammie: I'm sorry but, "There was ice on the roads, so I didn't want to speed and be all dangerous and stuff, so I missed my exam," isn't an acceptable excuse. We all knew there'd be ice on the roads - funny how that happens when it's cold, eh? But thanks for emailing me...4 minutes before the exam began...from your car...while driving. "But, I live in [a really nice area of town known for its rich-bitch kids, surgery-addicted soccer moms, and traffic jams worse than the 3rd circle of hell]. And I just couldn't make it in." Funny, again - since I live 3 times farther away from campus than you, and yet I arrived...early. Oh, and your classmate, Punctual Patti, is your friggin' roomate and she miraculously made it here on time. Seriously, go get a drop form. Like, now.

Pwned Petey: I think it's great you want to "be" Dr. Herpetologist when you grow up. But, just being "cool" and going bass-fishing incessantly (and bragging about this to Dr. H) will not help you in the least in *my* lab. You're going to need to know way more than how to gut a fish to pass your lab practical tomorrow. If I were you, I'd start planning for a career in swamp tourism...

Anal Annette: Ok, I get it - you want to know every-fucking-thing under the sun. But, honey, that doesn't mean shit if you do a brain-dump immediately after every test. Remember, you're the one who wants to go to med school - which involves passing a *huge* standardized test - about stuff you I strongly suspect my lab course will be the first "B" to maim your impeccable college transcript. If you need the name of a good therapist once that happens, I got the hook-up, yo.

Registrar Rita: What the fuck?!? I filed all my employments form in December, and I'm still not getting paid? Oh, right - I had to put in 2 sets of forms - 1 for the TA job and 1 for the instructor job (which makes no fucking sense whatsoever, by the way) - and now these competing forms are mutually excluding me from getting a paycheck...til June...or later. Awesome! Guess I'll be dining at your place til the term's over, since I'm too broke even for ramen. My dislikes: fish, coconut, melon, whole milk, and your bureaucratic bullshit, twinkle toes. Let me talk to someone with actual authority or I swear I will lace your monstrous mug o' joe with ethydium bromide during your next pee break. Intercalate this, bitch!