Thursday, June 25, 2009

Top 10 Reasons I'm Not Bumping Your Grade.

10) The syllabus specifically states not to ask for a grade bump. But seeing as you're asking, and you had to scan the syllabus for my contact info, you don't care what the syllabus says. To foster a mutually shared experience of ignoring written materials, I'm now going to ignore your email.

9) Several months after the fact you're now declaring that you were 'not feeling well' during a previous midterm, which affected your academic performance, and you now want an 'adjustment' to your grade that reflects that? Sure thing, as soon as monkeys or pigs, or some other type of animal, magically flies out of my ass holding a valid doctor's note dated the same day as that long-ago midterm.

8) It's all about the Benjamins, baby.

7) You want a grade bump from a D to a C+ so that you can make Science one of your 'Teachables' for your teaching degree? If you're getting a D in 1st year Intro to Biology, then I sure as hell don't want you teaching my kids science.

6) You'll do "ANYTHING" to get a grade bump? Unfortunately, the stress over my upcoming tenure review and the accompanying barrel of Scotch I've been drowning myself in for the last few months means that there's currently no urges nor active nerve endings down there, so that particular carrot on a stick won't work this time. If you'd taken the course last year...

5) There is no number 5.

4) If I don't give you a grade bump you're going to complain to the Dean? Go ahead, the Dean hates students more than I do, beeyatch.

3) You want a grade bump from A to A+ so that you've got a decent shot at getting into med school/dentistry/optometry/etc.? I don't want to be operated on by some schmoe who got into med school because of a grade bump. Then again, there is that old joke "What do you call a person who just barely passed every test in med school? - Doctor."

2) You want a grade bump because "it'll really help your GPA"? I got news for you, a grade bump will help ANYONE's GPA. Getting a higher mark than the one you actually deserve will ALWAYS do wonders to one's GPA.

1) You're a 4th year student with a major in a different science department, you failed miserably in this 1st year science course that you thought would be an easy elective, and your whole family has already bought plane tickets to come all the way across the country to a graduation ceremony in one month's time that you won't be attending because failure in this course means that you don't have enough credits to graduate. Um, sucks to be you, dude. At least have them check out the museums so the trip isn't a total loss.