Cash Figures Out Another RYS Staple...the Shitty Links.

• 5th grade teacher distributes homemade sex tape to students. And we used to just get lollipops from ours. From CBSnews.com


• College filmmakers get busted for shooting public sex simulation. And From Myrtle Beach Time News.


• Teen girls get paid not to get pregnant through UNC-Greensboro program. Teen boys apparently getting nothing, just like usual. From Inside Higher Ed.


• Students on Facebook down; 55+ on Facebook up! You're more likely to find your dad than your broheims. From ZDnet.com


• Colleges teach student-athletes the pitfalls of social networking. "Here's me, here's the trophy, and here's my dingle." From ESPN.com.


• Some proffies love the concise nature of the 140 character tweet. And how many of the 140 characters are plagiarized? From Washington Post.

"So, You Didn't Get This Job Either. What Is It That's Wrong With You?" A Reader Reaches Out.

To Adam in Albuquerque....call the whambulance..

WHAwhaWHAwhaWHAwha...

I was on two hiring committees this Spring for tenure track positions in my department and another very different discipline. In the other department, they hired the “part-timer here with an impeccable record” that had a “history of full time tenure track work exactly like what is needed at (This) college.” Why? She was a fabulous colleague, even better teacher and did it with grace and charm. She took her fair share of less desirable classes and times, served on serious committees and made it seem like it was a privilege to do so. She took her interview seriously and gave a solid performance. She wanted the job and let us know. It was our luck she wanted us. Lucky students. Very lucky department and college.

But in my department, we didn’t hire Sammy, the part timer, who thought he had that impeccable record and thus, the job. He did have “exactly the background” we are missing. But we hired a much younger, less experienced candidate (who had also taught part time on our campus). Why? She is a skilled and dedicated teacher and a quick learner (even in writing syllabi). She participates in departmental stuff, volunteers on unbelievably shitty committees, takes her share (but not more) of crappy classes and she does it without dripping in attitude. She is a colleague, and doesn’t try to get us to cover her classes because of the latest adrenaline packed adventure. She took her interview seriously, without making flippant comments. The decision was a no brainer. She won, Sammy is still part time. We sincerely hope Sammy takes this as a prompt to change and reflect during his next year of part time work. Sammy has fabulous skills and attributes we need and could use. We would love to give him the next tenure track but at this moment, his pluses do not outweigh the minuses.

Adam, there is a reason they didn't hire YOU. Find out what it is and strive to improve.

Compound Cash Has Just Wet Himself.

So, here at the compound we have the big machines and the software and the menswear and so on, and one of the items I check and log occasionally is a collection of search terms that bring our readers to the site.

Generally about 60% of our readers come to us through a direct link, leaving about 40% who find us through Google, etc.

Most of these searches are awfully ordinary: "rate your students," "students & plagiarism," "f*&%ing snowflakes," etc.

But today. Oh Sweet Jesus On a Moped, we got someone who found us using the following search string:

pissy pants girls & diapered pussies

Listen, I just work here. I don't take any enjoyment in reporting this. It's so *dirty* that I don't even know what to do with the information. In case you're wondering, the RYS page that the horrible search led to was NOT at all about that particular variety of kink, it was just this piece about the supposed anti-youth bent of our page.

And to get this straight, I'm not anti-kink or anything, but at least have some kink about something that makes sense, like knee socks or handcuffs.

Out,
Cash

Stewie Gets a Dozen Sterling Bits of Advice.

1. I feel Stewie's ennui, for it is my ennui, except that I don't have a boat, not even a crappy one.


2. I suspect that I, you, and Stewie can make to set ourselves on a new course of optimism and fulfillment. I know this really works because I saw it on a granola bar commercial.


3. Pudding three times a day? Why not switch up one of those for a plate of cheesy, greasy, microwave-easy nachos? Or greet your morning with spoon after spoon of peanut butter fresh from the jar? Complex carbs make other people seem less stupid!


4. My advice for Stewie would be vary his celeb death-march viewing with a little Top Chef Masters. Watching people who know how to do stuff, and contemplating the yawning bergschrund between them and the snowmass that is set to engulf us all, is sure to refine that dull mood to a delicately poignant sorrow tinged with dread.


5. If you do sail away you'd better send post cards. I need to dream, too.


6. Gee, how 'bout enjoying all these months during which you don't have to report to work? Maybe catch up on some reading in your field of expertise, do some research, or just kick back and relish the fact that, unlike most working adults, you get an entire season off.


7. Are we supposed to feel sorry for you because you cannot re-charge in your 3-4 months of vacation?


8. People who hate life are GOING to hate life regardless of the advice they get.


9. Sail away? Baby, it sounds like your ship has already...well, you know.


10. 5 years in is enough to be ruined. Now decide if you want to work 9-5 in a suit...quick. Okay? Not so bad now, right?


11. You know the rule of battery recharging? Well it applies to us, too. The "memory effect" eventually kicks in, and we never get all the way back fully charged. Oh, and we can be thrown away, too.


12. Fuck Stew.

Sail Away Stewie Needs Our Help. (And Maybe Some Sailing Lessons.)

You know how summer is the great recharger, that period of time where we come back to life, those of us who toil in the academy?

Well it's not working on me this year. I've been off since May 11th and I'm hating life and students and my shitty college exactly the same now as I was nearly 2 months ago.

Where's the get up and go? Where's the signs of life? By now I've usually gone to campus to move some papers around, clean up the mess from last term. But this year I'm just eating pudding morning, noon, and night, watching the celebrity death march on TV, and wishing I could just sail away.

Sail away? Yep, I'd sell this crappy 1945 Craftsman faller-downer in a minute for a sloop or a sorta-sloop. Just put the mainsail or jib or whatever in the air and nod aimlessly in a pretty sea, hell, even down this shitty river here in shitty college town America if I had to.

Why aren't I coming around? Oh, am I an old timer? Well, not really. It's my 5th year! I'm not jaded; I don't remember the good old days when students were forceful and engaged. I've always had snowflakes and they've always been complete assholes.

But every summer has recharged me. Except this one.

What am I to do? Sail away? Stay and fight? Wait for the inevitable recharging? Accept that maybe I won't recharge again and learn to live with the disappointment?

More Job Woes From Adam in Albuquerque.

I'm in the same boat as "Thanks for Nothing" a few days ago.

I was recently passed over at my college for a full time gig, even though I've been a part-timer here with an impeccable record and have a history of full time tenure track work exactly like what is needed at my college.

I wish there was some way to find out why I got passed over, but even in a casual conversation with the provost, who goes to the same church as I do, all I got was the typical "better match of skill set" bullshit that comes in rejection letters.

At first I took the news that I'd been passed over for a MUCH younger and less credentialed scholar pretty well. I thought, "Oh, maybe the other candidate was better trained, better suited. But after a week of being around some from the search committee, and some embarrassing Google time, I've discovered that who my college hired is pretty much a ninny. It got me thinking about my own job search, how I presented myself, my credentials. Was I confident enough? Too confident? Was I too familiar as a part-timer? Was my being an extrovert a turn off? Should I have been a wallflower instead?

And my annoyance at this has gone from personal to a larger sense. What has the college chosen to do? Put an unqualified person in the classroom? Bypass folks with more experience, even people who have experience at this college, teaching awards.

My college bypassed (not just me) a number of first rate folks for someone who's never built a syllabus for a class, never taught a class on his/her own until 9 months ago, and who will surely need seasoning before being ready to really help this college move forward.

I don't even want to begin to imagine why the college did it. Money? Malleability? Quota? Whatever?

It's enough that it's been done, and my anger just grows.

We Can't Think of Anything to Add to This Exgraordinary Tale.

Hello professor how are you, I hope that you are having a good summer.

I want to thank you for letting me have the take home final and I want to apologize for the problem that occurred. You are very kind and I feel horrible for betraying your kindness because you're totally right and I knew the rules and I really appreciated you and I would never say anything bad about you or your style of teaching.

But in this case I'm not the cheater. I will tell you how it all happened. I am the victim.

It took me so long to send the final because it was very hard and very specific and I had to do a lot of reading in this subject and others in order to give the good answers. I am graduating later this month, so I know you understand how busy I am with my family and my preparations for a wonderful career and future. I was so busy in fact I forgot to send you the final when I was supposed to.

In fact I had the final ready in time but didn't print it out off my USB, but I did have the cover page and I made it just like you wanted and had it all printed out. While I was in the student union, I had to leave my computer on to go and say hello to my friend who were getting ready to go home to Canada for the summer, so I spent some time talking with them, but only five minutes or so.

I think what happened was that while I was gone another student from our class spotted my take home final, and was jealous that I had the extra time to work on it at your great kindness and he or she inserted the plagiarized material.

You might seem to think that I'm only sending this email so that I can graduate with my family in a few weeks, but I send it to justify my position and my honor. This the only truth and for this I have the God testimony.

Professor please take these exgraordinary events into consideration as you figure my final grade. I'd be honored to write another exam or whatever you need. Remeber that I am a victim.

"The Grade I Deserve." A New RYS Playlet.

4/15, 4:18 p.m.

“I am writing you this email because i'm just wondering if i could possibly know where my grade was at this point. I know that i have missed a couple classes recently and i just wanted to see where i was standing. if you could supply me witht the information it would be greatly appreciated. thank you for you time and understanding.”

++++

4/16, 1:42 p.m.

“Dear student:

It is impossible for me to tell where you are grade-wise. Two large grades are coming due: Writing Assignment #2 was just handed in, and has not been graded yet, and Writing Assignment #3 is due at the end of the semester. Also, there is the final exam to consider, making a third large grade yet to come.

Here are your grades so far:

I'd advise not missing any more quizzes; you've missed 2, which will be dropped, and you cannot afford to factor in any more zeroes with the grades you have earned so far.

Your first paper grade was decent, so if that indicates your minimum performance level, you are in a good position.”

++++

4/28, 2:55 a.m.

“ I am writing you this email to inform you that I will not be in town as of [Exam period day #3].
My other finals that I will be taking are on
[Exam period day #1]: 2-4pm
[Exam period day #2]: i will find out on friday

thank you for your cooperation and understanding”

AND

5/1, 12:40 am

“Dear Professor,
I will not be attending class today because i will be participating in the rally. I would just like to know what we would have been doing in class today. Thank you very much for you time and cooperation.”

++++

5/1, 8:43 p.m.

“Dear [students requesting alternative exam dates]:

Because you have requested an alternative date to take the final exam, I am e-mailing you to confirm when and where you are expected to arrive.

As announced in class today, the "make-up" final exam will be at 1:30 p.m. on [the study day we’re not supposed to offer exams, but I am breaking the rule because you all begged me].

The final will be 58 multiple choice questions culled from all 12 quizzes. Some questions have been slightly revised for clarity.

We will meet at [the regular classroom]. The room should be empty, but if the room is in use we will go to another room. I expect the exam to take no more than 1 hour to complete.

This will be the only day and time the final will be given other than the regularly scheduled date and time of [a week later].

I will see you all on the [very special exam day I wish I hadn’t agreed to offer].”

++++

5/2, 12:54 a.m.

“Professor,
I am just writing you this email to ask if I should give you my project … during my exam of if i should drop if off sometime before then. I'm sorry that i didn't get a chance to hand it in today [the day it was due], I went to [the rally] and thought i would be back in time. I have it ready to hand it and was hoping to have given it to you today but by the time i came back class was already over. Please let me know when i could give it to you, because i have it ready and set to hand in..i'm sorry for the inconviniance and I thank you for you time and cooperation.”

++++

5/2, 11:56 a.m.

“Dear Student:

As indicated on the assignment's instructions, late submissions will not be accepted.

Therefore, if you knew you were not going to be in class, you should have made arrangements to drop the assignment off early to ensure its timely submission.

I will see you on [the very special exam day I chose because it was the only day that didn’t completely inconvenience everyone else].”

++++

5/13, 2:42 p.m.

“Professor X,
I was just writing you this email to see as to why I obtained a D in your class. I know that my grades for the projects were both B's and would like to know my final quiz grade as well as what i got on your final if its possible.
Thank you very much, I hope to hear from you soon”

++++

5/21, 5:06 p.m.

“Dear Student:

Here are your 12 Quiz grades: [3 zeroes amidst mediocre grades]

Two zeroes are dropped, making your final Quiz total XX.

Your 3 Writing Assignment grades are: [mediocre #1, mediocre #2, plus a zero].

Out of 37 days for which I have attendance records, you attended 28, which translated into a [mediocre attendance & participation grade].

You scored [one of the lowest grades] on the Final Exam, but received [decent] points for the two extra credit assignments.

In total, you scored XXX of the potential points of the course, which translates to a D.”

++++

5/11, 1:48 p.m.

“Professor X,
I just wanted to know how you calculate your points that translated my grade into a D. I don´t think I deserved to obtain this grade and am just interested in how you calculate your grades to see if my grade for my final project would have affected my final grade. Thank you once again for your cooperation and time.”

++++

5/11, 11:40 p.m.

“Student:

Have you looked at the syllabus you were handed on the 1st day you arrived in class? Everything is thoroughly explained there, including the reasons why you earned the grade you were awarded.”

++++

6/2, 2:07 a.m.

“Professor X,
I did review the syllabus and saw how you did indeed end up obtaining my grade. I saw that the fact that you didn't recieve my last project affected me greatly. I don't think that its fair that I didn't get to hand it in. If i knew I was going to miss class i would have honestly given it to you ahead of time. My other projects show my hardwork that I have participated in your class, and besides the fact that i'm not a good quiz taker, I believe that I did show my dedication in your class. I wish to still be able to hand this in because it does affect my GPA very much and I wish to speak to the head of the [really lame] Department because that day that i wasn't in class was due to participation in [the rally] that i take seriously. I wasn't in class for a legitimate reason and did indeed think that i was going to get back in time, I even have a note that says i was with the group. Thank you for your time Professor X and i'm sorry if im pushing this but its really important to me and i did enjoy your class and wish to get the grade that i truly deserve. Thank you once again.”

Harry Hardass Screws a Student Over for a Lousy 9%!

Dear Professor Hardass,

It has come to my attention that my grade for your class is listed as a D . My ending grade for the class was a 73 which is equilivent to a C not a D.

It may have been a typing error since the letters are so close together. I would greatly appreciate it if you would look into why it is posted as a D.

Will you please email me back as conformation that it has been corrected.

--()--

Dear Math-challenged snowflake,

I'm not quite sure where you are coming up with a 73% for the class that you just took. In fact, your final average for the class was a 64%, which is equivalent to a D, not a C.

I did go back and check to make sure that I did in fact input a D as your final grade. Since the C and the D keys are so close together on the keyboard. I wouldn't want to make a typing error while inputting final grades, now would I?

Prof. Hardass

100% Canadian Content. Brittany (Really) from Brampton.

Listen, I don't require much care and feeding. I'm from Ontario, eh? I get by just fine. But don't you silly silly bastards know that we aren't going to search the 2500 posts for our favorites, and that you need to resuscitate that "Flashback" feature every now and again.

I send you all back in time now just ONE year to the funniest graphic (for my Loonies) you ever did. As it appeared last year on this fine, fine day.

Do You Have Any Idea How Hard

It Is to Find a Picture

of a Regular Beaver On the Internet?

Happy Canada Day.