Fraudulent Phoebe: You come to my office hours asking for advice on how to study better so you can improve your grade. You assure me that you have come to every lecture, taken diligent notes, read all of the textbook chapters, and studied your flaky little heart out. Do I look like a fucking moron to you? Don’t bullshit me. You’re a slacker. You know how I know? Because students who go to class, take notes, read the book, and study hard DON’T GET D’S on easy multiple choice tests (at least, not without the presence of a learning disability or mental retardation—although I wouldn’t rule out the latter at this university). A student who attended lecture would NOT answer that Necrophilia is “the strong sexual attraction to a woman’s neck.” I don’t give two shits whether or not you have been coming to class—I’m not the one with the plummeting GPA. I’m happy to help you with studying tips, but I can’t help you if you’re going to spout off a bunch of crap about what a fantastic student you are. Trust me, you’d get a lot more cred if you just came out and said, “I go to class half the time, skim over the chapter headings, copy the notes from my mouth breathing boyfriend, and cram for two hours the night before the exam.” At least I could work with that.
Sallow Sam: Quit brooding. Yes, you have a tattoo. Yes, you have both a beard AND a mustache. Yes, you wear large earrings in both ears. And yes, you sit in class with a faux-looming, “fuck you” kind of stare. We can all see that. But ya know what? NOBODY CARES. Dude, bro, you are not intimidating anyone. Sitting in class and acting like you’re the next Kurt Cobain doesn’t make anyone think that you’re cool. If you’re looking for validation, feel free to go to a dark campus-area coffeehouse where you can regale newly-minted freshman flakes with your seething awesomeness. In a grad course, it’s just not gonna fly.
Lax Alexis: You have been at least 20 minutes late to every goddamn 9 a.m. Tuesday lecture this semester. The only time you actually arrived by 9 was when we had to start class at 8:30 to accommodate a scheduling conflict the prof had. You shouldn’t have done that—it only proved that, while you’re capable of arriving on time, you simply choose to be an ass. There are people in this class who don’t have the luxury of living ten minutes from campus—they commute from 40 minutes away. There are people with spouses, fiancés, and others to whom they are responsible. There are people who actually walk to class, without the posh opulence of their own vehicle. They all manage to be on time. Take the silver spoon out of your ass, grow up, and GET TO CLASS ON TIME.
Exasperating Evan: Just a quick note for you: when you only come to class half the time, you are not going to be able to contribute to our discussions in any meaningful way. You ask questions so broad an introductory textbook couldn’t cover them. Get a brain, asshole.
Story-telling Sandra: Your personal experiences are not the God-given guide for all of sociology. Just because you experienced an event in a certain way at a certain time during a certain point in your life does not make it the universal truth for everyone in everything at every time. You are not the final authority on the developmental trajectory of mankind. Get over yourself.