As yet another Semester from Hell is about to end, I have some parting words for my “students.”
K: I’m very sorry that you have a serious learning disability, and probably a developmental disability too. I feel sad every time I see you. You’re unbelievably sweet. But I have to tell you that a) you will NEVER be a nurse, and b) your plagiarism on your last essay was a bad move. I know a friend of yours wrote your paper, as it had ZERO errors in it, used vocabulary I KNOW you don’t know, and showed the odd trait of having both perfect grammar and ZERO commas in 4 full pages.
C: Yes, we all know you’re a lesbian. You can stop showing us now. You can also stop talking in class, blurting out unrelated shit you think is fucking HILLARIOUS, but which wouldn’t even earn you an audition at a local open-mike comedy night. The idea of a class clown is OLD and TIRED. I see it in EVERY class, and I'm very unamused. Do you need to go to the restroom every 10 minutes in a 75-minute class? No. Do you need to keep getting up to recycle pieces of paper during a lecture? No. Do you need to keep asking pointless questions, interrupting my lectures every fucking session? No. And thanks for getting the other immature, borderline-manageable students around you all worked up into hysterics ALL semester, to the point that they’re completely unaware they’re even in a CLASSROOM and I have to keep clamping down on everyone. And why the fuck are you in ENG 090 when you claim to already have a two-year degree? I can’t fucking wait to get rid of you. If you high-five your neighbor after one of your “jokes,” one more time, I swear I’ll dock you a letter grade. You have no idea...
M: I hate you. I feel sorry for you too, but you’re one of the most pathetic mama’s boys I’ve ever encountered in my life, and you just follow me around and won’t fucking leave me alone. I'm not your daddy, and I'm not your buddy. My friends I mention this to keep asking me if you’re a closeted gay in denial. At 23, living with your parents and playing video games day and night make you a HUGE fucking loser. And wash your fucking hair. You are so fucking irritating, I can’t even look you in the eyes. Your whiny voice, your sunglasses indoors, your barely veiled attempts to question my knowledge and challenge me in class. These things make me put you at the bottom of my Shitlist. You are undeniably the stuff of which serial killers are made. Your parents should be so proud.
N: So you lost your license due to getting a DUI in your Saab after you crashed into a ditch? Life is hard without a car, isn’t it? You fucking wanker. Glad you didn't kill someone, like the guy who killed my aunt. So you act like college is just a total joke, yet claim to think it’s important? Grow the fuck up. And yes, I’ve been deducting points from your grade all semester for using your cell phone. You don’ t know the rules because you missed the first day of class and never cared to read the syllabus.
R: Wow. You are so fucking fried. You did so many drugs in your youth that you can’t even process basic information, like when you lined up for class outside the door, but with the wrong teacher, the wrong students, for the wrong class, in the wrong location in the building, then figured it out and came to my class. Wow. Then you handed in your paper, with the second page stapled upside-down. I got that one on my cell phone camera. Or the time you handed in your essay, assuming it was due because it “just seemed like it was due.” Wow. And to think, you got an “F” in this remedial class just like you did last semester. You’re on your way to true success, young man. How cool are drugs now?
P: When you walked in to my class to take a major exam, after missing 15 straight class sessions, that was pretty surprising. I’d heard stories of students doing this, but had never seen it myself. When you expressed surprise when I told you that you’d already failed the class, so you didn’t need to even be there, that was even more shocking. For the next two weeks I just kept wondering “What the FUCK was she thinking?” Then you didn’t withdraw. Oh well. It’s all natural selection in action.
G: My god, if your brain were as big as your hair, you’d have a triple PhD in advanced quantum physics. Too bad you just totally fucked up your transcript by failing my class, even though you got a scholarship. I guess they just paid for you to fail, and they’re as dumb as you are for spending money on someone at the bottom of her high school class. I racked my brain the other day, for jobs for which you’d be suited, and I could only come up with two: crack whore and stripper. Seriously. If only there were a job that paid you to browse the Internet all day, like you’ve lost points for in my class, since you do it during my lectures even RIGHT AFTER I tell you not to…
R: You and your friend K, of the immense hairdo, are really two of the most pathetic students I think I’ve had in a while. You both got free rides and totally blew it. You’re trashy, immature, and totally pathetic. You dress like whores. So many students work SO HARD to succeed, and many of them have MUCH worse lives than you’ve had, often not even speaking English worth a shit, and they still pass my class. Some even come from African countries where they've survived horrible civil wars and are here as political refugees, and they bust ass in my class--all while being polite, friendly, and responsible. So FUCK YOU. See you at the drive-thru.