Friday, January 8, 2010

Helen from Hearne Does Some of that Old School Smackdown That This Page Used to Feature Before It Went Entirely Off the Rails.

Jeff, da'cop:
Aww, cute! your final paper came attached to an email littered with emoticons sent from your personal account (really? toughguy69?!). That you cannot follow submission instructions directing you to submit a printed copy the last day of class given to you in verbal, syllabus, and emailed format really makes me worry about your ability to follow police protocol. Good thing you're a toughguy, guess the only thing you could reliably use on us hapless citizens is your night stick.

Janice, Esquire, Secretary to Mayor Tweedledum:
You probably guessed this by now, but I hate you, I really really hate you. Over the course of the semester, I finished an entire bottle of Excedrin on your behalf. I think the others in the class did too. You remember how I said this was an ethics class? Remember that part about how we were going to talk about general principles and ethical decision-making theories in class, but that it was your job to apply it to your work in your course papers? Yeah, I do and so did everyone else who had to listen to you (before I started to cut you off) talk about your work-life as if it was an ethical decision-making theory.

Jennifer, "may I please please please be your thesis student?":
No, no, no and, uh, no. I know you were a philosophy undergrad and are really bored in this course, but you enrolled in this program knowing you must take this course. I am not giving you "philosophy level assignments" (whateverthehell that means) because you've allegedly read Kant before. You're barely able to write an intelligible email. You have a C- in this course and know that means an F- in graduate school speak, but still think you're going to be in the program after this semester and that being my thesis student already will give you a lifeline. Again, I say, NO!

Javon, international exchange student:
I am sorry the rest of the students refer to you as "Borat," they are jerks. I am sorry that you have visa trouble. Me too. But, just because we're foreigners together, doesn't mean we're buddies. Also, Jeff is right, you should investigate deodorant... you're lovely and probably an asset to your country, but you do smell like a goat.

Jasper, the AARP card having, USAF retiree:
Thank you for being in this class. I saved every one of your papers until last, every single time I had to grade (remember those weekly memos? I want to bronze yours.) You read, you can write, you are interesting and interested. Too bad you may die too soon to convert many more people to the Hard knock school of respect, diligence and good grammar.