Sunday, January 18, 2009

Darling Dana from Decatur Sends An Open Letter to The Poor Dear Retakers.

To all my dear students who took this class last term,

I know that you guys just love to be honest. You tell me in my office hours, "I was kind of messed up on drugs for a while, so this will be my second time in the class." (Fine, blame the drugs; but have you seen your writing sober?) You tell me in writing, "I took this class a couple of times before but I had really bad teachers who didn't like me, so I didn't ever do very well." (Interesting choice. You've already made it clear that your failure--in the ever-so-unlikely case that it would again occur--will be my fault. Way to step up, sweetie.) You tell me during class, "This is my second time taking this, and I just still don't understand why this class is important to my life." (Great way to start the term, bucko. Tell the instructor you are already disengaging.) You tell me after class, "I kind of screwed up last semester when I took this with Prof So-and-so, and I was just wondering, can I just use this book I still have even though it's completely different from the books you just told me we were using?" (Sure. In fact, just pretend that you're still in that other class--you know, the one you failed. We already know the ending.)

As much as I would love to admire your honesty, I was just wondering if you thought it might be better to, oh, I don't know...shut the fuck up. Are you unaware of what you are telling me? Do you really think that I'm going to side with you? When you tell me you had "bad teachers"--you think I fucking believe you??? Because I DON'T. In fact, this is what I hear: "Other people have found my skills quite lacking. I probably was really annoying in class, and I probably threw little hissy fits when my lazy-ass, sub-par work got Fs. I was unwilling to learn, engage, or put in the appropriate amount of effort. Now I'm here to torment you. Let the games begin!" Is that really how you want to begin the term? If you would just shut your mouth, take the class in stride like the rest of these people, and leave well enough alone, you would avoid saying really stupid shit, and I could spend at least the first few weeks of the term blissfully unaware of the future thorns in my side that are sitting doe-eyed in front of me.

Oh, and for the special breed of you, intent on pulling out your best Rainman--"I'm really an excellent writer; I'm an excellent writer"--I don't believe that shit either. If you were an excellent writer, you wouldn't have failed the course--you could have passed it in your sleep. You are really just telling me that you're an arrogant prick who thinks that he has nothing to learn (despite having been repeatedly told otherwise by those annoying "bad teachers"), and so you will probably fail again. Your utter inability to sense how I might interpret your words already tells me that you have no fucking clue. And if you think that you're going to set me up ("If I tell her I'm an excellent writer enough, she will feel too bad for me to give me anything but an A"), think again. I have no concern for your inflated ego, false sense of skill, and whatever else you picked up from god-knows-where. But don't think there's no hope! After all, your instructor for this course next fall could be the gullible sap you've always been hoping for! Fingers crossed!!