Monday, September 22, 2008

A Happy Update From Our Pregnant Proffie. "I Lost My Pants To Find My Job!"

I'm Pam, the pregnant proffie, the one who got slammed by my students last semester.

After enduring that humiliation, I hesitantly decided to go through with my plan to hit the job market running. Well, no, that isn’t totally true. I was eight months pregnant and ginormous when I hit the job market at a respectable waddle. Phone interviews went brilliantly, aside from the general disruption to my pee schedule. Apparently, pregnancy reduces your bladder to the size of a peanut. And yes—I did have to pee during one of my phone interviews and by golly I did.

I was fortunate to get two campus interviews at other schools and I prepared and prepared and prepared. Of course, in addition to planning out my presentation, sample undergrad lesson, speech about my publications, and my arsenal of witty quips and stories, I also had to prepare for the inevitable inconveniences that come with being supa-pregnant.

Thinking of my first campus visit, with three sit-down meals with important people, I knew it was inevitable—I would get something on my shirt. Of course I would—my belly stuck out a foot further than the rest of me. I prepared. I went out the night before I left to get a Tide Stain Pen, and Oxy Stain Stick, and some other generic brand that looked promising. In addition to all that, I folded up a plain black maternity t-shirt, put it in a Ziploc baggie, and stashed it in my briefcase alongside the stain sticks. If all else failed, if I exploded a meal all over myself that could not be erased with a stain stick, I could to go the ladies room and change my shirt.

Three meals came and went. Did I dribble my orange juice? Did I get southwest chicken pasta or ranch dressing on my shirt? No. No. I didn't get anything on my shirt. Instead, I split my pants. During my job talk, I bent down get a page of my notes that fell and I heard the ripping sound. I was wearing bright green maternity underpants. Seriously.

And I got the job.