Sunday, November 5, 2006

The Never Sent and Sarcastic Return Email is Always a Sure Winner Here at RYS

An email from a student:

“Hi, my family is leaving on a trip the week before finals, and my grandpa and my dad invited me to go. This is only a five day trip and I would be back before finals week. I was wondering if there was any possible way that I would be able to go, and what I would need to get done. Please let me know and get back to me asap.”

The reply I can't send:

I hope I responded to your email “asap” enough.

Sure, why don’t you go ahead and miss the entire week of classes right before final exams? I’m sure all of your instructors will be more than happy to accommodate your family’s vacation itinerary. We’ll even grant an extension on missed work so you can turn it in for full credit — will February 1 give you enough time? It shouldn’t be too much to make up, because most classes rarely do anything very important the week before exams anyway.

But since your email suggests you’re dense enough to have my sarcasm go ricocheting off your cranium, let me tell you plainly “what you need to get done”:

  • Give me your dad’s email so I can ask him how the hell he gets off asking me to make arrangements for his special little genius to miss the last week of classes.
  • Quit assuming that I have nothing better to do than drop everything and strategize how you can get around attendance policies to take early winter break.
  • Get written permission from each one of your classmates, so that they know what applies to them doesn’t count for you, since you’re special and obviously have such a loving family.
  • Look back over the graded papers I’ve handed back to you, ponder how consistently shitty your work has been, and then ask yourself if missing the last classes before finals is a good idea. Actually, never mind — that would require critical reasoning. Why start now?

    Your professor