Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Snowflake Strategy #6 - Act Lesbian. Gwen from Green Bay Has a Girlfriend! (Or So She Says...)

I like reading this page because I like how mad all of you "proffies" get about students. It's HIL-ARIOUS. (Watch the accents on that one!)

If I read things correctly, you mostly get mad because students fool you so often, with plagiarized paper you don't catch, with dead relative stories. Well, most of these work, and that's why we use them.

But last year I stumpled up on the greatest strategy yet, and the reason it works so well is that I have such stupid professors at my college. The men (if that's what they are) are so horndog from being blue-balled by their wives at night that they fall over themselves for a pretty girl.

Okay, I said it. I'm pretty. I'm not Joanna Krupa, but I'll do for the Midwest!

Anyway, I REALLY couldn't even stomach acting like I liked these dull men, but I do know a surefired way of making them like me; and therefore giving me good grades. And here's how it works.

I tell them I'm a lesbian. I drop it into a conversation in class, which is especially easy because it seems all of my sociology and psychology classes are all about being gay anyway. I mention it and just go on to something else. If I have an office hour visit or something, I hold my phone outside the office and say sweet things and then when I go in for a meeting I just say, "Oh, I'm so embarrassed: that was my girlfriend." Than I just talk about the dumb class exercise I tanked or missed or whatever.

In my English class last year, I wrote about how I fell in love with "Krystal" in high school, about how she "opened" me up. My professor went bananas with the comments, about how brave I was and all that. How stupid are you, really, I wanted to say.

But it's called titillation for a reason, right?

Anyway, I'm almost done school, so I don't care who knows that I scammed them. I bet you won't publish this.