Some of our other favorites to add to the earlier submissions:
"Diverse student body." We will accept anyone who is technically breathing, as we get paid by BOS (bums on seats).
- "Affordable student housing." Run-down houses with decrepit plumbing.
- "Student run writing center." We don't give a shit about you or your writing, otherwise we'd hire a professional to help you with it.
- "Cutting-edge research." Your kid will have four years of TAs for professors.
- "Student-centered pedagogy." There is no way your kid will flunk out of here, ever.
- "Large and diverse student body." Your kid will be known by his/her student ID number for life.
- "Proximity to [large metropolis]." Only the losers and the poor kids hang out here on the weekends.
- "Collegial atmosphere." We expect you to be nice to us, but don't expect the same in return.
- "Generations of students have taken pride in our tradition of [whatever]." Expect your classes to be crowded with lots of dumb legacies.
- "Student Centered." Since our college is for-profit, we’ll do whatever you want us to do to keep you in class another day.
- "Job Placement." We’ll give you the link to monster.com, then the world will be your oyster.
- "Hands-on instruction." We’ll sit you in front of a computer w/ the book, then you’re free to figure it out on your own.
- "Only the courses you need." We’re not accredited enough, nor have the intellectual capacity to offer anything more than just the basics.
- "Tutoring and mentor assistance." You find a classmate to study with, then do it.
