Sunday, October 4, 2009

Euphemisms (Continued).

Some of our other favorites to add to the earlier submissions:
  • "Diverse student body." We will accept anyone who is technically breathing, as we get paid by BOS (bums on seats).
  • "Affordable student housing." Run-down houses with decrepit plumbing.
  • "Student run writing center." We don't give a shit about you or your writing, otherwise we'd hire a professional to help you with it.
  • "Cutting-edge research." Your kid will have four years of TAs for professors.
  • "Student-centered pedagogy." There is no way your kid will flunk out of here, ever.
  • "Large and diverse student body." Your kid will be known by his/her student ID number for life.
  • "Proximity to [large metropolis]." Only the losers and the poor kids hang out here on the weekends.
  • "Collegial atmosphere." We expect you to be nice to us, but don't expect the same in return.
  • "Generations of students have taken pride in our tradition of [whatever]." Expect your classes to be crowded with lots of dumb legacies.
  • "Student Centered." Since our college is for-profit, we’ll do whatever you want us to do to keep you in class another day.
  • "Job Placement." We’ll give you the link to, then the world will be your oyster.
  • "Hands-on instruction." We’ll sit you in front of a computer w/ the book, then you’re free to figure it out on your own.
  • "Only the courses you need." We’re not accredited enough, nor have the intellectual capacity to offer anything more than just the basics.
  • "Tutoring and mentor assistance." You find a classmate to study with, then do it.