"Conditionally Admitted." We know you're not going to meet our minimum GPA requirement. We also know you will bomb your appeal, if you even bother to schedule one, because the committee isn't going to buy the "my alarm clock didn't go off and I had the swine flu for a month and my roommate's hamster ate my homework" excuse. You might think we feel bad about setting you up for failure, but we don't. In fact, we gave you an opportunity to prove yourself -- an opportunity that no other college in the state was dumb enough to offer, and an opportunity that you squandered. (And we don't have to report you in our retention statistics or graduation data anyway, so who cares?!) That said, we'd also like to thank your dad for that fat tuition check he wrote us. Happy Trails, and good luck at Hometown Tech!
- "Well known for our excellent track and field, soccer and softball teams." We can’t play football.
- “As a Christian liberal arts campus, we are committed to your spiritual growth.” We have a cross on our letterhead, we’ll recruit you from Bible camp, and hope you don’t notice we’re hypocrites. Now pay your tuition, please.
- "Student-centred learning." The inmates have taken over the asylum.
- "We have a nurturing environment." We train our RAs to teach your kid how to do his laundry.
- "We combine freedom of inquiry with rigorous foundations." Most of us don't give a shit if you study or work, but there are a few cranks around who pretend to.
- "Global-centric." We've fucked up Ohio already.
- "Personal growth will give us joy." We smoke a lot of weed.
- "Commitment to diversity." We have no other choice. The surrounding area is like Chinatown.
- "Students and faculty share academic goals." No they don't. We can't even spin this shit with a straight face.
- "Students and faculty share a common desire." For sweet death to come.
- "We're a college that believes in you." We have such a tiny endowment that we're letting everyone in.
- "We have a great location." No we don't. It's in Wisconsin, for fuck's sake. There's winter and then there's mosquito.
- "Urban campus." Junkies sleep on the benches in front of your dorm.
- "Rural campus." Meth heads sleep in their cars in the parking lot.
- "Suburban campus." It's so much like a fucking shopping mall that you'll wonder where the Foot Locker is.
- "A premier institution." We suck. Hard.
- "Where your career takes wings." Will it be air conditioning or hair styling?
- "We're redefining higher education." We have no fucking idea what we're doing.
- "Lively dorm life." Everyone's getting nailed. (Except for you, probably.)
