Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Fed-up Flossie from Fort Collins Is Leaving, And We're Waiting for Our Invite.

On this, the anniversary of the Virginia Tech massacre, I read my state legislature's new concealed-weapons bill (now pending the guv's signature) that would give our self-centered, self-righteous adultolescents with anger management issues permission to carry handguns on campus. The alleged rationale for this piece of right-wing, gun-nut, ideologically-driven crapfest is that several 18-year-olds with impulse control problems are, theoretically, going to save me and their classmates in Room 330 from the next mad shooter to lose it. If the snowflakes' aim is anything like their inability to hit the broad side of a syllogism, we're up to our necks in deep shit.

I have the solution. I am leaving the U.S. of A. to teach in a country where handguns are not permitted, admissions are based on academic performance and intellectual ability (not bastardized testing), and High Culture is revered. (And yes, we can extend the definition of High Culture to include that of Indigenous Culture, in case you were wondering--not like here in the States.)

While the knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, cleavage-flashing, Daddy's-SUV-driving morons of our great nation continue to bullshit their way through useless "degree programs" that leave them with a piece of framed toilet paper as the ultimate validation of their snowflakey genius, I will be training the cultural elite of another nation to kick their asses in business, politics, the arts, and every other aspect of civilized life. And I will have health care, decent working conditions, and--most important of all--students who actually WANT to read, write, learn, think, grow.

I say leave the universities to the Philistines. Nobody has had the balls to call a general strike over the fact that college professors make half as much as K-12 "educators," much less the clear and present danger of armed MySpace Cadets. What would it take, people, for you to rise up from your individual and collective complacency about how shitty teaching conditions have become?
Religious nuts and ideologues of all political stripes (but especially the right) have mounted an assault on the citadels of reason in this country, using false, invalid, and unsound arguments that most freshmen can't grasp but are willing to swallow like Girls Gone Wild on spring break in Florabama. Young Americans for Freedom goons send students out like so many Amway salesmen to earn "points" for creating one-sided "debates" about the alleged brainwashing that "liberal" professors are engaged in.

Now wealthy ideologues are buying their way into the curriculum (via bad Ayn Rand books). In short, the university is becoming a bizarre mix of sex, religion, and drunken target practice. Next up: Brown shirts as the new uniform to restore order to our nation's campuses and Coulter Across the Curriculum.

Let's decamp. Exile is the solution for the foreseeable future. Let's enjoy pleasant climates, reasonable costs of living, regular dental visits, classroom authority, and a living wage--not to mention the honor and respect we have earned by dint of our hard work and sacrifice over decades of research and learning. We are masters and doctors, not grade-waitrons.

My work here is done.