Something Old School For a New Year.

Philosophy Barbie:

Yes, you're unbelievably hot. Yes, you dress nice. And, yes, I do quiver a bit inside when you smile and flash those big blue eyes at me - I'm still alive, aren't I? You do well in class and I've even seen you campus events relevant to our topic. So why is it that you make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up? Oh, yeah, your professed "love" of Ayn Rand. If that's what you think philosophy is supposed to be like, you're probably not going to do as well as you'd hoped when you get to the upper-division courses.

Baked Bennie:

You were always surprised when you didn't do very well on the tests. How is that? You wander in halfway through class, when you show up at all, and usually leave early. You're clearly stoned. You tell me you were an "all-A" student in high school. Really? Where? Sounds like a fun place.

Power Ranger Pete:

You're a nice kid, you're smart, and you did well in class. You're a geek, but so am I, so that's cool. But, seriously, you're in college now, so you at least need to update your geek-preferences to the sorts of things adults like. The constant Power Rangers references make me question whether you are emotionally prepared for the adult world.

The Queen of Snowflakes:

You have added a good deal of amusement to my semester without even being present for most of it. My favorite was when you showed up after weeks of missing class - the look of panic on your face when you saw me passing out tests was priceless. Your excuse for your extended absence was interesting, too - arthritis? Really? You could be telling the truth, I guess, not that it matters. I've got arthritis in my back, and I make it to class. Choke down some pain pills and get on with life. I was disappointed with the "I'm working on the extra credit assignment" line, though. Been done too many times. With all your other innovations, I would have thought you could have come up with something fresher. I would love to meet your other profs - we could compile your greatest hits album.