Monday, October 19, 2009

Oh, We Think It All the Time. But Do We Ever Say It? Zaftig Zeke From Zanesville Stands Up To the Death March.

I am so sorry to hear you have to go to a funeral. I am sure it has nothing to do with the assignment being due in a couple hours and you not having any materials. Since you signed off on the syllabus, I am sure this isn't just some distant relative who you don't give a fuck about and will meet the requirements for an extension as detailed in the syllabus.

I really must commend you for being able to hold it together long enough to let me know you are going to have to travel for the funeral that you just found out about. I am ecstatic that you think so highly of the class you notified me first. I know I seem like a cynical bastard for asking you to provide a copy of the obituary and identifying how you are related, but in the short period of time I have been teaching, there has been a significant surge in deaths among my students' immediate family.

For some reason I feel these outbreak of death must be related, maybe H1N1? Granted not a single student has ever provided documentation for a needed extension which also strikes me as odd. I did actually have one student provide documentation via her advisor that her mother had died. What was odd was all her work was still submitted on time, so I didn't need to provide an extension.

Just in case you missed my point, I don't believe a fucking word that comes out of your mouth. You have cried wolf so many times in the short time we have known each other that I look forward to breaking your spirit. You do know what happens to the boy who cried wolf don't you? He failed, to the delight of all.