Friday, October 16, 2009

Dana from Decatur Douses Some Dears With a Dandy Dollop of Old School.

Nitwit Nate: You are a Grade-A five year old. You show up to class clutching your little snacks. You sometimes put your head down on your desk for nap-ie time. When I confront you about your lack of turned-in work--ANY work, whatsoever--you make the most adorable little "oopsie" faces.But Natie, sweetie, you're not five, and I'm not your kin-dy-garten teacher. So when you waltz in on a fine October morning and slap down the missing assignments that your classmates completed over the course of a month, don't expect any "big boy" praise. Especially considering the fact that the assignments were clearly complete and utter shit. But you had a good excuse for that, didn't you? When I asked "Why so shitty?" you told me with a straight face that "in all honesty" you "did procrastinate a little last night." Last night, Nate! You really want to admit you waited until last night to start all this? Good lord. I see you also have a five year old's lacking sense of when to shut the fuck up! Well, that's fine. I just have one bit of news for you: you're going to fucking fail (YGTFF).

Roaming Rita: Listen, Rita. I know that you're older than me. I know you probably resent sitting amongst these fresh-faced adolescents (and watching them surpass you). But department policy says after eight absences, it's adios. You're at seven, and if you ask me, numero ocho cannot come fast enough. When you are here, you sit there smirking, interrupting me, and making rude utterances under your breath. You are constantly coming in and saying that "Now you're ready to take this seriously." And then you disappear again, or start scowling in the back corner again. Clearly you have issues. I don't know what they are; I wish I could say I cared. I can't--I am too busy for that. I can, however, guarantee that you will miss another class before the end of the term. And based on that alone, YGTFF.

Pompous Peter: You're an arrogant jackass. Not to me, of course. You have been trying to be my BFF from day one. But in your groups, with your peers, I hear you being an arrogant jackass. Even your comments in discussion imply that you know what the fuck is up, while everyone else does not.It's not entirely your fault. You were ruined by coddling teachers in high school, whom you say gave you their personal phone number (not a chance in hell, bucko) and took your calls at 12:30 AM (I'd prefer a quick bullet to the brain). Don't get me wrong. You're not an idiot. You have potential. But the fact that you think you're special is going to be your downfall. For example, you think you're so special that you don't have to follow the assignment requirements on the papers. Hence the F. And since your system doesn't tolerate F's well, I can see where this is going. YGTFF.