"Death Or Cancun?" Eddie from Enormous Mediocre University Goes Old School.

I teach the massive 8:00 am "intro to required subject" class to the 250 snowflakes who were too slow to sign up for a later or smaller course. I'm taking the sea of blank looks, the drunk guy sleeping in the second row, and the sorority types who keep cheezing me on how meaningful my lectures are (as if I could get a word in edgewise around their twitter-book posts) as the opportunity to gather material for the next great American academic novel -- or failing that, enough money for a steady supply of cheap whiskey.

After all of the navel-gazing angst on RYS of late, I thought it would be groovy to return to an old-school snowflake slamma-jamma. Right on cue, one of my students stepped up to the line after my first exam:

Staycee Snowflake: Hello, I'm in your 8:00 class. I got a call last night that my mom suddenly died from a brain aneurysm and I had to go all the way to Nearby Large Metroplex and the funeral isn't until 3 days from now. Is there any way I can make up the exam?

Eddie from EMU: Sorry to hear about your Mom. Bring some documentation (funeral program is ok) and we'll set up a make-up exam.

(2 weeks later)

Staycee Snowflake: Hello. Well, Um ... I didn't really go to my Mom's funeral. It was out on the West Coast, and I didn't have enough money to fly there. Sniffle. Is there I can do to make up the points?

(Unbeknownst to Staycee) I have my GTAs taking roll every day. They inform me that Staycee has never showed up for class. Here's the real translation.

Staycee Snowflake: Hey dude. I can't be bothered to get up for your stupid-ass class, and I was in Cancun auditioning for Girls Gone Wild when someone texted me about the dumb-ass test. So let me come in and take it now that my sorority sisters have gotten a copy.

Eddie (sounding like an adult in a Peanuts cartoon): Wah wah ... wah wah wah

Staycee: Eddie, I'm very annoyed with you. Just give me the points. Otherwise you will ruin my life. (or, fill in the blank of what Staycee might do ... which probably isn't too much)