We had a bulging mailbag this morning in response to our 39 year old student who was really into her proffie. Most of it went like this:
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I'm a guy. Nowhere in the guy's manual of behavior, whether influenced by university policy or otherwise, does it include ignoring the hint when a woman you want tells you she's attracted to you. Therefore, when guys ignore such blatant statements it only means one thing. They hope like hell you'll never bring it up again and avoid future awkwardness. I don't know what kind of "vibe" you get that ignores such an obvious clue, but there you go.
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Hon, if your prof were not above dating in the student pool (and some aren't) he'd be chasing women half your age. Professional men don't need to date undergraduates in order to meet women in their late 30's desperate to hook up. They're raining from the heavens on any popular dating site.
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I just watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall, because I like to watch comedies while I grade crappy summer school papers. A character in the film says of someone's relationship, "It's like The Sopranos. It's over. Go find another show." Horny 39 year old, it's over. It probably never existed. Go find another show. Watch Mad Men instead. You're as likely to get to fuck Don Draper as you are this professor, who was probably embarrassed by your admission and who may or may not be in a relationship anyway.
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NOT INTERESTED. HE IS NOT INTERESTED. The "how-to" for profs says IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. Actually, since you are "grown up", I will let you in on the secret: if you make your interest known to ANYONE, male or female, in a way that cannot be misconstrued, and they ignore that part of your communication, it is because THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED. Also, it probably means that they don't want to mess up the rest of what's between you, be it friendship or a working relationship or whatever. So at least you have that going for you. (Good God Almighty, I cringe at the thought of how this questioner "came right out and told him" ... that's the kind of email I want to see here. That would be like watching the film in driving school of cars on railroad tracks GETTING SMASHED. TO BITS.)[*]
Wait- a guy that you expressed interest in hasn't asked you out, and you're confused?
Read a book. This has nothing to do with the professor-student relationship, it has to do with the fact that you're 39 (at least, you admitted to being 39, which likely means you're well into your forties) and he's an attractive proffie with a candy jar full of nubile coeds to choose from.
Then again, if you really were a "grown up," and you really did want a relationship / casual fling with this guy, you would cut out this electronic flirtation crap (you probably told him that you were attracted to him by typing "omg ur so cute lol" with innumerable smiley faces for punctuation) and ask him out/proposition him in person. On the other hand, if you're being childish, perhaps you're hoping that he will save you the embarrassment of having to equalize your gender roles... or accepting the consequences of whatever might come out of your illicit affair (it's easy to deflect the blame for the fallout if he's the one who made the first move).
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Why did the instructor not respond to your email advances? Two words: "Paper Trail.” Being as this professor would likely lose his job if their was any evidence he was banging a student, 39 or 18 makes no difference. So if he is contemplating his options, he might be thinking about how to make this connection w/o generating any evidence. What you need to do is talk to him off campus. Find out where he goes for coffee, or lunch, or the weekend - and coincidentally show up there. Don't come with any friends, the last thing he'll want is witnesses.
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Oh dear god I hope this woman goes to law school and never teaches. No, we’re not required to take drug tests and don't have time for drugs anyway; we keep from knocking the sh*t out of our students because we are adults and it's illegal; and whether in or out of school, ignoring a pass is the politest way to say no. "They" teach us that it's not a good idea to sleep with students, but at my institution it's actually not a disciplinary matter if the student is of age, not being supervised by you and never will, and consenting. It's merely bad taste and guaranteed to make one's colleagues snicker, and who (especially before tenure) needs that?
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It isn't a matter of being interested or not. By ignoring the overture the Prof hopes that the you will drop the subject. We get no training in this and while some would take advantage of the situation some of us see sex with students as a violation of our ethics as faculty members and human beings.
In my almost twenty-year career seven students and one same sex faculty colleague expressed an interest in sex / a relationship. I have heard of others, who didn't express their feelings to me. Three students stalked me, one for almost 2 years. Two stalkers would park outside my home at night watching my apartment. When I rejected one student's overture they attempted suicide by downing sleeping pills and then positioning themself outside my office door.
As a consequence of my past experience I am less warm and open with students than I once was. Today, every time a student relaxes enough to be friendly with me I get a small panic attack. Thankfully, as I get older and grayer I seem to attract less ardor.
I am not against relationship happiness or true love. Students who have a romantic interest in their professors should wait two years after graduation and then reestablish contact if they still want to.
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They don't teach us anything about that. It falls under that heading of knowledge often maligned and ignored by students of all ages--the one called "common sense." You know: Don't bathe with plugged-in electronics, don't post revealing or nude photos that openly identify you by name to publicly-accessible websites, don't engage in premeditated murder, don't fuck your students.
Honestly, common sense. The teacher-student relationship is a sacred one, built on trust, and the ethos that a teacher won't abuse his or her power over students by taking advantage of it--consentual or not. And the fact that you have to ask a question like this not only tells me that teaching is an unwise career path (if only because it's likely redirected lust and longing for this "proffie," and not actual interest in pedagogy), but to expect to see you on the evening news eventually.
