Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Grad School Gracie With some Old School Smackdown.

Senior grad student: You think that just because you are one of two second-year students in the MA program and are in fact graduating this semester, that you have a closer relationship to our professors and therefore treat our classes as your personal tutorial time. It is not. Although most of your questions do show that you know what you are talking about, you are wasting valuable class time by taking the professors on needless tangents. If you are so close with the professors, talk to them outside of class. Oh and also, the professors don't like you as much as you think they do.

Useless second-year: You are just a dumbass. Seriously, I don't know how you are passing your classes. Also, stop complaining about your students. It's not them, it's you. You are teaching the throw-away class in the department because you are a terrible teacher and got very, very close to being fired over the summer. Every time you open your mouth, nothing but shit comes out. I know this not only from just being more intelligent than you (because let's face it, everyone in the program is smarter than you), but also by the way the professors treat you whenever you speak.

Too cool for school: Did you know that at the beginning of the year, you were up for the same favored position which I now hold? Of course that was only for about the first week, until the power-that-be realized that you, while actually being quite smart, don't actually do any work. Also, I realize that you thought that since I was the only woman in the program, I would give you free sexual access. I'm not exactly sure how that logic worked in your head, but I do know that once I made it clear that no, I do not want to have sex with you, you stopped talking to me. Period. I hope your daily masturbation appointments are treating you well, because I know that you haven't succeeded with anyone else, either.

Social impeccable: Okay, you actually are a fairly decent and genuinely nice guy. Most of your problems stem from just being completely socially inept. Also, you must have been the smartest one in your group of friends, because you treat the rest of us like children. Yes, you are smart. Yes, you know what you are talking about. But guess what? So do I. That's why I'm in the same program as you. So stop trying to give me advice on everything related to school and stop complimenting me condescendingly. I don't need validation from you. I have validation from people who are much more important from you. Also, as someone who has her cubicle right across from yours in a crowded TA office, could you please shower regularly? And wear deodorant? Did you know that people don't invite you to hang out with them on the weekends not because your social skills are lacking (because to your credit they could be worse) but because you smell?

The two dead-weights: To be honest, neither of you are bad guys - I enjoy chatting with you before classes and such - but it really pisses me off when you don't get your work done. Because when only two of the eight people in the class do get their work done (one of them always being me) we have to do the work of three people in class. While it makes the two of us look really good, it is also very tiring. It's getting near the semester and it would be nice if someone else could pick up the slack for a while, thanks. I'm tired of carrying you all through class.

The one I like: Actually, I think I love you. You help me shoulder the burden of class because you are the only other person who does their work. You too were up for "promotion" after "too-cool" proved useless, and to be honest the only reason they didn't pick you is because they aren't sure that you have the drive to stay in grad school. Please, please, please stay. I think I may kill myself if the only other person with a decent work ethic leaves. I will do anything to keep you here, even things I patently refused to do for "too-cool." I'm not even kidding.