Tuesday, April 1, 2008

This Week's Academic Personals.

  • SWF (Sophomore with an F) seeking mentoring, tutoring, and, like, you know, sex, from older (obviously) Registrar's office staff person. I don't think you're all retards, like Ryan says. I've seen some real hotties go in that office. I'd like to really get to know you, have a lot of, uh, sex, with you, and then maybe spend all night in your office, with the computers and everything. I got screwed - not literally, you bad boy! - by my Spanish professor, and he gave me an F, even though I worked a whole summer at Taco Cabana. It's just a grade. My roommate says nobody gives a shit. So, if you're up for the third best cheerleader from 2005's Rancho Carne squad, and you have the password for the grade change software, let's, uh, you know, do it like we're on Animal Planet. Heather in Hughes Hall.

  • DWP (Didactic White Professor) seeking nubile Nadia Comaneci-type teaching assistant. You: height/IQ proportionate, passionate, wispy, flexible, eager. Me: Powerful, well-read, slightly overweight, bald, a genius, fraught with insecurity, beaten down by career, filled with self-loathing. If you like Foucault, we’ll read him in the original language AND in the nude. Send your photo and GPA to: Disciplinarian in Denver.

  • SFF (Single Freeway Flier) seeking casual conversation and bonking from educated and friendly companion. Must live somewhere on I-78 between Muhlenberg College in Allentown and Widener University in Harrisburg. Ideally you’d be a great cook, too, and might offer minimal laundry service. If you’ve ever read or graded student essays, much the better! E-Z access to both you and the freeway makes this a done deal. Your photo gets mine: Freeway Phil!