Friday, April 25, 2008

Rhetorical Reggie Celebrates April By Saying Farewell To Some Students.

Ahhhh, April. The snow is finally gone, sun is occasionally poking from the clouds, and students, reeking of obsequiousness, have come from hiding. The question is, why bother? They could have saved the world some fuel by not making those bothersome trips to class when anyone with an ounce of sense would know that he or she had failed.

  • Pierced Petunia: You came to four classes, were told by me that you would not be allowed to make up any work, yet asked for a copy of the midterm to study for the final exam. Why bother? You failed already. Congratulations, you were the earliest this semester. What were you thinking?

  • Sincere-looking Sammy: You politely asked to leave my 3-hour class early because you weren’t feeling well. A quick check of my grade book revealed that you had not written any of the 4 essays and had failed 5 of 8 quizzes. You failed and I told you so. Why did you bother to ask if you could leave? What were you thinking?

  • Stephanie Seldom: It took me forever to learn your name because I rarely saw you. You, also, have passed zero essays and failed half the quizzes. You wanted to reschedule your conference with me about your final paper? Why bother? You already failed, and I told you so. What were you thinking?

  • Wanda Whatserface: You thoughtfully called from the emergency room to reschedule your conference about your final paper. A quick glance at your record allowed me to reschedule you to never. You, too, have never done an assignment and have failed as I told you over the phone. What were you thinking?

  • Dominic Deadwood: I should have known better than to let you add my class on the day it began. Since then you’ve failed six of nine quizzes and one essay, and you haven’t turned in anything else. You skipped out before I could tell you not to bother coming to conference with me about your paper. You’ve failed. Now you’ve got to come all the way back to school for me to tell you. Seems a waste. What were you thinking?