Thursday, December 6, 2007

Wayne the Weatherman from Wicomico Walks In With a Big, Big Schtick!

Good morning, fellow RYS-ers. Professor Weatherman reporting from the balmy mid-Atlantic. Temperatures in this region have just dipped below freezing, and the change has had some startling effects on the local college students. No, the sudden drop in temperature has not caused them to run like mad to the library in hope of staying warm while they study for finals. No,the frigid climate has not caused these students to stay in class for the entire class time or, for that matter, to get to class promptly so as to maximize their time in a heated environment. And no, the insanely cold December air has not caused these young intellectuals to cozy up next to their professors in office hours, hoping for last minute clarifications on research paper requirements. No, my fellow teachers,this horrible, horrible change in climate conditions has made students concerned about a much more serious issue: tanning.

Yes, you read that right—tanning. Since we’ve crept under the 30-day mark to the Winter Solstice, more and more students have been seen strolling around campus with that weird orange glow shining outward from their bright, but strangely dyed, faces. There have also been reports of students going for the two-for-one deal on tanning and hair highlights. Some students have even gone past the highlighting stage and moved straight to full-on bleaching. Professors have been frightened by these students and the incomprehensible metamorphoses that they seemed to have undergone overnight. In fact, I’m just receiving word now that one professor in the history department just taught his class wearing sun glasses! “The glow was just too bright,” he writes. He continues: “The combination of the oppressive fluorescent lighting in the room and the grotesque gleam of artificial skin dye were just too much for my poor old eyes to bear.” When asked if any of his students brought their final papers to class, he morosely replied, “I didn’t see any.” Truly, truly frightening.

That’s all for now, folks. As always, stay classy.