Saturday, November 3, 2007

The Return of Wicked Walter.

It's been quite some time, but Wicked Walter from Waxahachie returns today. After his first post back in August, most readers thought he was a put-on. But, as we sometimes do, we tracked him down. He does exist, and is a professor at a large state school in Texas. (We don't think he's really from Waxahachie, however, because we're pretty sure a nutjob like him would get run out of a nice town like that.) Anyway, Walter is back. You may want to avert your eyes.


What in God's name are you smoking out there on the compound? This site has gone to hell in a hatbox, and I've decided to mobilize myself to save y'all's bacon!

Just this past week I see you let your crazzy-ass, cat-lover nutjobs duke it out with the Depends-wearing old codgers who couldn't chew a decent piece of meat with borrowed teeth. That's a non-starter. Don't let the crazzies have an open forum.

I'm the answer to your problems. I'm neither junior or senior. I'm right in the middle of it all, and I say, quit bickering among yourselves and let's save the venom for the real evil-doers: students, administration, Wanda in the cafeteria, and Roger the I.T. guy with his little screwdrivers and tight trousers.

Seriously, here's what to do to get back on track. You can thank me later. I got a million good ideas, and I'm happy if you just want to name one of your children after me:
  • Start showing some video. I mean it, man, I want to see some of that TMZ shit on here, Lindsay Lohan eating a prune, Nicole Kidman all glassy-eyed rubbing her head on that honky-tonky husband of hers, Slappy White doing his show from the Sands in 1965.

  • Get with the times, man, and hire yourself some needlenose from your computer science department to get the format of the page together. Some days you got the margarita glasses going, now you just this shit-brown thing with the sideways building. Too arty! Big and bold. American flags and fields of hay and strippers with guns and, well, you get my drift. Boldness is what goes over big here in Texas, and I'm sure it'll sweep the rest of those damn dull rectangle states y'all probably live in.

  • Put the focus on the students, not just how they're bad at education, but how smelly they are, how badly they dress, and why can't they run a comb through their hair. Let's go personal. Hey, on that other site, some rotter called my class "a good place to catch a nap." Yeah, well, we'll see how my new airhorn goes over the first time I see some candy-coated co-ed start to nod off. Man, I'll make 'em jump and start running until they hit the Red River. Then they're on their own.

  • I see you got "Big Question Thursday," you're trying out. I give you snaps for a new idea. But also add, "Big Butt Wednesday." Use one of those new cameraphones to capture a big butt on campus, student, groundskeeper, but most likely some suit from the Administration building. Go ahead and blow those pics up to monster size and post them. You won't believe how your hits will go up. People is always searching Google for "butts," "asses," and so on.

  • I got one more before I have to back to the lab and put some whup'ass on those nutty grad students. How about you take RYS on the road. Get yourselves a Handycam something or other, and start knocking on faculty doors. Go to the source. Walk in on Dr. So-and-So and say, "What about them students? Ain't they the worst? How come you're crying? Don't you like my belly?" You get my drift. Quit waiting for the world to come to you, get out there and drum up some content. I see those people on the TV do it all the time. Shove a camera and a microphone in front of Dewey Dumbshit from Sociology or whatever and find out what he really thinks. "RATE 'Em, Baby!"

See. It ain't hard. I spent 9 minutes on this and I came up with 20 ideas better than you ever had in your lives. And I'm not even breathing hard.

Listen, get back to me on this shit right away. Last time I wrote you didn't say a damn thing.

Wicked Walter