Allow me to apologize for assigning a textbook for you to read. A few of you remarked on your anonymous course evaluations that you never read it. I assume you already knew everything in the book, which is why you got an A in the course, right? Oh, wait; the only student to earn an A actually read the book, so that must not be you.
I also apologize for expecting you to write in this mandatory course for your major, which just so happens to have the word "Writing" in its title. After all, it's such a chore for you to have to actually spend the time drafting and proofreading before you submit assignments. One of you noted on the evaluations I should lighten up because "it's just a typo." Are you aware that "typo" stands for "typographical error"? How many errors are acceptable on a given page? One? Two? One in every sentence? I know using spell-check and grammar-check is just so hard. God forbid if you actually had to consult either a dictionary or the writer's manual you were supposed to purchase for the course to help you. How dare I expect these things from adults.
And I apologize for requiring you to double-space your papers. I know it's a true hardship to remember to adjust your word processors to double-space your papers and submit them in Times New Roman 12-point font with standard 1" margins. I know you really, really, really need to stretch the page length on those short papers since I unrealistically expected you to do enough research to be able to submit a 5-page paper instead of a 3-page paper. Silly me for actually knowing the difference between 12-point font and 14-point. Wasn't triple-spacing enough?
Oh, and I also apologize for requiring you to do actual research using library materials. Considering I explained in class about 10 times how journalism is not scholarship and does not have the same level of academic credibility, I know it was completely unrealistic of me to expect you to realize that 1-column article from the New York Times does not have the same worth as an article from a medical journal or an academic journal that would actually require you to read it for more than 10 minutes. Foolish me, I thought this might be an important insight for someone desiring a media-related job after graduating from a university.
Oh, and you plagiarists, I apologize profusely for falsely accusing you of plagiarism. It's obvious now that I was actually hallucinating when, in your papers, I highlighted the verbatim wording and mimicked sentence structure I found online. Obviously, dictionary.com and that scholar from England copied that material from you! Yes, you must be correct that I am, indeed, targeting you because you're black (which, of course, means I was also targeting the white plagiarists because they were white). The fact that in the same section of the course evaluations you also describe me as a "flamboyant homosexual" advancing a "homosexual agenda" must be true since I showed a picture of a shirtless man in class for an assignment; I mean, after all, everybody knows only gay men appear shirtless in advertisements, and only gay men are targeted with male shirtlessness. One must wonder though if your own ignorance and prejudice might not have some bearing on your bad attitude toward course content and might actually be the real reason you'll be retaking the class, not the fact that I was "out to get you."
Well, that…and your repeated tardiness and absences, using cell phones to text during class, disruptions of class, and general lack of preparation. But look on the bright side: The 4-5 of you re-taking the course next time will already know each other!
I also apologize for expecting you to write in this mandatory course for your major, which just so happens to have the word "Writing" in its title. After all, it's such a chore for you to have to actually spend the time drafting and proofreading before you submit assignments. One of you noted on the evaluations I should lighten up because "it's just a typo." Are you aware that "typo" stands for "typographical error"? How many errors are acceptable on a given page? One? Two? One in every sentence? I know using spell-check and grammar-check is just so hard. God forbid if you actually had to consult either a dictionary or the writer's manual you were supposed to purchase for the course to help you. How dare I expect these things from adults.
And I apologize for requiring you to double-space your papers. I know it's a true hardship to remember to adjust your word processors to double-space your papers and submit them in Times New Roman 12-point font with standard 1" margins. I know you really, really, really need to stretch the page length on those short papers since I unrealistically expected you to do enough research to be able to submit a 5-page paper instead of a 3-page paper. Silly me for actually knowing the difference between 12-point font and 14-point. Wasn't triple-spacing enough?
Oh, and I also apologize for requiring you to do actual research using library materials. Considering I explained in class about 10 times how journalism is not scholarship and does not have the same level of academic credibility, I know it was completely unrealistic of me to expect you to realize that 1-column article from the New York Times does not have the same worth as an article from a medical journal or an academic journal that would actually require you to read it for more than 10 minutes. Foolish me, I thought this might be an important insight for someone desiring a media-related job after graduating from a university.
Oh, and you plagiarists, I apologize profusely for falsely accusing you of plagiarism. It's obvious now that I was actually hallucinating when, in your papers, I highlighted the verbatim wording and mimicked sentence structure I found online. Obviously, dictionary.com and that scholar from England copied that material from you! Yes, you must be correct that I am, indeed, targeting you because you're black (which, of course, means I was also targeting the white plagiarists because they were white). The fact that in the same section of the course evaluations you also describe me as a "flamboyant homosexual" advancing a "homosexual agenda" must be true since I showed a picture of a shirtless man in class for an assignment; I mean, after all, everybody knows only gay men appear shirtless in advertisements, and only gay men are targeted with male shirtlessness. One must wonder though if your own ignorance and prejudice might not have some bearing on your bad attitude toward course content and might actually be the real reason you'll be retaking the class, not the fact that I was "out to get you."
Well, that…and your repeated tardiness and absences, using cell phones to text during class, disruptions of class, and general lack of preparation. But look on the bright side: The 4-5 of you re-taking the course next time will already know each other!
