Here’s a quick guide to which major holds the most promise for your child.
With college fueling the fun factor in young adult entertainment these days – just look at the pizza boxes and beer bottles littering dormitory hallways every morning – it’s no surprise that youngsters are flocking to college. In fact, over 91.6 percent of all college students are between 17 and 22 years of age, according to statistics.
The biggest question faced by new college students is what to major in. Each major touts different benefits, from self-actualization to automatic entry into the upper middle class, and each major can help young adults in different ways. So which major is best for your child? We asked D. Thornley Asparagus, Ph.D., associate professor and author of numerous unread publications, to match typical childhood personalities with majors:
The bullied child
The major: computer science
By majoring in computer science, you’ll be able to get revenge on co-workers who think you’re ugly by remotely downloading child pornography onto their desktops and then notifying the company’s IT administrator of ‘excess bandwidth usage.’ Computer science majors earn large incomes and work long hours, so they can easily meet their material needs while having no friends. For the bullied child who majors in computer science, adulthood will be a very familiar experience.
The chubby child
The major: business
Just like the chubby child, the business major draws attention, appears important while consisting mostly of flab, and consumes resources that could be more productively used elsewhere. These qualities enables an obese recipient of a business degree to feel self-important despite being a cost liability to any employer’s health insurance provider.
The child who needs to find inner peace
The major: religion
Religion majors learn that slaughtering – or at least condemning to Hell – anyone who doesn’t think exactly the way they do is completely acceptable because that is God’s will. Nothing produces peace of mind better than learning that faith in a Supreme Being absolves you of any need for independent thought or for taking responsibility for your actions.
The ill-mannered child
The major: athletics
For the ill-mannered child who needs more sunlight than employment as a prison guard can provide, athletics is the perfect major. Students who major in athletics (sometimes alternatively known as ‘physical education,’ ‘sports management,’ or ‘let’s create a major so you maintain your NCAA eligibility’) learn that it’s not how you play the game that counts, but whether you get probation for your third sex offense. Ill-mannered children who major in athletics receive all the assistance they need, in the form of cash, cars, and when all else fails, grade-fixing, to successfully complete their college education.
The distracted child
The major: education
Distracted children are well-suited for the education major, because in college those who major in education don’t really learn anything anyway. The education major represents the triumph of form over substance, so paying attention, mastering unfamiliar material, and acquiring new knowledge are totally optional.