Dr. Schadenfrau Takes Her Snowflakes Out in the Sun And Whilst in a Dream Discovers the Error in "Because."

Today in class someone thought it would be a good idea if we sat outside for our seminar. FYI, I’m not like a character from the HBO vampire series, “True Blood” — that means I won’t fry after sunrise like ravioli in a chain restaurant kitchen. But outside? Never mind the bugs and threats of death posed by every tool-wielding university groundskeeper, the sunlight is so…so…unnatural for academics. It’s quite hard to keep the sullen, overworked pallor going if there’s a sun-kissed glimmer on one’s nose. However, Dr. Schadenfrau’s open to all kinds of craziness in the summer so, WTF…let’s take our fatty arses to the outdoor concourse, get a frosty beverage and talk all post modern.

More compelling than iced tea and an “en plein air” teaching environment is the opportunity to wear sunglasses. Why? Well, I can close my eyes and let them roll back in my head while Adelaide blithers on about Derrida (not realizing he's DEAD). With quadruple chins to support my noggin, it never looks like I’ve fallen into an unconscious stupor. Rather, I think I appear as a pasty yet benevolent “Jabba the Hut, Ph.D.” via a few spastic and somnolent head bobs. Inadvertent sleep-drooling can be a give-away but the trick here is to keep the beverage straw in your mouth at all times. Makes a great spit conduit and emergency head prop should a chin or two give way.

Amidst the student and leaf-blower droning, my thoughts rambled over to posts by “Entourage” and “Grade Bump.” I’ve felt all that pain—and numbed it with bourbon and cat acquisition—many times over. Today, however, I think I’ve split the freakin’ atom and solved the problem for all of us. It’s a bit like Derrida’s erasure…except we’re gonna blow the word ‘BECAUSE’ right outta' the student excuse vocabulary.

Imagine course policies that said: “Students excuses—verbal or written—must end before the word ‘because’.” Think about the spare time we’d have. Hell, I’d have tenure twice over by now and probably a humanitarian award. Me and Angie Jolie, sitting together at the UN....yeah, Brad would be lookin' my way....yeah.

Anyway, for example:

My girlfriend, Buffy, can’t take the exam today because her mother’s cat’s worm medicine that ended up in Buffy’s Nyquil for her cold due to Jennifer doing something dumb has made her pass kidney stones through her eye-sockets and her mother thinks this is really bad for the cat and has increased Buffy’s intolerance for dietary calcium so she thinks the cat shouldn’t come into Buffy’s room and influence her decision to go to school today and talk to Jennifer.

Jam a period right before ‘because’ and damn, it’s the money shot — hot and satisfying. All I need to know is the Buffster can’t make the exam today. I don’t care why.Never did. It works nicely for the grade bump scenario, too! That pesky question, when ended before ‘because’, just begs for a resounding Dr. Jabba the Hut, “NO!” It's fast, it's efficient....why didn't I think of it before?

From Post Secret. Why English Proffies Drink the Most.

What Everyone Missed About Madison from Monona. The Bitchy Bear Visits to Wipe Away the Stink of Confusion.

Ok, I'll be honest: I'm too dumb to understand Madison's post. I don't know what she means by "taking it personally" when students do stupid ass crap. I'm pretty sure that I don't take a lot of stupid crap personally. I don't care if they call me fat on my evaluations. I don't care if they say things like "this proffie is mean and makes us turn in stuff on time and makes us look at books." I used to work in a job where I got death threats.

But what do I take personally is when people add to my already redonkulous workload, and a whole bunch of their stupid crap adds to my workload. Having to sort through endless emails begging for more time? Adds work. Having to sit through dramatic tantrums in my office because the little prince got a B? Yep, adds work. Having to explain in painful detail that missing six classes out of ten is not "only missing a few classes" and can affect their grades? Yup, time. Filling out reports for plagiarism, listening their whining and excuse-making. Check, it adds work.

It's my job, and I do all of the above, as patiently as I can, but dammit I also need to get tenure, and for those of us at research universities, the research expectations seem pretty damn daunting to me. So every minute I spend listening to Chynina or Mellissande (with an accent on the e) or Thor or Netalya-Nell or blither about her sad life and why she needs to gum up my grading schedule is a minute I am not working on my research, which means it's a minute I'm going to have to spend at night and on weekends on the research, because there is little flexibility on the numbers at tenure time. Eventually all those minutes accommodating their stupid crap erases any possibility that I might have of ever getting a weekend or a night free, leaving me to spend my stolen moments writing bitter screeds here rather than actually having a life.

So yeah, that gets on my nerves. When it's one student, eh, whatever. When it's half of the class...shit it makes me want to set them on fire. It's my job and I do it, but...it still pisses me off that I'm raising somebody's kid, which is what I am doing when I set limits and try to teach them that adults don't have bootyhootyhoo crying jags in front of other adults over anything that doesn't involve the words "cancer" or 'drive-by shooting" or "car crash."

But what really sent me into the land of confusion is Madison's claim that she is teaching them proper citation. Smokin' Jesus and his little sweet pickles. Are you really, Madison? Everybody stop being mean to Madison so she'll tell me how she teaches proper citation. Because I try like hell to teach them proper citation and this is like...man, this is by far the most frustrating thing in my already highly frustrated world. I'm not even talking about the difficult stuff like when you use quotations and when you use in-line citation, or when you need to cite versus when you can simply state a widely accepted conclusion (like price affects demand). I'm just talking about them making a reference list that doesn't make me want to jab out my own eyes. What is it about citations? Can somebody explain this to me? Because my students act like citations are...God, I don't know...arcane knowledge. I mean, there's Kate Turabian, who has spent her entire life working out how to do this, and there's this small manual, and there's even an online manual, and there is reference management software (our university uses RefWorks, which is free.) Why is proper citation the hardest thing EVER? Is this my imagination? When I was in English for Donkeys 100 years ago, our TA gave us Turabian and an assignment, and we handed it in. She wouldn't accept it until it was perfect. She just kept handing it back to us. I try to do the same thing in my classes and it's FRACKING ENDLESS.

Back in the day, I slopped through the first assignment, got it shoved back at me, and figured out the woman was serious and did the work the second time. My students? It's like I've invented perpetual motion: they hand in slop, I tell them it's incorrect and that they need to go back, look at the guide, and figure out what's wrong. I then sit through a shitstorm of whining that makes the hot air associated with Hurricane Rita look inconsequential, they hand it in again, having changing fonts and nothing else, and I hand it back, and we do the entire dance again and again and again until I just give in. The part that really kills me: in later classes they will say to my colleagues "I don't know how to cite properly, nobody showed me." It's enough to make me want to stay in bed for the rest of my life.

Why Ed McMahon Gets So Little Coverage Here.

Our celebrity mourner from Friday generated a good deal of mail. Here are two pieces that best addressed the issues.

This is a website about sometimes-serious, sometimes-lighthearted issues in the realm of academia, it's not about EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON IN THE WORLD. You want to commiserate about Michael Jackson? Go to just about any other website in cyberspace right now. You looking for a debate about the Iranian elections, or global warming? Damn there's a lot of sites that'll cover those issues, why are you demanding that it be covered here too? If I'm feeling stressed about stuff going on in the world, I'll talk about it with my family and my friends, and maybe in anonymous cyberspace, but not on this particular site. If I want stress about academic shee-ite, this is the place to be, sweetheart. You don't like it, then piss off to the millions of other websites you can visit.

Damn, that student email nicely crystallizes what's wrong with students these days - such a skewed sense of what's important versus what's not important, and how everyone should agree with and change to suit THEIR priorities. This attitude is definitely leaking bigtime into the entry-level workforce now - a friend of mine who works in mid-management in the financial consulting sector was reprimanding a 24-year-old newly-graduated subordinate with a business degree, for deciding to sleep in because she partied late the night before, not bother coming into work that day nor informing anyone of her whereabouts, causing a missed reporting deadline to a client that resulted in a financial penalty to the company. Her response, which involved interrupting her boss in mid-reprimand: 'Why are you getting on my case? It's no big deal. It's not like I killed someone or something.' Sheesh. It oddly made me feel better to know that we don't suffer this shit from young turdlings just in academia.

[*]

Ah, thanks for your refreshing perspective and for focusing on the important things instead of being so negative. Yeah right! Your email matches the cynicism level that keeps me returning to RYS day after day. It’s obvious that you have no clue how frustrating it is to dedicate your life to higher education just to be stuck with a group of students who feel that being expected to read a “f*&^*(&king book” is too hard, silly, or unimportant. The bottom line is this: If you’re not interested in truly learning the subject matter, don’t take the class. University is supposed to be a sanctuary for scholarly research and discussion. Instead, it’s become a mass production facility where grades are inflated and failure to learn is overlooked so that every little snowflake can continue to feel good about him or herself.

Students should arrive on campus with an open mind and spend considerable time exploring new thoughts until they find their true passion. However, this is rarely the actuality for my students. They opt for classes that they’ve heard are easy or ones which they believe have a light attendance policy. My favorite, however, which hearkens back to your post, is that many students will avoid—at all costs—classes with a heavy writing load. Why in the world do we demand that young people be able to accurately, logically, and concisely express their thoughts? Because it’s important! Based on the inconsistencies and unapologetic misspellings in your email, I’m not overly surprised this point is lost on you.

Being a good writer is a sign of intelligence and maturity. Writing is a skill can and should be learned through continued education. It’s not a magical power possessed by only a select few. Further, learning to identify reliable sources, following formatting directions, and adhering to strict ethical guidelines is simply a warm up for life in the ‘real world’ where there are bosses who expect tasks to be executed accurately, on time, and with unfailing attention to detail.

Finally, I’m not at all certain why you feel that this blog — one with a clear purpose — should be actively mourning the passing of these celebrities. To my knowledge, none of them were great college students who deserve praise in an academic forum. Before you get all huffy, I’ll agree that we have witnessed the lives and now the loss of 3 very unique and influential stars. However, I do not read RYS to get the latest celebrity news.

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

A high school secretary illegally changed grades in a school computer system to improve her daughter's class standing, according to criminal charges filed Thursday.

Caroline Maria McNeal of Huntingdon is accused of using the passwords of three co-workers without their knowledge to tamper with dozens of grades and test scores between May 2006 and July 2007 at Huntingdon Area High School in central Pennsylvania, the state attorney general's office said.

McNeal, 39, is alleged to have improved her daughter Brittany's grades and reduced those of two classmates to enhance Brittany's standing in the 2008 graduating class.

School officials corrected the grades before the students graduated, prosecutors said.

Attorney General Tom Corbett said the case involves "a serious violation of the public trust."

Full article.

We Just Work Here.

You people are such assholes. You spend all your time making fun of students when really important things goes on all the time. For instance, my mother called me to say that Ed Mcmann died last week, and he was one of her all time favorites on the Tonight Show. And then today Farrah Fawcett and the KING OF POP Michael jackson died. And you won't even mention it or focus on it because your all bad teachers and you think its your students faults for it. You should really focus on the important things and the good things instead of being so negative. My uncle Warren gave me a Michael Jackson CD when I was a little boy and I learned all the dances, and my pop was a big fan of Farah Fawcett. These are icons, even Ed McMann even if he wasn't a singer or actress. And the real world is harsh and unforgivable and all you can do is write about how a student didnt staple his paper or used wikipedia instead of a f*&^*(&king book. You need to get some perespective. I dont even care if you publish my e=mail but I thought you should know that I read your page and its full of shit just like you. I have so much anxiety and stress because of what goes on around the world and all you care about is plagiarism and if my roomate helped me write my paper. ITS MORE THAN U EVER DID!!!

Ed Mcmann rip
Michael jackson rip
Farahh Fawcett rip

Top 10 Reasons I'm Not Bumping Your Grade.

10) The syllabus specifically states not to ask for a grade bump. But seeing as you're asking, and you had to scan the syllabus for my contact info, you don't care what the syllabus says. To foster a mutually shared experience of ignoring written materials, I'm now going to ignore your email.

9) Several months after the fact you're now declaring that you were 'not feeling well' during a previous midterm, which affected your academic performance, and you now want an 'adjustment' to your grade that reflects that? Sure thing, as soon as monkeys or pigs, or some other type of animal, magically flies out of my ass holding a valid doctor's note dated the same day as that long-ago midterm.

8) It's all about the Benjamins, baby.

7) You want a grade bump from a D to a C+ so that you can make Science one of your 'Teachables' for your teaching degree? If you're getting a D in 1st year Intro to Biology, then I sure as hell don't want you teaching my kids science.

6) You'll do "ANYTHING" to get a grade bump? Unfortunately, the stress over my upcoming tenure review and the accompanying barrel of Scotch I've been drowning myself in for the last few months means that there's currently no urges nor active nerve endings down there, so that particular carrot on a stick won't work this time. If you'd taken the course last year...

5) There is no number 5.

4) If I don't give you a grade bump you're going to complain to the Dean? Go ahead, the Dean hates students more than I do, beeyatch.

3) You want a grade bump from A to A+ so that you've got a decent shot at getting into med school/dentistry/optometry/etc.? I don't want to be operated on by some schmoe who got into med school because of a grade bump. Then again, there is that old joke "What do you call a person who just barely passed every test in med school? - Doctor."

2) You want a grade bump because "it'll really help your GPA"? I got news for you, a grade bump will help ANYONE's GPA. Getting a higher mark than the one you actually deserve will ALWAYS do wonders to one's GPA.

1) You're a 4th year student with a major in a different science department, you failed miserably in this 1st year science course that you thought would be an easy elective, and your whole family has already bought plane tickets to come all the way across the country to a graduation ceremony in one month's time that you won't be attending because failure in this course means that you don't have enough credits to graduate. Um, sucks to be you, dude. At least have them check out the museums so the trip isn't a total loss.

"My Student Apparently Has An Entourage."

I've gotten used to having students make special requests, especially during finals week. There are always going to be those students who want extensions or alternate exam dates because of sickness, family emergencies, or whatever. I don't blame the students for asking for what they think they need to get the best grade possible.

But get this: Sunday night, I get an email, not from a student, but from her boyfriend. Not just that, but from her boyfriend who is speaking on behalf of her mother. The boyfriend wrote me to say that his girlfriend's mother wants her to take the final exam on a later date.

It was completely weird for me to respond to the boyfriend and not to the student herself, but here's what I wrote: I'm sure you, [student's name] and her mother can understand that, in a class of 200 students, if I were to grant a postponement to every student who has a sickness, family emergency, or other personal reason, I would be proctoring exams for days on end. If [student's name] is too sick to take the exam on Wednesday, her option is this: She can take an incomplete and get in touch with me in the summer or in the fall to take the final exam. Of course, as with any incomplete, she will need a documented reason (such as a doctor's note) for her inability to take the exam on its scheduled date. If she doesn't want to take this option, then I suggest that she try her best in these next three days to get well enough to take the exam.

Of course, what I wanted to say was this: Are you fucking kidding me? Is her cold rendering her incapable of writing emails? Or is perhaps her real sickness a case of overbearing mother and patronizing boyfriend? Should I be cc-ing this to her agent, personal assistant, and life coach as well?

This just goes to show that some college students do not want to be treated as adults. And, when they're trying to get away with shit, they're often so bad at executing it. It's like when my friend caught one of her students plagiarizing his paper and had to submit herself to a fucking parent-teacher conference (the student brought his parents with him to my friend's office hours, surprise!), during which she had to witness the mother lavish praise on her golden boy of a son while the student lies to his mother's face: "Maybe the website copied me!"

Fucking ridiculous.

God, it's so hard to stay positive sometimes. I really have to focus my attention on the students who have been awesome. I've had students come to my office hours to learn more about the topics I covered, to get a list of additional readings, and to ask about other classes on campus. That's always gratifying. I imagine that I have more good students than bad ones. It's just a bummer that it's always the asshole idiots who end up drawing attention to themselves by writing me ridiculous emails, watching Youtube videos during my lectures, and complaining (!) about the study guide that I didn't even have to write for them in the first place. The good students do as good students are supposed to, which is get their work done without fuss.

What Three RYS Readers Do When They Have Free Time.

Dearest Cash,

Honey, you are the shiz-nit. We love you. Two of my BFFs and I have taken turns supplying questions for your answers of 6/22. Tell us if we're close, okay?

Oh, we're all single, though the tallest of us only dates athletes...tell us you at least play disc golf, okay?

Mitzi from Mobile, Margie from Miami, and Mimi from Miami BEACH!

Refer to your answers thusly:

1. How many posts have there been on RYS?
2. Is the compound nice, honey? Are you all sweaty?
3. You look gorgeous in your avatar. What's your height and weight?
4. Would you please twitter with us? 140 characters away from lovin'!
5. What's the best thing about working for RYS - and being so hot!
6. What makes your pretty eyes so sad?
7. Would it bug you if we kissed you all over? Touched you under your regalia?
8. Where would we go on our honeymoon?
9. What nickname would you give to us?
10. What's your fave Steve Carrell line?
11. If we poured you champagne in our slippers, how many could you drink for each of the three of us?
12. What would you say if another guy asked us to dance and say you came to our rescue, and he threatend our honor, and we blinked our eyes demurely at you?
13. Did you like Val Kilmer in "Heat"?
14. Say we were to greet you at the compound wearing just nailpolish and our librarian-style glasses, would you prefer we spank you like a naughty boy, or use the fingernails on your back?
15. What's the best advice your dad ever gave you? (Or, Mimi suggests: "What would your dad say if he saw us awaiting your arrival at a smooth Holiday Inn Express in Boca Raton?)
16. Favorite place to tangle with us?
17. Where do you teach, honey?
18. Have you ever been with an older woman? Did it make you feel like a gigolo?
19. Have you been getting our other mash notes?
20. Do you know who we are, truly, inside? Would it annoy you to know that we download single-girl-erotica and use Photoshop to place your darlin' face on the actors who resemble you?

Okay, so that was harder than we first thought... But, Cash...we tried...

XOXOXOX
M, M & M

"Dear Cash..." Compound Cash Takes Some Questions.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.