Dear Job Candidate,
We've waded through 500 applications, and there are only 12 that didn't completely polarize our crack committee.
Congratulations, YOUR one of those 13.
Now we'd like you to complete some more arbitrary steps so that we can hopefully weed out a few more.
Number one, please send us student evaluations. We don't care how many. You can send this past semester, something from 20 years ago. You can send just the good ones, just the bad ones. If you have numerical averages, that's cool. If you have made up student comments you want to write and send, that's cool, too.
Then we want your transcripts. We know that a photocopy would suffice, but we're pricks, and we want official ones. We're especially keen on transcripts that cost candidates $5-15, because that also trims the list. Actually we'd prefer an actual copy of whatever you have hanging on your office wall, frame included.
Then we want letters of recommendations. But these can't have been written last year or the year before. We want letters from each of your referees written in the past 12 days. Anything other than that is invalid, and we'll cut you from the original list of 14 names. And they can't be copies, either, of course. Please call all of your referees and tell them you need individualized letters sent RUSH to our address, because if they miss your deadline, then we cut you, and we'll be down to just 15 candidates.
So, get started. Wait for it. GO!