Dear Professor Disrespecty,
I understand your [sic] concerned about [my cheating on 6 essays] in reference to the exam [of 20 questions]. However, I am [middle aged]; I have [a sophomore's lifetime of experience] in the military; have a degree; own a business; and in the process of launching another business. I refuse to be disrespected by your opinion or anyone else. I could have easily voiced my opinion on you as an instructor who I felt reacted totally unprofessionally. I have never been so humiliated in my life.
The first exam I took didn’t seem like the answers you were looking for; therefore I went into an extended research [see:eCheat.com] to try to give you a better answer. The exam did not say essay questions, I was given twenty questions and I answer [sic] twenty questions. You as an instructor did not specific [sic] whether it was an open book test or whether we could use other resources such as the internet. Therefore, I used the textbook and other resources for my exam, which did not specific [sic] an essay type exam. I have been attending Online U since [a long time ago] and never had this problem before. I will continue to strive to do the best I can to past [sic] your class and will be appealing this exam. You have a blessed day.
A desperately aging mother and ex-military who feels her life slipping away
I'm so pleased that your military training has taught you respect. You see, by being disrespectful in the email but ending with respect, I can only conclude that you respect the authority you have been trained to idealize for over 2 decades. Great job!!
I now see how idiotic it was for me to nail you for cheating from an elementary school website on our subject. I mean, you own a business! You might soon own two!! You've been here for years!!! Clearly, this is my Bad. And by blessing my day by god, you really laid the shame on thick. God must really be disappointed in me for calling out one of his True Believers(TM).
The thing is, when you cheat, shouldn't you use a thesaurus to cover your tracks, preventing Google from helping me find your source? (You could really use a dictionary too, just in general) And speaking of source, Really?! An elementary school put together a brief overview of our subject and you felt it answered the essays perfectly? It didn't. It led me to google your answers. How you stretched a single page description of the subject into 6 different essays on disparate issues is truly a feat to be proud of.
I'm a bit excited for your appeal. There's been a spike in Plagiarism lately, and my Dean has already begun contacting faculty about it. Dean Tough wants us to strengthen our resolve and fail all people found pulling answers off the ol' internet without citation. Dean Tough sends us faculty some warm words of support when we're diligent about it. I can't wait to see your explanation: "I was not formally told (despite all the plagiarism warnings online, in the student handbook, in my syllabus) that using other people's words to answer a question about my comprehension of a text would be cheating!!"
Hilarious. Good luck, Desperate!! You might pray for a little divine intervention.