Friday, February 19, 2010

Flakemail of the Day.

Dear Ms. [Blackboard Insert],

My name is Cindy Snowflake, I am in your class on W, Fri (1:40-2:55). I have not been able to attend class on the first two weeks [uhm...two and a half, but who's counting?] because I have been very sick with flu like symptoms [I understand that the duration of H1N1 is, on average, 7 days, but I guess you can never be too careful]. I know I have a lot to make up [knowing the obvious is half the battle] and will work hard not to miss any more classes in the future [I'd rather you worked hard in class] . Thank You [you're welcome; please come again, or, better yet, DON'T. I've got 23 other snowflakes to deal with already.]

From Cindy Snowflake [In case you didn't remember my name the first time, because I certainly don't know what yours is.]


Dear Cindy,

I'd really love to tell you to suck it, but I was hoping the F on the in-class essay you would have bombed today had you showed up to write it would have spoken louder than any of my words. But I had been instructed not to mark you "absent" provided you mentioned the magic words: "flu-like symptoms." Sheer dumb luck.

Quick question, though: what the hell were you thinking when you decided to waltz into my classroom 6 minutes before the end of class, proceeded to sit down, and then, upon my asking you, repeatedly, whether I could help you, mumbled something like, "Is this Lit...erature?" and, upon my responding that this was, indeed, 6 more minutes of Comparative Literature, you said, "I guess it's the wrong class, then" and waltzed right back out?! Please get back to me at your earliest convenience, because, dude, I've no clue what to expect now.

Baffled Ms. Proffie