this is Cheesy Chessy from your 101W class. First off I would like to apologize for my recent absence from your class the past two weeks. I have been going to school in spots, due to the flu circulating around my home, as well as my sisters house who lives next door.
Too much info i know but i figured I'd give you my whole family history (that was an attempt at a joke by the way).
On a more serious note though, i was wondering if there is any possible extra assignment/s that i could do to make up for my lost time in your class. I know that I have probably made a poor impression on you due to my recent attendance, but i assure you that academics are a big priority for me, after a recent downfall in grades this time last semester due to personal reasons.
I also just created a run-on sentence, which I'm sure isn't helping my chances, but i implore you to give me a chance at making a better impression on you, and doing better in your class. So if you would please consider giving me some type of assignment to pull up my grade i would be immensely grateful.
This is your professor. First off, I would like to inquire as to why, after sending me this email over a month ago, you have attended my class exactly twice: once to take the midterm exam, and then to pick up the said exam. I wonder if you should get those spots checked out, there being a pandemic an all around your house and that of your sister's. Does she have the same spots, as well?
Too much info, I know, but I figured I'd ask as many vague questions as possible in order to find out absolutely nothing about you and your family history about which I couldn't care less anyway while listening to your feeble attempt to persuade me that you could make up for all that time you had lost outside of my class, not to mention all that time I had lost worrying about your pathetic attendance, as well as writing this thoughtful reply, while creating a seemingly endless run-on sentence (that was an attempt at a joke by the way).
So, if you would really like to help your chances of passing this course and not see your grade fall abysmally down "due to [a different] set of [equally undefined and, frankly, irrelevant] personal reasons," consider doing the actual assignments, you asshole, and not reaching for some extra credit bullshit report on the writing of which you would spend less time than I would on figuring out the assignment itself since there is no readily available Wikipedia page on that.
So, if you would please consider not sending me any more emails unless they contain legitimate course work, I would be immensely grateful.