Finklestein - You royally fucked yourself on the midterm but you swear you've done all the reading and never missed class. My TAs say you never speak and you've sure as shit never shown up to my office. This leaves two options. You're either a liar or a goddamned idiot who doesn't know he's in over his head - which is hard for an intro course.Nancy - You're the only one in here with a laptop. By the expression on your face (and on the students directly behind you), you're probably checking Facebook or downloading porn. Why did you bother coming in, again?
Lucy - If your phone goes off one more time, the rest of the class is going to mob you. I will not stop them. Even if you do have Darth Vader's Imperial March set as your ringtone.
Pelham - I only know you through email exchanges, but I loathe you. Your self-righteous, condescending and pedantic explanations of why you deserve more points only makes us want to fail you all the more. Fortunately, you're doing an admirable job all on your own. Keep it up.
Sarah - Your doe-eyed expressions of adoration will not get you a better grade, but they do make standing up here more interesting. At least someone's making eye contact. Keep it up.
Jim - I get it. You're a student athlete. You need special accomodations. Wait... You want to take exams and quizzes early? And you've given me a schedule of your absences at the beginning of the term? And you actively participate in class discussion and make every effort to get the work you'll miss completed before you leave... I like you. Keep it up.
