Tenure Track Faculty Position
Department of Ennui
The Department of Ennui at Bufkegpt College, a residential, liberal arts college located just about as far from anywhere you’d really want to live as possible, is seeking applicants for a full-time (except we only pay you for 9 months – you have your summers “free”), tenure-track position that begins immediately before you’re expected to start teaching 3 brand-new courses for which you haven’t prepared. Rank and salary will be commensurate with the AAUP average for an equivalent position at small, liberal arts colleges, minus 30%. Applicants should demonstrate a commitment to teaching at the most dumbed-down, undemanding undergraduate level imaginable, and will be expected to completely rewrite the mind-numbingly dull, 30-year-old lecture and laboratory courses in the introductory ennui sequence in their first semester.
The chosen candidate will also be expected to provide other courses in their area of expertise, which will be hated by the students because they will probably require real work, unappreciated by your colleagues because you won’t also have time to teach freshman remedial ennui, and ignored by the administration because they will be too specialized to count for any core or departmental requirement.
The successful candidate will be dedicated to finding another position within 3 years, enthusiastic about offering courses which they are unqualified to teach but are desperately needed to fulfill essential requirements that half the senior class needs to graduate, and develop a progressively more moribund research program that incorporates bright and enthusiastic undergraduates who will eventually burn out upon realizing that the college has no intention of really supporting an undergraduate research program.
Interested applicants should submit their CV, cover letter, statements of teaching and research philosophy, and a list of all medications they are currently taking to last year’s new hire who is currently expected to take on all the shit jobs in the department, including chairing search committees.
Review of applications begin whenever we can all get together in the same place without someone saying “I can only stay for 15 minutes!” and will continue until the departmental infighting and backstabbing reach a fever pitch, at which point the Dean will pull the line until next year. Then all this crap will start over again.
Bufkegpt College is an Equal Opportunity Employer
committed to Puffing-Up its Own Marginal Reputation
While Spending as Little as Possible and
Blowing Smoke Up Prospective Students’ Asses.
