Listen up to all the yabos who are getting drafted to work on search committees this year.
I know you've got a full plate and all that, but shitfire would you please follow the following "human decency" rules.
- I already know you can't follow this one, but it doesn't hurt to bring it up. IF YOU HAVE AN INTERNAL CANDIDATE YOU'RE ALREADY GOING TO HIRE, LEAVE THE REST OF US THE FUCK ALONE! Sure, your human resources goober says you must, the Dean requires, etc. But it's A-1 Bad Faith! Or if you're leaning toward an internal candidate, play fair with our applications at least.
- Write a real fucking ad with real information. Don't be coy. Don't be subtle. Ask what you're looking for. Tell us what the job ACTUALLY entails. Don't beat around the bush. You get so many lousy applications because you write such vague and (often) misleading ads.
- Be reasonable with expectations. Don't ask for someone who's a specialist in synchronized diving, but who also can fly a rocketship and make party dresses out of burlap and twine. I know you have these NEEDS, but put yourself in the place of an applicant and ask, "Could I do all of that shit? Would I?"
- Don't ask us for teaching evaluations, letters, teaching philosophy, sample syllabi, and writing samples right at the start. Are you kidding me? You're not going to read all of them. Everyone knows it. Use your fucking PhD degrees to read letters and CVs in the first round, cut out the 79.5% of the people who applied to the wrong job, and THEN ask for ancillary materials. Not only are you killing trees for no reason, you're also digging your fat fingers into my pocketbook, and I - no - likey!
- I don't give a shit HOW many applications you get. ARRANGE FOR SOME OFFICE HELP TO REPLY TO EVERYTHING. Don't be a bunch of rude fucking goons either with a form letter that says, "Due to the overwhelming interest in our 4/4 slave wages live in Buttfuck Kansas job, we will only contact you if you are shitlisted, er, I mean shortlisted." That's bullshit. You likely want us to treat you professionally, so how about some of the same treatment!
- In your first letter to applicants, TELL US THE TIMETABLE. Are you interviewing on campus in December, or at a convention, or on the phone? How many people do you shortlist? When does it happen? When will I hear? Who will contact me?
- In the second round, when you ask for ancillary materials, don't pose your request like it's a FUCKING RIDDLE. When you say, "send evidence of successful teaching," do you want a video of me sending my class up in hysterics with my Perez Hilton routine? Do you want something from my boss? You want teaching evaluations from students? You want a self-evaluation? You want to know about my teaching awards? Can I just send you my RapeMyProfessor page, the one where 46% of the posts are either from me or my pal Big Eddie?
- Phone interview with 9 committee members? Spring for the really good Radio Shack speakerphone, okay? That's the first thing. Also, when it's your turn to ask the question, AIM YOUR PIEHOLE AT THE FUCKING DEVICE. If you normally can't be heard in a church, there's no way I'm going to hear you at my shitty apartment.
- If we get to come to campus as one of 2-3 candidates, TREAT ME THE SAME AS THE OTHERS. I don't care if I'm your FAVORITE or not. We all deserve the same shot. Don't fob me off on a junior faculty member because you've already made your mind up on some other guy. That's not fair. Show me respect. Treat me like I were a colleague, because that's what I might be one day.
- DON'T TREAT ME LIKE I'M AN ENEMY TO YOUR HAPPINESS. I don't care if you were FORCED to be on the search committee. It's your duty this semester and do it well. Pretend like it fucking matters. Because, baby, it does.