Sunday, May 25, 2008

As a Favor To Everyone, One of Our Chief Correspondents Sends Along This Recommendation Letter Template.


For years, I've been churning out recommendations for students, honored to provide whatever small assistance I can offer. Over time, I developed a template that allows me to crank out letters faster than an Asian Rim wage slave pumping out flimsy Hollister T-shirts by the metric ton. But recently, I've been fielding requests from students for whom I would not recommend for advanced fryolator studies at Barney's Burger Dome. For them, I devised a new template that may be of some assistance to you.

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Tag, (For You, Sir or Madam, Are "It"),

It is with heavy heart, and a no little trepidation for the future of the service industry, that I recommend to you Mr. Wellington Q. FuckKnuckle III (herein known as CTRL-V). CTRL-V is an outstanding student. Indeed, CTRL-V is often seen out standing in the parking lot, dutifully and industriously toking down his breakfast, only after having diligently shaken seeds and stems off the face of his still shrink-wrapped textbook. For these reasons, and immeasurably more, I believe him to be highly deserving of immediate and irrevocable transfer to YOUR FINE INSTITUTION GOES HERE.

Three years ago, CTRL-V was rumored to be a student in my Remedial Intro to Sociology course ("People are Strange"). During that time, CTRL-V diligently cut and scrupulously pasted a number of essays that were, in all probability, brilliant in their original form. In each case, CTRL-V bravely overcame his sub-Cro-Magnon typing skills while audaciously seeking to stitch together mutlipicitous cutting-edge insights (often a freshly minted cluster of clich├ęs generated by some penniless grad student at $39.95 a throw online). From these, CTRL-V succeeded in weaving an elegant and flowing tapestry that evoked, against all odds, the enduring collaboration of “Wilma Shake Spears” (Britney’s long lost sister) and Mr. Michael Angelo. His bold and fearless attempt to shed light upon the collaboration between the freshly dead Mr. Angelo and a post-natal, rattle-wielding Bard, a collaboration that had no bearing whatsoever on the course assignment, makes him one of the most innovative students I have had the horror to teach.

When, and/or if, present, CTRL-V is an asset to class discussion – always evincing a willingness to ask out-of-the-box questions about this professor’s willingness to conduct class in a more bucolic setting (say, in proximity to the parking lot and the roach-choked ashtray of CTRL-V's Oldsmobile), all the while seeking to engage his classmates and steer discussions forward in a new direction (i.e., his dorm and the beer bong maintained therein). The caliber of students such as CTRL-V is rare (if, of course, one is considering students who currently live inside my desk drawer). His contributions to the university are manifold (without him, the Student Advocacy Program and the Video Arcade facilitators would lay off half their staffs) and reach far beyond this university (he is currently securing the retirement of any and all stockholders of the Blitz Beer Company and the marketers of Grand Theft Bunghole XIV).

Currently, at least according to the roster, CTRL-V attends my upper level sociology course ("The Helenic and Heuristic Hagiography of Where's Waldo"). I was thrilled to be given an opportunity to write this letter on his behalf, only because it gives me a unparalleled opportunity to rid this fine institution of a cancer in its midst and wedge my nose ever deeper into my Dean's overburdened Depends. It is with great hope and no little relief that I boot CTRL-V's cheese-fed ass through the uprights of higher ed and into the promised land of YOUR FINE INSTITUTION GOES HERE.

If I may be of any assistance, please do not hesitate to lose my number.

Very Truly Yours,

Professor John Doe
Podunk State U