Sunday, March 30, 2008

"Let Me Consider Your Request. No. Wait. What am I Doing? No. Go Away."

The email I received:

I was a student in your class last year and in your class I recieved a C. Im am writting to ask that you change that grade into a C+.

In my freshmen year, I made a practical joke on campus that foreve changed my life. I made a prank call telling a friend that I saw a terorrist go into the administration building with rifles and guns. He ended up telling someone and the college did not take this lightly. they suspended me for a year and a half. I returned excited to have a second chance, but immediatly had to drop all of my classes after becoming very ill that semester. I was diagnosed with diabetis.

Over the course of the next year I have struggled to balance school, work , and my illness, all while being urged to reduce my stress levels.

This past December I marched at commencement only to have done poorly in one class. Right now my GPA stands at a 1.99 and I need a 2.0 in order to finally close this chapter of my life and move on to other things.

Is there any way you would be able to grant me this grade change? I would be willing to complete any extra credit assignment that you can think up. If you can or cannot help, please reply and let me know...I would greatly appreciate it.

Highest Regards,
Diabetis Dave

The response I’ve drafted but have yet to send:

Dear Student,

I’ve tried to think of the most amusing way to deny your request, but you’ve given me so much to work with. Where to begin? Do I point out the inanity of asking for a grade change a year after the fact? Do I actually give you an extra credit assignment and let you complete it, knowing that even if I wanted to change your grade at this point I couldn’t? You see, you imply that you’ve graduated already (or at least “marched”), and I no longer teach at the college anyway. (How did you find me?)

But that’s too easy. I’d say no on the grounds that you faked a campus gunman incident, but that’s so obvious. Perhaps the abundance of typographical, spelling, and grammatical errors, which indicate that you probably shouldn’t have graduated from high school, are sufficient reasons not to boost your grade in a college class?

No, I’m being unfair. This is, as you mentioned, the only class you did poorly in. That you “marched” with a 1.99 GPA is certainly proof that you excelled in the bulk of your studies. And let’s not forget your unfortunate diagnosis of “diabetis.” I’d generally expect that someone diagnosed with such a serious disease, the same one that took a member of my family a few years ago, would know how to spell it, but let’s not get lost in minute details here.

No, I think the most enjoyable way to decline your tempting request is point out the flaws in the pathetically humorous logic that a .01 bump in your GPA will make all of your problems go away. No, my friend, a 2.00 GPA will not save you.

Best of luck,
Bemused Bart