Friday, February 29, 2008

"Uh, So, Can I Rewrite This Or What?"

As I told you all in class, please don't question my grading--I have a graduate degree, you are fucking useless. I use a rubric that a goddamned hamster could make a fucking A on. You have access to said rubric via the course website--provided you knew how to do anything other than play on the Facefuck. Furthermore, I'm grading now just as I did in the Fall. You should be used to this level of rigor--it's really more like rigor mortis of the fucking brain.

If you elect to share your grade with someone, that's your business. If someone elects to share his or her grade with you, that, too, is your business. However, DO NOT call my teaching ethics into question by hinting at, implying, insinuating, or otherwise suggesting that I sway grades to those students that I "like." If by "liking" any particular student, you mean I talk with that individual during, before, or after class, then I "like" a lot of folks--especially your mom. On a personal level, I do "like" a lot of students, especially the ones that work hard, come to class, and don't play on the myface during class. I like the students who understand that "time" doesn't equal "effort," which is to say that just because one spent "all week" on an assignment doesn't mean one has spent quality time working on that essay (by this I mean coming to see me, going to the Writing Center, etc.).

Staring blankly at a computer screen (or surfing the web) does not amount to effort in terms of writing--you need help 25/8/366, bitches. I am particularly intrigued by the fact that those people who met with me outside of class scored, on average, about 15 points higher than those of you who elected to go it alone. Do remember, too, that I took time out of my schedule, away from my family and my own writing, to meet with folks on two different nights at local off-campus venues. I sat alone much of both evenings--but then again, you dumb-fucks are sitting alone right now with a thumb up your asses because you can't fucking string two coherent thoughts together, can you?

Not a single person who scored low on the essay did so because of me--you did so because you're a lazy piece of shit. I have already talked to several of you--and I became dumber in the process--, and each person has indicated that he/she did not spend as much time on the essay as he/she should have--you, lazy fucking prick.

To paraphrase the old office adage: Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. We might go one step further and say, perhaps, that poor planning on your part does not mean I show favoritism. Are we clear, dipshit?