One of Our Chief Correspondents Sets the Sarcasm on Stun.

Wait a minute, what’s that you said? You don’t think that you deserve a D on your paper? Oh my god. This sounds serious. In all my time teaching, I have never had a student complain about a low grade before. You’d better tell me exactly where I went wrong grading this, so I don’t make the same mistake again!

What? You put a lot of “time and effort” into this? I had no idea! That changes everything! I mean, I know you wouldn’t be lying to me just to get a better grade. Not only that, but I’m pretty sure that I wrote on the syllabus that I would be grading on effort, since grading on intangible ideals is always a good idea. No, it’s not on the syllabus? Looks like I screwed that thing up too! How stupid of me!

Oh, and you didn’t think the page length was “really strict or anything”? You “saw it more as a guideline” than a rule? I see!! I don’t know why I let the fact that half the paper is missing get in my way! I’m an idiot!

What’s that now? You thought that the fact that you told me that you had “relationship issues” over Thanksgiving break would make me “go a little easier” on your paper? OMG! I totally didn’t adjust your grade for your relationship issues! I just assumed that your personal business had no bearing on your work for this class. When will I learn!!

Man, the next thing you’re going to tell me is that you have some kind of scholarship riding on your grade in this class…WHAT? You DO??? Holy shit! I cannot believe I ignored this! To think, you almost had to drop out of school because of me.

Another Semester Teaches Us How to Further Idiot-Proof Our Syllabi.

Attention Snowflakes:

1. You are not as fascinating and intelligent as your mother tells you. Academic papers are not based on opinion. I don’t care what you think about behavioral analysis or psychological theories, what I care about are your ability to understand what those wiser and more experienced than yourself think. This is why I do not want to see the words “I think” or “I believe” leaving your keyboard. You can barely dress yourself and stay awake in class, much less have a coherent thought.


2. An online class is just that, a class that happens to be online. Tests are still tests. No you cannot discuss the questions in the forums; no you cannot email me and ask me if the answer you want to choose is right. It is to test your knowledge, not mine. I already know the answer; this is why I am teaching the class.


3. You cannot turn in assignments repeatedly after making revisions until you get the score you want. If I am feeling giving I will allow you to make some changes if I think you will learn something from this interaction. Otherwise you get the grade for the work you put in. This is why you don’t wait until 10 minutes before it is due to finish the assignment.


4. No late assignments means just that, NO LATE ASSIGNMENTS. I don’t care that your house flooded after the kitchen started on fire when you received a phone call that your second cousin removed was admitted to the hospital and you spent the whole week there, which is why you weren’t at home to put out the fire that killed your dog. Yes I know that you are SO concerned about your grade and that you have NEVER done this before and it will simply ruin your GPA. No I don’t believe you. As the syllabus says, no late assignments. Deal with it.


5. Plagiarism is plagiarism. Threatening to tell my boss doesn’t make you any less academically dishonest, it just makes you a blackmailing asshole. Do you think I am going to give a break to a blackmailing asshole? Why don’t you take the time you are putting into an attempt to bully me into not reporting you and actually research your paper and write it correctly. You will get a lot more out of the experience.

POW! Nothing Baffles The Student Mind Quite Like: "Everything's On the Final!" [Post of the Week.]

Dear students,

I guess I wasn't sufficiently clear in class when I told you, about ten times over three weeks, that EVERYTHING is on the final exam. Everything. All lectures and all assigned readings.

To be fair, I'm guessing that the dozens of you writing me emails to ask the same question had trouble dressing yourselves and heading out to find the classroom where I repeatedly let you know, in simple terms, that everything is on the final exam.

But what in the hell are you hoping to hear from me?! That those textbooks I had you buy and read aren't really important, so don't worry about being asked about them? That my lectures are really just an exercise in blowing smoke up your asses, so ignore everything I said? Or that you should dedicate 45% of your time to the readings, and the balance to the lectures (as though I do the math on this sort of thing, and as though you are sufficiently organized and intelligent to allocate your "copious" study time accordingly?!).

And where, out of curiosity, did you all suddenly obtain a vocabulary that includes words like "cumulative" and "comprehensive"? I read your essays. Half of you misspelled my name. Some of you misspelled your own. The concept of a paragraph seems to have escaped you. Many, many of you would be challenged by the prospect of writing a "Dick and Jane" book that wasn't in the form of a bastardized text message (C Dk run, C Jn ROFL...). I hope you appreciated the brevity of "F," BTW (LOL). Why is it that you only pay attention to complex ideas when it involves minimizing your work?

Here's the deal. Know the shit I taught you. Read the material. Stop trying to second guess what's on the fucking examination and apply your pea-sized brains to learning what you ignored all term. I swear I could give you all the questions in advance, and that a third of you would find a way to fail anyway.

Stop being so strategic about your "education" - those of you who do so excessively are among the stupidest of your cohort anyway. The good and intelligent students have been working hard all term to understand the ideas and content, and will work equally hard to walk into the final exam with a decent knowledge of the material. They don't care about "what's on the exam," because they are too busy making sure they understand everything we've read and discussed. And I don't actually need to ask questions from every section of the course to sort out the students who take this approach from those who do not. Deal with it.

I can't think of much worthwhile in life that comes from trying to find loopholes in the fine print or through focusing on ways to do the least amount of work possible. So, dear students, just study your texts and lecture notes (I understand this will be a problem if you have none, LMFAO...). Or don't. It doesn't much matter to me. And leave me the fuck alone if the only contact I'll have with you all term is to find out what is, or is not on the final exam. Everything is.

Sincerely,

Your professor.

P.S.: I guess I could tell you that the final in no way involves Chapter 22, or that funny anecdote I used to illustrate an idea in week 3. But honestly, I know it wouldn't help you one fucking bit.

My Shredder. My Friend.

We all receive excellent open-ended comments from students on evaluations that help us with our teaching. Here are a few of mine:

• “talks to only one side of the room”
• “penalized me for a late paper….such a bastard”
• “the book sucks, the teaqchehr sucks, such a waste of time”
• “the tests are to hard”
• “the classroom is too warm…not enough a/c”
• “the classroom is too cold…not enough heat”
• “will not discuss problems with us during the 10 minute class break”[professor comment here: during a 3 hr class, I do have to go to the bathroom sometime!!]
• “I already know this material but the university makes me take this course”
• “the prof missed one class this semester and I really needed a lecture that day”

Yes, folks, these are the kind of helpful comments from students to improve your teaching that do end up on the dean’s desk. I even had one dean state on my report that I should utilize some of my student’s comments. And this particular evaluation contained some of the silliest and asinine comments to date! Thank God, I do not work in that pitiful department anymore! But, the dean never hears those students who come up to me, face-to-face, to say:

• “thanks for your patience”
• “that was a tough test, but a fair test”
• “you are always so good to us”
• “ I have a friend who wants to take this course from you. What sections will you be teaching next semester?”

I always have the shredder plugged in upon receiving my evaluations. They make wonderful litter for pets.