I thought I might send these to Letterman, but then I found out he was already banging all the good interns.
Top 10 changes we’d see if the US was like a university:
10. Spring daylight savings time starts at 3 pm on a Thursday, causing the clock to pass over one office hour.
9. Bosses don’t evaluate employees based on day to day productivity but instead use three, 1-hour long, multiple choice exams.
8. Citizenship is awarded to those immigrants with a minimum 1200 SAT (17 ACT) score and a personal essay.
7. The President’s State of the Union address lasts 50 minutes and everybody starts getting up to leave after 47 minutes.
6. Half of all workers get permanent jobs after six years while all other positions are filled by four-month temps.
5. Gender and Womyn’s Studies is interesting to everybody, not just frustrated lesbians and guys who don’t realize that all the chicks in the class are frustrated lesbians.
4. Important landmarks and buildings are named after rich people, not important people.
3. National research centers like Oak Ridge, Los Alamos, and Kennedy Space Center are known more for their kickass football teams.
2. The President would be a former academic who speaks well but doesn’t relate to ordinary citizens. His agenda becomes mired in drawn out committee meetings and debate. Oh, wait...
1. Nobody gives a shit about how they dress.