I think I speak for all faculty recently promoted to associate professorship when I say that we appreciate all of our colleagues’ support. We could not have done it without you, if for no other reason than we’d spend all our time doing more worthless committee work. In the past few days, I’ve realized there are many benefits to becoming an associate professor besides a change in title and the enormous raise (ahem, well, anyway...), such as:
10. never again have to explain to non-academic friends that an assistant professor is nobody’s “assistant”
9. convert promotion dossier into bestselling autobiography
8. stop pretending to be so nice to coworkers
7. become a Platinum-Level photocopier user, in which I get free airfare for every 20,000 copies I make
6. drive with confidence knowing that cops never ticket associate profs
5. give an Academy Award-type speech (I’d like to thank my fourth grade teacher for helping me learn long division...)
4. feel that we need to start raising the requirements for promoting assistant professors
3. marvel at my old schoolmates’ reaction, “You got promoted?!”
2. don’t feel constrained to make all lists contain 10 items
Oh, heck. Who am I kidding?
1. begin resting on my laurels
