But How Do We Know We're Any Good If We're Not Needed?

Needy Nana is driving me CRAZY. She's an older, non-traditional student, and she's dumb as a post. She thinks if she stays after class every day and tells me that she's really enthusiastic about the class, that what we're covering is "deep" and "REALLY interesting," that will somehow improve her abysmal grade. She also continually says, "Now, I just want you to know I'm not going to drop the class ..." while in my head I'm screaming, "DROP IT! DROP IT!"

She comes by my office hours three times a week. She calls my dean if I don't get back to her instantly on weekend nights. (Sorry, busy having sex with my lawful spouse.) She constantly asks if she can EXPLAIN her papers before she turns them in -- because she has yet to turn in a single one that conforms to the assignment. And she has this look of vacant puzzlement more appropriate to a 17-year-old bimbo than a woman in her 60s when I lecture. Every time she talks to me I'm MOMENTS from strangling her.

"Douchebag" Wasn't Strong Enough for A Moniker.

Pontificating Paolo was a smart undergraduate. Almost as smart as he thought he was. He thought it'd be a good idea to approach me after class to offer me some teaching tips - you know, "one instructor to another."

Apparently, teaching some continuing-ed "how to use a computer" courses meant he was an expert on teaching statistical analysis. He was the kind of guy who would say things like "when is this class going to get difficult?" during class. And when I had the nerve to give him a C? He decided that was a "wretched instructor" who "should be required to retake the introduction to teaching course."

He went on in his senior year to be an undergraduate TA in statistics. His review sessions (I'm sorry - "recitations") were so dense, self-congratulatory, condescending to and contemptuous of the students in the class that most of his course evaluations consisted of the students calling him a "fucking douchebag." For once, the undergrads were right.

Chart-Making Charles from Chestertown Challenges Us.

Each semester I teach a large section of BIOL 1101, our college's intro course. I separate the class into 3-5 sections, based on the number of TAs I have. We do a standard placement test (designed by me and my colleagues) and distribute students evenly through the lab and discussion sections.

This past semester I had 4 TAs, all good kids who I've had in class before: Ann, Bob, Carl, and Dee. I meet with them extensively before the semester, but they have "lord's rule" over the grading and progress of their sections during the semester.

After a mandatory seminar we took on grade inflation last year, I got it in my head to plot the students' grades along with the standard TA evaluations we do each semester. Both are (happily) on a 4 point scale.

I've just now finished this chart in Excel, but couldn't figure out the export program. So I've displayed the data as near as I can in MS Paint. It looks awful, but the trend is clear.

Those TAs who had the highest student evaluations also gave the highest grades. It is definitely not statistically significant - my brethern would string me up - but I think it reveals a real truth about something.

The blue line shows the average grade earned, the red line shows the evaluation average for the TA, and the black line is the average final exam score for students in that section...the black line is a number I give. That it's so straight across suggests to me that our placement test did a good job sorting students fairly evenly, and that my TAs rise and fall in their evaluations based on the grades they give.

Tell me I'm wrong.

A Reader Gets Thirsty Three Days Early. Who Do You Hate Most?

We all have them. At least one student who, if physical violence were an acceptable norm, we would have beaten to death for their idiocy and rudeness. Or who we would have felt glee at verbally humiliating in public, if we could keep our jobs afterward. Or the student who was such an utter, unfathomable disappointment that he or she is indelibly etched into our psyche.

For me, it's Lawanda, a plagiarist. She failed the course I was teaching because she lifted about 75% of her paper from uncited Internet sources without so much as a single quotation mark, let alone even a half-baked reference to the original document. She admitted she had earned a D in a different class after plagiarizing, and she needed my course to compensate for it in order to become a language arts teacher. When confronted, she seemed confused that I wouldn't allow her to re-do the paper correctly. She seemed incapable of comprehending that she was supposed to get it right the first time. She failed to grasp that she had 2 books that gave step-by-step instruction on how to write papers. She missed the point of entire class lessons designed to aid her in NOT plagiarizing. She just didn't get it.

This story is common, right? Why would she be one of my most-hated students? It was her response after she failed. She protested the grade. She got some campus rube in administration to advocate on her behalf. She had already been found guilty by the Dean of Students, but this other dumbfuck in Student Services was actively helping her get credit when she failed the course by not being able to perform one of the most basic course objectives OF the course (which was to teach research and writing skills).

I hate her because the nonsense she and the school put me through. She couldn't be bothered to learn one of the very lessons that SHE HERSELF would need to be teaching her own students. And I think the dumb bitch probably got her degree and will soon be teaching some lost little souls in some elementary school somewhere. But I know she's completely incompetent. And so do the schools that she was attending.

I truly do have a list of students that I still hate, and I admit I don't feel entirely comfortable hating this particular student, mostly because normally I'd just feel sorry for her. But she gamed the system and I was the one who suffered for it. My teaching ability was called into question. No office took a stand on my behalf. And she got credit for a course without even learning one damn thing. And I hate her for that. (I hate the school too, but that a story for another time.)

Q: Who's the student you hate most?

A: Send replies here.

Wherein Someone's Lost.

It's a beautiful September day, sunny and low 70s. A woman shows up at my office door, clad head to foot in fleece, beads of sweat on her forehead and, of course, with a question. As if my own students are not odd enough.

Her question is buried under tons of ramble (which is like rubble, but made of useless words). It goes something like this: "I'm supposed to be in Real Estate Law with Mr. Instructor's Fullname but they changed the room they say it's 110 but I just went there and the janitor told me there was no one there I've been just about everywhere and I can't find it I'm supposed to be in that class and to top it off I got in a car accident yesterday guy hit me it's not too bad I pissed up the seat pretty good but that's going to be okay the car's at the dealer being fixed so I've got to find this room I'm supposed to be in class with Mr. Instructor's Fullname and I can't find the room I've been to 110."

I say, "Let me check." And I call the switchboard for room information. I find out that it's in room 110, but not for another hour. So I tell her she’s got the right room, but she’s nearly an hour early.

“Oh,” she says. “Is there a place I could sit down then?”

Seems a logical request to me. “Sure,” I say. I direct her to the cafeteria down the hall and suggest she relax before class. I wisely say nothing about her perhaps slipping out of her personal sauna.

“Now tell me,” she says, “why am I sitting there relaxing while I’m supposed to be in class in room 110 with Mr. Instructor’s Fullname?”

“It doesn’t start for another hour,” I remind her, wondering, of course, how on Earth she will navigate through real estate law when the concept of time eludes her.

“Oh,” she says, with some lack of conviction, thanks me, and toddles off.

I close and lock my office door.

Nobody Can Suffer Poor Charlie.

• In response to Chicago Charlie: good God, grow a pair. You've got 40 years till you retire? So you're, what, 25, and you've already consigned yourself to forty years of hating yourself, your job, your students, and your life? Gee, THAT'll show those slacker students, won't it! Do yourself and everyone you know a favour, and quit now. Get a job in construction; if you start now as a day labourer, you'll be a general contractor by the time you're 35 with a little application. You'll make more money, work in the great outdoors, be in better shape, enjoy life more, and you won't put your family and friends through hell with your constant whining.Leave academe for those of us, poor benighted souls all I grant you, who actually like it. I bet you my students are as dead-eyed as yours. I teach to the two or three that can actually stay awake. It makes my life a lot more fun to concentrate on the ones that respond. But if you can't do that, stop now. You've already put in too much time to get any other job? Honey, you haven't STARTED to waste your life yet. Get out before you do.
  


• Resign. Quit. Find something else to do with your life. With 40 years to go until retirement, you're still young enough. Seriously: you are a danger to those rare bright-eyed students who every now and then do find themselves in your class. You've become so dead, you're no longer capable of recognizing them. I know: I had professors like this, and they did me great harm. I might not have seemed promising when I was an undergraduate, particularly not since I was entering a field that still is among the most competitive in academia (astrophysics), but I prevailed. It sure wasn't easy. I can't help but wonder how much further I might have gotten if I'd had someone other than that old deadwood who clearly didn't give a fig about me, our field, or anything else, even themselves.
  


• Charlie's a baby. I see it often in my colleagues, this all or nothing bullshit. Charlie's had a bad class is all. His romantic notion about being a proffie has blown up in his face because it's not as easy and wonderful as he imagined. Classic response of a snowflake who finds out he has to teach comp. Comp is not easy. Comp is the anti-fun class in many ways. I taught it as a younger man, and students have hated comp forever. Welcome to the NFL, Charlie. I'd like to work up some sorrow on his behalf, but his posing is annoying. All his hard work was for naught? Cracks me up. It is awfully dramatic, however, especially that killing line, "Nothing. Numbness." Couldn't you guys have just turned that into a haiku? Charlie, have a Tums, honey, and take a nap.

Tara Thinks a Little Compassion Is a Reasonable Response.

I am an occasional RYS reader who has never held a college-level teaching position. However, the recent string of posts about funerals and missing exams struck a nerve for me and I felt compelled to write.

I can't tell you how grateful I am, in light of these posts, that my grandparents held on until after I graduated from college! I was partly raised by one set of grandparents, in addition to my parents. One of these grandparents died after a very prolonged period of illness and disability while I was in my first post-college job, and the other died suddenly and unexpectedly a month before my final exams of my first year in professional school.

Both experiences were marked by my dissolving into undignified tears in the relevant administrative office while asking for time off, and then going home for several days of culturally-prescribed rituals and trying to help my parents and siblings hold themselves together. I believe neither funeral had a printed program (our religion forbids taking items associated with a funeral back to one's home, so I don't see why we would have had them) and byzantine family politics precluded naming the grandchildren in the obituaries.

The most recent death, the one while I was in professional school, hit me particularly hard and I returned to school strongly resembling one of the Sophies (albeit excluded from a diagnosis of depression by having actually experienced a recent loss) for the remainder of the academic year.

Fortunately, my current program is small, centralized, and compassionate enough that, rather than going 10 rounds with each professor, one meeting and a couple of e-mails with one dean were enough to arrange both my absences from class and rescheduling exams so that my intense but temporary distraction wouldn't force me to repeat the entire year at great financial and career-path costs. No documentation required. (Although perhaps my bursting into tears and psychomotor retardation were convincing enough in themselves.)

I realize that college instructors have to contend with plenty of fishy excuses, especially at the undergraduate level where there are some particularly young and immature students in the mix, and I don't envy you the task. But if I had gone through my grandparents' deaths in college and had to deal with intense suspicion and no slack from my professors on top of everything else, I probably would have said, "Screw it all," stayed in bed until the year ended and someone kicked me out of the dorms, and had a much bumpier road to "resolving my grief," as the bereavement literature puts it.

No, it's not up to you as professors to be the guardians of your students' mental health or to care about their lives to any great level of detail, but I hope that you as human beings don't find it completely impossible to show a little compassion toward those students who are genuinely suffering.

Tara from Tampa

A Recover(ing/ed) Mourner

"Couldn't It Be More Fun?" Rika from Rochester and a Call to Action.

You want to prove academic culture is bereft of reason, populated with eunuchs, and eager and greasy for a cleaning, well, you're not aiming very high. You can't swing a cat around without knocking over 14 insane, persecuted, alarmed, china-doll proffies who can't wait to get on the Crampichle forums to talk about how unappreciated they are, and how hard it is to be them. Fuck that. This page is starting to be run by those eggheads, those layabouts. Get back in charge. I always liked it best when you took a few swings at students, but then twirled around with a roundabout boot to the solar plexus of the "colleagues" who ruin the damn campus. Get 'em all, is what I'm saying. Take 'em all down. Don't let the bullshit seep into the pages, these polite and suddenly happy pages.

-

from WW#5

~-~

I'm not one of the toadies who love Wicked Walter unconditionally. He's like that boor who won't leave a party till the bitter end, drunk and swaying in the middle of my back yard, screaming about a government conspiracy or how his neighbor watches HIS EVERY MOVE!

As you said in your Big Thirsty post, he's a cartoon, and I hope he's only exercising / exorcising his "wit" in his posts and not in real life. But occasionally he gets it right, like in the quote I start this post with.

This profession needs some pricking, and this site has often provided it. So many of my colleagues are nervous, insecure, and so ready to be a martyr to anyone they can find - the dean, that student, or even me, their mentor. There is a lack of backbone among the folks I work with, and there's something to be said for Wicked Walter-ing up every now and then and not letting the profession kill our spirits. And the students. There are a million ways to show the foolishness of our dear students. Please let us continue those threads. They always make me feel better about rushing to my 8 am class - to be the only one on time!

And this page used to provide all of this fun pretty regularly. But that's been changing. Like Walter says above, it seems the wrong people are now in charge. There's too much "feel good" stuff. Too much bullshit that would better be sent straight to the goons at the Chronicle. Why does THIS place have to be another "academic forum"?

Couldn't it be more fun? Couldn't it be a little naughty? I heard someone I work with, a complete square, a complete Dean-wannabe talking about RYS. I wanted to die. I thought it was like a secret society. I thought you had to be one of the cool kids to get in. I liked that about it.

I didn't want to hang with Walter, but I was glad I knew where he was.

Bring back the old days. Make it more fun again. Don't professionalize the one academic franchise that I loved unconditionally. Let your hair down. Fire up the blender, boys. We need you - paraphrasing from my favorite philosopher (Bridget Jones) - just as you were.

Happy Saturday from Chicago Charlie.

I have no fear. That's right. I am fearless. And I'll tell you why. I hate teaching, academia, and everything about it, but I've invested too much time in too specialized a field to be able to make a living any other way.

You say that most of all we are afraid of our students, and this just made me bury my head in my hands and cry. Why? My students? They're nothing to me. I don't fear them, don't like them, nothing. Total numbness. I don't even bother with their names. I prepare for class on the train and grade papers on the ride home. I have no pride left in my work or in me, much less in watching my students improve.

And that's what depresses me. I got into this business because of the students. Because I love literature and wanted to teach it to students. But then I got put into a freshman English course with no experience, no guidance, no recommended textbook and twenty-five dead-eyed, cheating, lying, lazy, deceitful miserable students, and really, before I even experienced it, the joy of teaching was gone, and all my hard work was for naught, and I have never recovered.

So, I have no fear anymore; I just don't care. Not about teaching, not about publishing, not about the juvenile shenanigans that count as academia. Nothing. Numbness. And the worst part is, I still have forty more years until I can retire.

Biology Bart Bites Back, And Decides to Aim His Affrontage at Poor Lit Proffies. (Like They Don't Have Enough Trouble Already.)

To begin with, I was exaggerating a bit for effect – comic effect, get it? Push that hard knot of humorless, sociopathic rage that you have clogging your gullet down a little bit and you might find some room to laugh!

Of course I know how to feed urchins, but generally animals that have just been caught in the wild won’t eat. The usual drill is to use urchins within a few days and then humanely euthanize them – they never eat. Insofar as some of you consider this “torture,” all I can say is drop your fucking PETA bullshit. To equate legitimate animal-based laboratory research with torture is not only fearfully ignorant, but it does a great disservice to those human beings who have undergone actual torture in the name “homeland security” or some other, equally idiotic, ideology. If you still have problems, move to Vermont and lactate into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, for chrissake.

If you don’t like noisome odors occasionally interrupting your riveting lectures on imagery in “Finnegan’s Wake,” I’d suggest you move out of a science building. I’m sure you can prepare your little darlings in your oh-so-easy-on-the-GPA English lit. class so much better than I for the competitive, high-tech marketplace in which they must find jobs after graduation. Repeat after me, in your best Joycean brogue: “You want fries with that?”

Abby the Adjunct Meets An Administrator!

I was informed by one of the tenured higher-ups here the other day that my students were lost.

"No kidding," I laughed along. A little good-natured student ribbing. All in good fun.

He did not laugh.

"No, really. They're lost. They keep looking for you, and bothering dear little old Secretary Sally in the office up here. Why don't they know where your office is?"

"Uh, I don't have an office," I said.

"Well, whatever. Why are they looking for you? Didn't you tell them where you would be?"

"Yes. I told them repeatedly. I told them I would be in the public lounge downstairs. You know, by the vending machines? Of course, I couldn't specify a specific chair or anything--not having one and all..."

"Well, do your students have your email?"

"Of course."

"Do they have your cell number?"

"Uh, no."

"Why not?"

"That's my private phone line. I don't give it out."

"You need to give them your cell number so they don't bother anyone else."

Listen, Asshole. I don't even give my cell number to most of my friends. I'm not about to give these 18-year-old brats more information about how to contact me. Maybe if your hoity-toity little college here could toss a few coins at its adjuncts for some basic teaching necessities--say, I don't know, a room, a desk, a phone line, A SALARY--my students wouldn't be wandering around bothering Grandma over there in administration (like she had something more pressing to do?).

But you know what? They probably would. Because despite the astronomical cost of this college, your admissions standards are incredibly low. And your students are--well, they're idiots. So I could draw them a fucking map, put on a play (with hand puppets!), and tattoo my location on their hands, and they would still wander dazedly in and out of rooms looking for someone with a clue. Not my fault. And precisely why they're not getting my number. I don't need calls at 2 AM asking me if I could please explain what I meant by "Read pages 18-72."

So until you get a clue and realize that adjuncts are not going to take the few, sacred moments left in their personal life and allow you to walk all over them for your measly $2500 a class, I guess you and Granny over there are just going to have to deal with a few wandering students.

They'll match the wandering instructors, and you seem to be ignoring them without a problem.

What Else? "The Sucker."

I teach a night class. In doing so, I recognize that occasionally I have a student who is either (a) extremely weary because they’ve been up all day (poor things…) or (b) are coming to class and will then be up all night, so class is the last chance to nap without getting docked by their supervisor. What happened two nights ago, however, has presented me with a puzzle…I had a student fall asleep…in class…while sucking her thumb. I’m serious.

First the student pulled her arm inside her shirt because, I assume, she was cold. Then she pulled in the other arm. Then she stuck one hand up through the neckline (can you picture this – it was really rather Houdini-like) and, yes, put her thumb into her mouth. Then she stuck her other hand through the neckline and started to twirl her braids. Then, her eyes glazed over and she drifted off to sleep.

My basic policy is to not wake sleepers unless they (a) snore or (b) exude an unpleasant odor. In both of these cases, the rest of the class usually either laughs or makes their displeasure loudly known and the person is awakened. In this case, however, the class remained silent. I thought about waking her, but I was afraid that if she was startled, she would have flung out her arms, popping her shirt completely from her body, revealing her rather large … get my point?

She did finally wake up, return her arms to the normal position, and stumble from the classroom to, I guess, go to the restroom. My dilemma has been whether or not to talk to her. Do I talk to her about (a) sleeping, (b) crawling into her shirt, or (c) thumb sucking – which she does from time to time even when awake? Maybe none of the above? I’m a bit troubled by all this – I really hate to be interrupting her quiet time with my insistence that she learn something.

Last Night's Results.

An Open Letter From RYS, Big Thirsty Style.

Wicked Walter appeared earlier today on these pages, his 5th visit since the site began more than 2 1/2 years ago. We've had almost 1600 posts, but his 5 lively and mostly-coherent "lessons" are among the most popular and most discussed.

We don't know him, but have read a good deal of his prose over the months, and we love him. The readership of RYS, for the most part, loves him as well. We can be sure that the mail for his posts will explode, sometimes bringing in many multiples more than responses we get for other posts. (Big Thirsty generally brings in the most otherwise.)

We think of him as a bit of a cartoon, a hyperbolic professor living life on the very edge of reason, speaking "truth" as much as he can. What most of our readers like about him is his bravery. Most fan letters that come in for home talk about his courage for telling it like it is, his keen eye for the bullshit that clouds the profession, and a raw admiration for his ability to mow down the punks who stand in his way.

Whether or not Walter does this in his real world skin or not, we'll probably never know. But as we've read tens of thousands of posts now over this time, we see time and time again that one malady haunts so many of us in the academy: fear.

Folks write to us about the fear they have about their careers, their colleagues, their students, tenure, scholarship, simple fear that they've made a mistake in their path, and fear that what they have now is as good as it's ever going to get.

Careerwise, folks are petrified. Those who are on the market fear they'll never find the job of their dreams they were sold by well-intentioned advisers. Those who are in t-t jobs fear that they've settled in a place where they are not accepted. Those who've scaled the mountaintop of tenure fear they've aimed too low, fear that their work means little.

People tell us they live in a community of scholars and administrators who they don't like very much, who they distrust, who they imagine are skulking about outside office doors scheming against them.

Students generate the most fear. Fear that we won't be liked or respected or both. Fear that they won't stand on their desks Dead Poets Society-style when we leave. Fear that drives many of our writers - and you know it's true - to inflate grades, bake cookies, extend deadlines, and sometimes play the clown.

The site is littered with fearful tales from the front.

We don't know what to say about it except to keep posting the most impassioned of those missives that arrive here. The anonymity of RYS, we feel, has freed many folks up to say it like they mean it, say things in public that they never could or would in their real lives.

And of course Walter does that for many of the RYS readers. The outpouring for him feels genuine and real, and he's often taken by writers as a sort of hero, a role model, someone we wish we could be like if we just were a little more brave.

Of course, as we said, Walter may not even be Walter. Perhaps he's a nebbish in a lab coat who suffers the same angst, ennui, and heartache a lot of us feel. Perhaps he's hiding in his office right now, just like some of you.

But, to paraphrase the philosopher Cameron Crowe, we love him for the man he wants to be, for the man he almost is. The moderators at RYS include tenured and non-tenured folks, and so we battle sometimes about bravery. Should we stand up to the administration. Should we take a hard line against academic cheating and slumping performance when everything around us suggests it's easier to let it slide. We don't have the answers, but we, too, want to be like Walter.

We want to go home from work feeling good about the world. We want to cry "BULLSHIT" when it leaks into our worlds. We want to tell our colleagues that they need to stand up and not sit down. We want to tell our students that their 12 years of happy smiles, blue ribbons, and trophies for somehow not shitting on themselves during home room is not enough for our class.

We want to be like Walter.

Q: What do you want?

A: Send replies here.

Marion from Minot With Some Old School Smackdown.

Okay, I may regret this later, but I can't take another moment to think it through. My idiotic class has somehow gathered en masse to rate me on the other site that shall not be named. Fuck them. That's what I say. I've had NO ratings on there ever until this week, and it all stems from me reading the riot act to my class which had been misbehaving, shirking the workload, and making 9:00-10:20 AM Tues and Thurs a living hell.

So, darlings, try this on for size:

• Umberto: You're a complete waste of plasma.


• Hyppolita: Just looking at you starts to drain my brain cells.


• Phyllum: You've only got one good strategy, saying whatever your buddy Weaver says.


• Weaver: You're a four star dunce.


• Cracker: I can smell the bull shit on your boots from 40 yards away.


• Tonioni: You're a dirty bitch who smiles with one side of your face and sneers with the other.


• Rapunzel: Ooooh, yes, you were a valedictorian at Shitballs High. Who cares? You have that vacant stare and then look #2, the "smile" that you must think makes me think you like me. Well, no, you're just a little phony, and I'm going to punish you with grades for as long as you're able to stay in the class.


• Samson: I'd like to challenge you to a battle of Rock'm Sock'm Robots, and pop your block head right off.


• Serena: That boyfriend of yours loves you for your car, honey, not your weave.


• Kiki: We don't take smoke breaks in college.


• Gerald: I don't need any advice from a 19 year old. And if I wanted advice from a dunce, well, I'd be a dunce, too.


• Teo: If you could turn your FUCKING IPOD down, you might be able to hear the assignment the FIRST time I gave it.


• Odoratum: I want to shrink your balls to the size of your brain, then we'd see how much of a bully you'd be.


• Rex: I think chewing with your mouth open might be your only skill. Keep it up.


• Warren: I don't give two shits how Mrs. Grandy treated you in Senior English. She apparently was wowed by comma splices and split infinitives. Me? Not so much.


• Gallup: Yep, I can see that you're in a group of dunces. I don't know how I could reconfigure the class to make it work any other way.


• *Anita*: Yes, you're pretty. Pretty fucking stupid. Pretty fucking vacuous. Pretty fucking much a waste of space. Could you please, please, please, wear the red outfit again, the one where your ass hangs out? I think the fellas really go for that one. Or did you notice, you sweet-sixteen-wanna-be minx on a stick?

Felicia from Falmouth Offers Face Time for Her Fragile Flakes.

Dear Snowflakes:

Please understand that the ability to reach me, your instructor, via email is a courtesy extended to you on the part of the University. I am not required to check my uni email account fifty times per day just in case one of you lovely headcases feels the need to pour out your heart about why you were unable - UNABLE! - to complete an assignment.

I understand that the gods were against you and bent all their collective wills to the singular purpose of keeping you from doing your homework. But I might be a hair more sympathetic had you told me about the extenuating (and extraordinary) circumstances standing the way of your assignment completion if you had spoken to me about it two weeks ago, when you first realized the Universe's evil plan against you.

Did ya catch that one magical word? That special word was "spoken," implying oral communication. I know, I know, I'm a freakin' radical, but when I was an undergrad 10 years ago email was just starting its electric bloom. In those days, if I had a problem, I made an appointment and TALKED to my professor. I would stay after class to have a chat, or - horrors! - show up a little early if I needed some help with an assignment. But I certainly did not wait until the day before that assignment was due, and I certainly made damn sure that I got a response from the proffie so that we both knew that communication had transpired.

I also would not have expected my prof to be on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week, just in case I had a question. Sure, sure, I was a little asshole student sometimes too. I wasn't perfect. I did not always complete my work on time. But I did not assume that my instructors were just waiting by the phone to field my question-riddled phone calls. Nor should you expect that I will be glued to my computer screen awaiting your slippery excuses for incomplete assignments or desperate attempts to buy yourself a few more days.

Love always,
Face-to-Face Felicia

Belleville Bart is a Biological Bozo.

• All I have to say to Biology Bart is WTF?!?! You teach a course in biology in which you plan to use a live animal, but you don't have a clue as to how to feed or care for it? And you don't know the difference between the poisonous and nonpoisonous ones? And you make your coworkers pay for your lack of knowledge by having to smell the unbearable stench of dead and rotting sea urchins? You remind me of one of our biology professors who doesn't have a fucking clue how to care for animals either, leading our entire building to (at various times) stink like poultry waste and dead fish. It reeks so bad sometimes that I have pondered the possibility of an animal crawling into the ductwork and dying, my students have been distracted and sickened in class by the odor and I have taken pity upon the poor prospective students and their parents who walk through during a campus tour with the unmistakable look of disgust upon their faces! Here's a hint: Drop this activity from your syllabus until you learn how to care for the poor creatures you torture....the urchins, your students and your colleagues.



• So you planned a lab activity that had your students study creatures that you, the instructor, know nothing about? What do they eat? Are they poisonous? What sorts of conditions do they need in order to thrive? These would seem to be the sorts of questions asked by a student staring, scalpel in hand, at the spiny creature in his dissecting tray. The biggest problem here is not the screwed-up shipping schedule. I'm no biologist, but I would suggest it might be wise to limit yourself to "teaching" your students about creatures you actually know something about.



• As a lab coordinator, I occasionally get the odd request from a faculty member for a lab that is frequently ridiculous. When the faculty member is asked some details about their “vision” for the proposed experiment, I am almost always told something to the effect of “don’t trouble me with details: I’m an ideas person and I cannot waste my time with trivial details” like how the students will collect data, do we even have the chemicals to perform this lab, what about the already scheduled and prepared experiment for almost 1000 students? A professor has an idea: observe sea urchin. OK. Any particular behavior? Does this professor know much of anything about his lab topic? Not really, since small details like: some sea urchins can be POISONOUS seemed to escape his attention. A typical lack of real understanding masquerading as innovation: “Tuesday’s lab may be a complete fiasco, but at least we’ll have some urchins.” Wow! Your students will be so pleased and I’m sure this will be the highlight of their semester. Another lab experiment bites the dust and the professor in charge of his lab section will not be effectively communicating ANYTHING of value, but at least he can sleep better since it wasn’t his fault! Yeah, right!

#5.

Listen, I don't expect your little cyberpalace to run like I run my place here in Texas, but shitfire, boys, you've done run the thing right off the rails. I hate to have to write this because you fellas had such a good idea about a hundred years ago. You were going to tell it like it was or something, and kick the shit out of the dusty profession. But I think y'all are just part of the problem now.

I've got a busy hunting schedule that gets in the way of my labwork at the big Uni, but I do check in online sometimes from the Campground Cafe up at Yeller Holler State Park now and again, and I have to say, YOU FUCKERS HAVE LOST THE PLOT!

This site has gone down faster than an Otis 'vator covered in gooseshit.

I can't even begin to categorize the crazziness that has engulfed you poor dumb fucks.

This batshit Bio teacher is killing urchins at an alarming rate, right? But can't he just go to PetSmart, confess his sins, take adoption of one of those hairy damn cats as penance and shut up about it? You have to give him a stage to be a dumbass?

And then the pregnant gals? Oh, it feels good to be pregnant and we're breeding a new future, and all that, but don't they have the O channel or O magazine or O website to do all this? They get asked stupid questions by 18 year old kids? Yeah, well, what other kind of question does an 18 year old have? And you don't want your belly to get in the way of things, well don't put it one of those shirts that's got a giant cartoon stork on it then. And don't wheeze about how hard it is to go up the stairs, and about how the little spawn's going to be named Tristan or Christopher Hamlet or some other such thing. Keep your damned personal life to yourself and I guarantee you that your students won't dare ask you something personal like that. (Showing the sonogram to your 9 am class is not advised.)

Oh and the cookie bakers! Yes, we have those abominations here at my school as well. The Education and English departments are full of them, lazy, insecure, wallflowers who never got laid until they were 25, so desperate for attention and desperate to be liked. I'd fire every sallow faced one of them if I had the chance, and when I get to be Dean you're going to hear about it in the Crampicle of Higher Education. (There'll be a big photo of me eating a turkey leg and smearing my face on the former tenure policy here, that's for sure.) You know what, I'm not passing out trophies or ribbons or pastries here. I'm a goddamned college professor and you should get the huevos together to do the same. You reward them for doing what they're supposed to, and you lower the bar on the class, yourself, and the whole damned profession. How do you think your little sugared-up assholes are going to feel next semester when they turn up on time to my class and I don't throw them a little party?

As for the site itself, what's with the features? You have some 28 year old wundershit there who keeps coming up with them? I like Crime Beat. That's good. Run those fucking kiddie porn profs out on a rail. Murder, mayhem. You could do that all day and not even hit half of the faculty where I teach. But what's this coolest student thing? I swear to God I'm about ready to unleash some kind of pretend virus on your little pretend compound. Jane Wiedlin? Of the Go-Go's? Is that right? Julie Stiles? What about someone with hooters. Forget Dyan Cannon; she's my ma's age. Get me someone I'd like to drive out to the lake with and someone who can nestle my sweaty head.

You're not even trying. You want to prove academic culture is bereft of reason, populated with eunuchs, and eager and greasy for a cleaning, well, you're not aiming very high. You can't swing a cat around without knocking over 14 insane, persecuted, alarmed, china-doll proffies who can't wait to get on the Crampiche forums to talk about how unappreciated they are, and how hard it is to be them. Fuck that. This page is starting to be run by those eggheads, those layabouts. Get back in charge. I always liked it best when you took a few swings at students, but then twirled around with a roundabout boot to the solar plexus of the "colleagues" who ruin the damn campus. Get 'em all, is what I'm saying. Take 'em all down. Don't let the bullshit seep into the pages, these polite and suddenly happy pages.

I can't take it. If I wasn't so medicated from last night's Tecate and burrito fest, I'd be jumping right out of my skin. Y'all gave me someone's direct line one time, but I lost it. Give me those digits again because y'all need a pep talk to get things going again.

Oh, and ditch the ads, bring back the "freakout" pink graphics, and quit trying to MAKE SO MUCH FUCKING SENSE!

I'm outie,
WW

The Oeuvre: 1 2 3 4

We Let The Fans Speak. (Well, Just One Actually, But We Didn't Feel We Could Deny Her.) Coolest. College. Student. Ever. (The Final Edition.)

I'm sick of your coolest college student feature. You trampled on a great idea with your "Dropout Division." Don't you understand you're underwhelming me? Don't you see that it's important we CELEBRATE people who FINISHED college?

I'll send you a really cool college student. She's foxy, smart, did I mention foxy, well-adjusted, a decent person, and she went to school with my MOM! How frigging cool is that? I want to be her when I graduate. I'm at the same school in the SAME program. People here remember her and she's WORLD FAMOUS!

You better post this because if you don't you will lose my support! Think about what that means for a minute! Oh, and spell DePaul right...CAPITAL D *AND* CAPITAL P, SUCKAS!!!!

~-~

Gillian Anderson

DePaul U

BFA Theater

1990

...One More Thing. Sophie, cont.

Oh, Christ. I should have elaborated that for me "tough love" came in the form of a professor sitting down with me and saying: you are likely suffering from extreme depression. When it would get bad, I'd stare at the screen or just hold the pen over the notebook paper, and nothing would come.

Like Sophie, I could never concentrate. I did assigned reading and nothing would stick the way I needed it to. I hated that I never seemed to be able to shut my brain off, but when it came to actually doing the damn assignment, it was always late or, if I gave up and turned it in, I felt it was half finished. Never good enough. Never what I wanted. Grades that should have been A became C across the board. I did take the online evaluators and depression popped every time. I thought it was just who I was.

I ignored my professor for a long time because I didn't want to be "sick." I ignored that I came from an abusive background and my family's response to "I want to study Subject X and get my Ph.D," was an explosion, a verbal assault that I was stupid, not good enough, that I would never be as smart as they were, that I clearly didn't know how to critically think--what were they teaching me at that school? and that I was being brainwashed by That Professor Of Yours. I ignored my family's history of depression.

When I decided to seek help years later, an incident involving a student occurred on my campus in front of dozens of people, and though that student withdrew from the college before she could be expelled, she justified her behavior with mental illness. Those of us with depression returned to our shadows campus wide.

When I graduated, I stopped seeing a counselor and quit taking antidepressants. I'm starting as a post-bac soon. I am going back and getting help today.

Good luck to all the Sophies, and all the advisers who save us.

A Bag of Sea Urchins Drives Biology Bart from Belleville Batshit. (Don't Let This Guy Watch Your Fish.)

I teach Biology at a small college in the Midwest. For one of my lab classes, I wanted the students to study sea urchins – the spiny little critters you often find attached to rocks at the beach. Since the sea urchins are in the ocean, and we are far, far from the ocean, I ordered some off the internet. The lab was originally scheduled two weeks ago, when Hurricane Ike was churning its way through the Caribbean and trashing Cuba. The day before the lab, I get a call from the supplier – their collector, who lives in Key West, is being evacuated and can’t send the urchins as scheduled. He should be back in a few days and can send them next week – okay? Mmmmm, okay…I can deal with last-minute changes to my syllabus…I’ll just shuffle the lab schedule a little bit.

Fast-forward three days. I get a call from the department secretary, “Your sea urchins are here.” What! It’s too late for this week’s lab, but it’s FIVE days early for next week. I have to keep these little critters happy and healthy for five days – and I’m totally unprepared. Mmmmmm, okay…I can keep sea urchins alive for almost a week with no food…what do they eat, anyway? I examine my new charges; a few drooping spines and some dirty water, probably the result of some jostling during shipment, but they don’t look to be at death’s door. I put them in clean water in an aquarium and leave for the day. Next morning a couple have died – not unexpected given the stress of shipping – but I have more than a dozen left for next week. I change their water and scurry off to class. That afternoon I check back – they aren’t looking any better than when they arrived, but I’m trying to be optimistic. I change their water and go home. I’ll check again on Sunday.

Sunday morning I enter the lab – the smell hits me like Lake Erie on a hot summer day! They’re all dead, every single one! And the lab reeks like a particularly toxic swamp! NOW what do I do? Mmmmmm, okay – I can clean up mass sea urchin corpses – I can scrub the lab with bleach. Monday morning I’m getting dirty looks from everyone – the custodian who had to dispose of the smelly bag of rotting sea urchins, my colleagues whose hallway and offices still reek of the stench of death, and my students when I say we may not be able to do our lab as planned. Monday afternoon a reprieve! A local aquatics supplier has LIVE sea urchins – I’ll be right there! I jump in my car and drive an hour to get there. He has urchins, but they’re tiny – about the size of a quarter. Okay, I’ll make do, load ‘em up! “You DO know that some of these are poisonous, right?” he asks.

What! No, I didn’t – but probably not a good idea to take those. Don’t want to poison any students - at least not before they’ve turned in their evaluations! How many are left? Three, for a lab section with more than twice that many students. Fine, whatever, how much? $38.65 What! For three tiny urchins? Fine, whatever. Tuesday’s lab may be a complete fiasco, but at least we’ll have some urchins!

I hope I NEVER see a frickin’ sea urchin again! And if I do, I’m gonna pick it up off its rock and throw it back into the ocean. There, see how YOU like starting over from scratch!

Sisterhood of the Bulging Bellies.

I'm really grateful to Pam for sharing her story, because I'm now a pregnant proffie myself.

I'm not obviously showing yet (right now I still just look like I could be getting fat), but I still have 160+ hours at the front of a classroom over the next 5 months before the baby comes...and they'll start figuring it out pretty soon.

Reading about the comments from her students left me aghast last semester, but better prepared now to deal with whatever comes from my own students. Most of them are very polite and reasonably tactful people--or as tactful as you can expect teenagers to be, anyway--but there are just so many of them. So while it's a small percentage who, shall we say, don't really observe appropriate boundaries in their relationships with their professors, sometimes the sheer numbers just get to me. Now I'm ready to frown in a puzzled manner and ask them to repeat what they just said. If they actually have the balls to say it again, I'll say, "Wow, that is a really inappropriate comment to make in a professional setting. You might want to think twice before saying something like that to a professor in the future."

Other suggestions for dealing with remarks would be welcome. And I'm going to make sure I buy stretch pants.

Thanks, Pam, and congratulations!

Coolest. College. Students. Ever. (Dropout Division.)

Jane Wiedlin

Los Angeles Trade Technical College

Fashion Design

1976 (DNG)

Mitch from Modesto Contemplates a Career Change. JobFinder Rolls On.

I'll admit, I have no idea if JobFinder is mockery-free or not. I must be a little dense because I'm guessing I'm missing a lot of jokes on the site. Are you all too "inside" for me? Do I have to read back to day one to get what I'm missing?

Anyway, after a terrible day in the classroom I cast my weary eye on the job ads and saw this one at a school I live near. I'm not qualified for it, and it's not particularly academic, but I love flowers and plants and working in my tiny and distressed garden. I thought to myself, how much more rewarding and vital would I feel as a groundsworker than I do now as an adjunct teacher in the foreign languages. I know it's a much harder job than I probably imagine, but I can't think of many things I'd rather do than work with living things that need my care - that won't talk back!

San Jose State University

Groundsworker
Salary Range: $2,700 - $4,050/month

Facilities Development & Operations' objective is to provide a clean and comfortable environment in all campus buildings that will support the learning process.

Under immediate supervision, and in accordance with scheduled and periodic instruction, this position is primarily responsible for the general upkeep and maintenance of the campus grounds, ensuring a clean, safe and attractive learning environment. The Groundsworker makes decisions based upon sound grounds maintenance practice. Researches and recommends supplies and materials for area of responsibility.

Responsibilities include, but are not limited to:

• Trim/Edge Shrubs, Groundcover, Lawn, Ornamental Plants


• Remove Trash and Litter from Assigned Area of Campus


• Operate Manual and Automatic Irrigation Systems, Make Minor Repairs


• Preparation, Treatment or Amendment of Soils for Planting


• Plant Trees, Shrubs, Bedding Plants and Groundcovers


• Operate Hand Mowers and Riding Mowers for Lawns


• Spray Ornamental Shrubs, Trees, Lawns, Flowers and Weeds


• Perform Minor Maintenance on Small Power Equipment


• Maintain Hoses, Hand Tools, Power Equipment in Proper Condition

Knowledge, Skills & Abilities:

• Thorough knowledge of general gardening and grounds maintenance methods


• General knowledge of proper methods of planting, cultivating and caring of hedges, ornamental trees, shrubs, lawns and flowers


• Knowledge of the use and care of gardening materials, supplies, tools and equipment


• Ability to recognize the more common species of ornamental shrubs, trees and flowers grown in California


• Ability to perform strenuous physical work and utilize mechanical aptitude and motor coordination


• Ability to use a variety of hand and power tools and ability to learn to operate skillfully small trucks and power-driven grounds equipment


• Ability to read and write at a level appropriate to the duties of the position and ability to follow simple oral and written instructions


• Ability to interface positively with co-workers, students, staff and faculty


• Ability to perform all work activities in a safe manner utilizing safety guidelines and equipment

Contact Information

One Washington Square
San Jose, CA 95192-0046
Phone: 408-924-2250
Fax: 408-924-2257
Email: hrsg@sjsu.edu

Anything for the Little Darlings.

Sayid Snowflake: Hey professor. So obviously I am not satisfied with my grade on the paper, and during our discussion you told me to set up a meeting. What time is good for you? My schedule is pretty flexible at the moment, so whenever your free I can likely meet with you. Let me know.

Professor: Hi Sayid. Stop by during office hours Tuesday around 10am. Take care.

Sayid Snowflake: Tuesday I have an 8-9:15 class, then I go back to sleep for an hour and a half, and then i have an 11-12:15 class and I'm done for the day. So anytime after 12:15, or even 1 to give me time to eat is good for me. Thanks.

~-~

"This is Sasha Snowflake. I need to change classes and need you to sign a Change of Schedule form to enter your class. I was wondering if there was any possibility to see you about ten or fifteen minutes prior to your class tomorrow so you can sign the form. Thanks!"

HA! We're a *month* into the semester and you just now want to add my class? You "need" to change your time? Well, I "need" a wet bar in my office and fog and lasers to herald my entrance into the classroom. Looks like we're both being grossly unrealistic and are both shit out of luck.

~-~

"Professor Gullible, I couldn't make it to class yesterday because my car is bad. But I can go to campus on Friday night. Could you meet me and teach me what happened on Thursday night? I would try to come next Thursday night to catch up, but I'm pretty sure my car is gong to be bad then too. I know you drive from out of town too. Maybe we can carpool and you can teach and drive. :) I'm just teasing. But I do need to come in on Friday to get the class notes at least. I don't knwo anyone else in class. Your my only home."

All The Sophies.

• Arnost from Amsterdam deserves a virtual smack upside the head. His concern for his student Sophie is admirable, but his admonition that she "pull herself together" demonstrates a lack of awareness of the high degree of depression that afflicts academics, women in particular. Before Viagra came on the market, the highest drain on university health plans was anti-depressant medication. Studies (both official and ad-hoc) show that academics - especially female academics - deal with high levels of anxiety, stress and a feeling of disconnection, a situation often exacerbated by systemic discrimination and an inadequate support system. Sophie is clearly intelligent and capable of performing at high levels, but her obvious self-sabotage (handing in papers late despite a reduction in grade)demonstrates that she fears success. Arnost might want to suggest an academic coach or counselor so that Sophie can address some of these issue snow as a grad student before they hamper her academic career.



• As a veteran of many years in the classroom, and a mentor to hundreds of students, I've seen so many Sophies. All the Sophies brought unrivaled joy to my seminars and my research, but also so much pain and anxiety. I never knew when to reach out to help, or when to stand back and let them fail. So many Sophies still haunt me, the one who dropped out of school and never contacted anyone from the college again, the one who disappeared mid-semester and returned hard and callous and uncaring. One Sophie whose clinical depression forced her to be hospitalized. What are we to do? Are we not mere professors? Advisers, yes. But clinical psychologists, likely not. I now err on the side of asking others for help rather than doing nothing, but I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing.
  


• I can answer this one, because I just finished my undergraduate degree as a "Sophie," and I now wish to become a professor. I too, refused to compromise my standards, perfectionism hounding me like an angry Scrooge telling Bob he should have to work on holidays. What finally worked for me was tough love and the realization that I would never attend graduate school with mediocre grades. I know your student is already in graduate school, but let her know she'll never be able to organize her thoughts unless she submits the best she can produce on time and learns to function within deadlines. Tell her she's lucky--I'll have to spend the rest of my academic life atoning for being a "Sophie" as long as I was. As my adviser said to me: I can't help you unless you turn it in.



• This student doesn't need academic motivation. She very likely needs drug counseling or possibly help with an eating disorder. Directing her to the nearest health center or counselor would be worth a shot.



• It sounds like she is showing several signs of clinical depression. (Late papers, inability to concentrate, painfully thin, lacking energy.) The kindest thing to do is not ignore it. It's not going to go away on its own. I would recommend that you go on the web and print out a depression screening test. (Try depressionscreening.org). Convey your concerns about her missed deadlines and inability to concentrate, and sit with her while she fills out the test. Then walk together to the student counseling center so that she see the place, and can make an appointment if she wishes. Too many times, faculty think that students problems will go away with a pep talk or with some "tough love." If the student is suffering from clinical depression, she needs medical help. Sophie is probably dealing with an organic, biological issue. Not a will power issue. Unless she gets medical help, chances are great that she won't be able to make the most of her tremendous potential, and she'll continue to feel guilty about not being able to pull herself up from her bootstraps.



• You note the student seems to have some very serious personal problems. An eating disorder is a pretty obvious candidate. Unless you’re in the psychology department, this is probably beyond your ability to help, as much as you want to. Send her to your university’s counseling office. She needs help from those best trained to give it. It’s great that you care and want to help. We walk a fine line in that we don’t want to ask questions that are too personal. Pointing her in the right direction is a good start. Maybe she’ll get help, take an incomplete and then get herself straight. I wish her (and you) the best.

Monday's Crime Beat.

• Murder case ends in Arizona. From CNN.com.
• Student killed in off-campus party in Mass. From MyFoxBoston.com.
• Mississippi College student runs wire fraud scheme on modeling school. From the Jackson Clarion-Ledger.
• Second man arrested in slaying of pregnant Louisiana student. From Shreveport Times.
• 19 year old Florida student arrested for kiddie porn. From Orlando's Local6.com.
• Trial set for Virginia prof on kiddie porn. From NewsLeader.com.
• You mean Texas high school kids can't carry guns? From NewsJournal.com.
• And not in Baltimore, either? This is still America, right? From ABC2News.com.

A Happy Update From Our Pregnant Proffie. "I Lost My Pants To Find My Job!"

I'm Pam, the pregnant proffie, the one who got slammed by my students last semester.

After enduring that humiliation, I hesitantly decided to go through with my plan to hit the job market running. Well, no, that isn’t totally true. I was eight months pregnant and ginormous when I hit the job market at a respectable waddle. Phone interviews went brilliantly, aside from the general disruption to my pee schedule. Apparently, pregnancy reduces your bladder to the size of a peanut. And yes—I did have to pee during one of my phone interviews and by golly I did.

I was fortunate to get two campus interviews at other schools and I prepared and prepared and prepared. Of course, in addition to planning out my presentation, sample undergrad lesson, speech about my publications, and my arsenal of witty quips and stories, I also had to prepare for the inevitable inconveniences that come with being supa-pregnant.

Thinking of my first campus visit, with three sit-down meals with important people, I knew it was inevitable—I would get something on my shirt. Of course I would—my belly stuck out a foot further than the rest of me. I prepared. I went out the night before I left to get a Tide Stain Pen, and Oxy Stain Stick, and some other generic brand that looked promising. In addition to all that, I folded up a plain black maternity t-shirt, put it in a Ziploc baggie, and stashed it in my briefcase alongside the stain sticks. If all else failed, if I exploded a meal all over myself that could not be erased with a stain stick, I could to go the ladies room and change my shirt.

Three meals came and went. Did I dribble my orange juice? Did I get southwest chicken pasta or ranch dressing on my shirt? No. No. I didn't get anything on my shirt. Instead, I split my pants. During my job talk, I bent down get a page of my notes that fell and I heard the ripping sound. I was wearing bright green maternity underpants. Seriously.

And I got the job.

Arnost from Amsterdam Reaches Across the Atlantic for Advice.

A fair number of students have proven challenging across my years of teaching, yet few in the particular manner of my MA candidate Sophie.

Sophie is delightful yet unable to do herself justice academically. On the one hand, she is warm, kind, witty, generous with the other students, and highly intelligent - brilliant, I would say; she has offered original ideas even at this stage. Truly, she has a magpie's mind and can be disarmingly insightful.

In addition, she moved from America to Amsterdam on her own initiative and means, faced considerable stumbling-blocks with courage and resilience, and often when we speak I may as well be conversing with a peer. However, she seems incapable of submitting her work on time, though I have pleaded with her even to compromise her standards should it mean meeting a deadline. Once Sophie asked to meet with me so she might apologize for having completed an important essay several days late. As the essay would have received an A had she not been penalized for lateness, I asked if something had perhaps happened to preclude punctuality. She responded in the negative, saying she simply could not organize her thoughts, and so it was right she received the penalty.

I admire Sophie's integrity but it is evident all is not quite well. I can see how terribly she feels for failing to meet deadlines. At times she appears rather pale and drawn. She is also markedly, even painfully, thin. I know she is currently grappling with difficulties, though I am unaware of their precise nature, and I realise I can do nothing apart from encourage her substantial intellectual gifts. Yet I cannot help but think, What a pity. She could bring such gifts to the discipline should she pull herself together - and she desperately wants to do.

How do others encourage students such as Sophie?

Wanda from Wilmington Doesn't Need to Be Quite So Wired.

To my administrators:

You asked about our teaching needs, hoping to supply us with the best and the brightest. . . technology, not students. You are thrilled to provide us with "wired" classrooms, complete with computer, digital projector and a "real-live computer" in the teacher's desk.

We now have in our classroom:

• a chalkboard, but no chalk and one eraser


• the "wired" desk, which is on wheels, but anchored to the wall. When I sit at the desk, it comes just slightly below my neck, and the monitor (bolted to the front corner) blocks the view of the students.


• An overhead projector


• A TV monitor on the wall, with a dangling remote attached to the TV--across the room from the anchored teacher's desk


• metal tabletop podium, now rendered useless by the "wired" desk with monitor.

What do I need to teach? a classroom with:

• a functional desk, so I can spread my materials out


• reasonable temperatures, in other words, could you get the A/C to work so it's not 80 degrees in here?


• a whiteboard/chalkboard with erasers


• comfortable student desks--since I now have to use one if I want to sit down, I'd like it to be comfortable--after sitting there randomly, these students must really want to be educated to put up with these contraptions


• reasonable attention to janitorial tasks--emptying trash, cleaning the floor, wiping off the overhead screen


• an EASY digital connection to the projector


• orientation to use all the current variety of "wired" enhancements

I laugh, dance, crack jokes and do my best to be a palatable delivery system for freshman comp's MLA, research, essay-writing curriculum. So when you want us to petition you for more technology so we can "reach" our students and show off our "up-to-date classrooms" to the other colleges around (such a selling point), get real. I'd rather a decent classroom environment, a department chair who has my back, and I can cope with the rest.

The Sunday Links. Just Add Syrup.

• Don't like that failing grade. Just do the free retake. From CNN.com.


• File this under "I just want to shoot myself in the head." From ASU.com.


• More ways for parents to never let go. From the Arizona Republic.


• On the other hand, spiritual options increase for college students. From Tuscaloosanews.com.


• You want good football tix? Carry a full load. From Tampa Bay Online.


• College drinking. 5 students die everyday from alcohol-related problems. From WMICentral.com.


• 1/3 of all college students go remedial. From WRCB.com.


• Shipboard plagiarism story redux. (Original post.) From InRich.com.


• Students cheat sometimes. Really. From PressConnects.com.


• Manhattan College mandates abstinence. From the Manhattan College Quadrangle.

Some Anti-Cookie Folks Raise Their Mean Heads To Cry "Enough!"

"It's nice when our students perform well. I often bring them little treats, candy or gum, or occasionally hot chocolate on a frosty day. They work hard, and I want them to know that I care about them. "

- from 9/19/08

• Holy shit I cannot believe this. When I taught K-3 in public schools we did this. For God's sake these are college students, most are adults. They shouldn't be bribed or rewarded for meeting expectations. Professors who do this are doing a disservice to students and setting up future professors for stupid expectations.



• When my students do something great, I praise them, verbally, sometimes with grades. I don't need them to like me so I don't make them cookies, brownies, bring them donuts, give them a party, or anything else. I might if we were a Cub Scout troop.



• I'm embarrassed to be a proffie today. Someone wrote yesterday that it's a "miracle" if students do something right? Really? Are you even trying then? What kind of dunderhead can't encourage students to at least follow instructions. If they aren't doing these bare minimum type activities - bringing an assignment when it's due!?!?! - then surely most of your students fail, right? Well, no, not really, because I've seen the numbers. I hope no non-academic reads that shit about cookies. We're already enough of a laughingstock.



• Yesterday in your "Bardiac/Cookie" post someone is proud that her students call her "Mom." This is someone who's in need of some psychological help, and I'm not even joking or being hyperbolic. There's something wrong if you're an adult professor who has this kind of need. Please, reconsider what it seems your colleagues tell you. You're not doing them any favors by being their mom.



• Uh, being "liked" by students is not my goal. My goal is to increase their ability to reason, think, read, write, and contend with the world. If I just wanted to be liked, I'd bake cookies and give them balloons (and high grades). But we must be more responsible than that. I'm sickened by the whole "cookies" thing. This might work in the 5th grade, but it's not appropriate for college level students. Surely you can remember some of your professors in college. Did any of them (from the 60s, 70s, 80s, etc.) bring you cookies if you remembered to bring your homework? (Sure, I once got some weed from a Philosophy prof in the early 70s, but that was not the same as this...I digress.)



• Well as I see it, it's all about restraining myself. I have one of those generous heart things going, and I'm also thrilled when the students do something fun & wonderful, like their work. And I came straight from the Make-Them-A-Happy-Treat school myself. I also resist reminding them when things are due, calling them when they're absent more than a week, and nagging them to drop the class (much to the Admin's consternation). I sit on my hands a lot. You see--it's about them. Not me. The students are the ones who have to figure out how to create their own rewards and "feel-goods" for themselves--they're the ones who have to find their own internal motivation (see this Washington Post article.) After all, when they leave high school, the cookies and the money-for-grades and the all-day suckers and the pizza parties are left behind and they meet us: college professors expecting them to motivate themselves, get to class (or drop if they decide not to come at all), stay up late to finish their English or Math or Soc because it's important intrinsically to their own sense of who they are, independent of what others may say. . . or bring.
  In the Big World we are expected to keep going even when the Cookie Fairies don't show up with our treat for attending a faculty meeting, grading stacks of papers when we'd rather be outside in the garden. I want my students to grow up and be able to run the world when I'm retired and in the rest home, and I aim to do my part.



• I stopped reading Bardiac long ago. Too twee for my taste. And, really, I can’t stand that whole cohort of anonymous academic bloggers. I can think of only a few good reasons to blog anonymously, like ragging on students the way we do at RYS, but most of these people have no real reason to hide behind a pseudonym. For the most part they are a bunch of tedious navel-gazers and on more than one occasion I have seen those pseudonyms used as weapons to take down an academic enemy. That is, I’ve seen things posted anonymously that the writer should have been willing to own. Bitch PhD is the worst, but others are nearly as bad. That whole crew has a massive sense of self-entitlement. Snowflake professors. And cookies? And being called Mom? Seems like some people have some serious issues defining the boundaries of their professional lives. Next thing you know they’ll be showing up at the big game. Oh, wait . . .



• What? They can't get students to meet expectations on the merits of their own teaching? I tell my students they will not receive token praise for doing what they are expected to do, which is successfully meeting the criteria on all assignments in this course. Giving praise for doing what is expected encourages a sense of complacency rather than promoting a desire to learn and produce higher quality work on subsequent assignments. Cookies? Candy? Treats? Who are these dumbasses kidding?

Some Solemn Last Words on Funerals, Excuses, and Why Grandma Has To Die For Your Fucking Final Grade.

• Fucktard of "On Obituaries" fame has his/her own tragedy going on--a reading deficiency. Didja miss the part about it being an EXAM the TWO students had missed? That jumps out of the realm of excusing some incidental absence...or not excusing it. Missing an exam and being allowed a make up opportunity needs some level of hoopage for jumping. It ain't the same thing as missing a class at all. My own advice to our original questor is DO THE MATH...These snowflakes are lyin'--or I'm dyin'--and thus the aplomb to accept their fate. Notice: They EMAILED THEIR EXCUSE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAM. Hence they had time to drive back before the exam. And they didn't. Had to have been a Sunday night, right?, since they had gone home for the weekend. Death wasn't sprung on 'em suddenly--and if it was, didn't matter--didn't go to the service anyway. Accept their humble "my bad," give 'em the zero, then give 'em opportunities (err in their favor) if they demonstrate continued humility and willingness to play well for the remainder of your time together!
  
  


• Before a college instructor, a person allegedly trained in rational discourse, reduces himself/herself to telling peers that they suck, it makes sense to understand the issue in question. The issue was not whether the instructor should allow an excused absence or not; the question was whether the instructor should take the time and effort to create a make-up exam. There’s a huge difference. I point out to my students that college is the only place where people want less for their money—less homework, less research, less reading, less rigor, you name it. My students are adults by chronological standards. On any given day, they can come to class or not. It’s almost never my day to worry about where they are and why. It’s the student’s dime and s/he can spend it anyway s/he wants. However, if said student wants me to take the time to create a make-up exam, then I expect documentation of the crisis. Failing to require documentation of students’ dead grandmothers would cause the death rates of grandmothers to rise astronomically and I just couldn’t live with knowing I was responsible for killing so many sweet, little old ladies.
  
  


• What does your syllabus say? Mine specifically precludes "not having a ride," along with traffic delays, cars not starting, etc, from being justification of excused absence, so the second student would be toast anyway. But I haven't usually required that an obituary mention the student by name, so the other student could have slid by in my class (usually they bring a program from the funeral home, but not always.) Another possible mitigating circumstance: does a zero on this exam keep the students from passing, or just drop them by a letter grade? If a letter grade or less is the only penalty, I am much more inclined to enforce the policy in the syllabus strictly. (After all, I have had students who missed funerals and weddings and family reunions to take exams.) I would say, yeah, they deserve the zero, if that's how the policy in your course goes. But you have the prerogative to take into account the performance of each student over the whole term when you set grades. If the students have otherwise been consistently good, you can push them over a borderline at the end. If they've been consistently marginal, that tells you something too. You could always arrange some other sort of compromise, like letting the final exam grade count twice (only recommended if your final exam typically has the same or lower average than the other exams, otherwise you're setting yourself up for other students in the class to be pissed off.)
  
  


• Grandparents die at an alarming rate around finals time, and they really ought to look after themselves better. Is somebody on this?Asking students to supply evidence for their absences when there are grades involved is perfectly okay, but I feel like the Question Poser was kind of mean in not making the evidence requirement clear upfront. If a student is at a funeral out of state, don't you think it is better to tell him/her to bring home whatever evidence you are going to require, rather than assuming he/she is going to souvenir the funeral order of service or whatever it is you are going to want to see? I have had students who are upset about this requirement get Mommy to email me, and my response to Mommy is "I am being asked to give this student an exception that could be seen as favoritism which affects his/her grade, and I need to be able to show why I allowed that." I have never had a parent have a problem once the explanation is given, even though often the emails start with "How dare you question my snowflake's integrity! Nana was an important part of our family!" The point is, don't make it a "gotcha," because then you seem like an asshole, even if you do catch them out in a lie. If you suspect them of lying, call the whole class out on it. By which I mean, tell them, "If you lie about your grandma dying to get an extension on your essay, she will die, and it will be your fault."

Where We're Apparently On the Wrong Side of the Whole "Baking Cookies For Students" Thing. And We Hope "Mom" Will Forgive Us, But She's a Nutjob.

Did anyone catch that line that said we liked Bardiac's blog? Seriously, we do. But we've taken a beating already for us questioning the whole cookie thing. Maybe we're not big on cookies. Maybe we think it's a little 5th grade. Maybe - according to one writer - we're just "plain dumb." All of this may be true.

But, we did get a kick out of her recent "For the Win" post that celebrates how well her class did without her when she was an hour late. We thought that was sort of heartening. But of course we didn't mention that, did we. Ah well, let the shit-kicking begin. Luckily, as one writer put it, we don't have any "feelings" anyway, so have it.

• I know this is a fun place to let loose some, but did you have to make fun of Bardiac? Her class did something great! She felt as if they'd earned a little treat for this, and she shared it with her readers. Can't you see the good in that?
  


• Do not mock us for our moments of excitement! Our days are filled with the drivel of lethargy. The slugs are perched in their places, and we throw salt at the room hoping the inevitable biological explosion of goo will produce a comment we can count as a discussion. We are reduced to well choreographed performances instead of the well proven dissemination of information, power points with pictures so they don't get bored. They REMEMBERED for heaven's sake! They DID WHAT THEY WERE TOLD!! It truly IS nothing short of a miracle. Call the Vatican -- we're in awe of this moment. Honestly. Truly. I'm very serious here. I'm nearly in tears at the mere possibility that out there somewhere a group of students are awake. Hell's Bells...I'LL bake the cookies!



• Take the stick out of your ass. It's nice when our students perform well. I often bring them little treats, candy or gum, or occasionally hot chocolate on a frosty day. They work hard, and I want them to know that I care about them. LONG LIVE BARDIAC. She's my new hero!
  


• I would bet you're not liked very much by your students. That's a shame, because the relationship between teacher and student can be so rewarding. If you don't like Bardiac's classroom, you'd really hate mine. My students call me "Mom." Yes, and they always have. We get along and we do great work together. I have the very highest standards, just as if they were my own children, and even though people in my own department jealously make fun of me, my students are behind me and support our shared learning environment. Bardiac should not be made to minimized by your aspersions. She should bake those cookies and maybe a platter of brownies as well if she feels like it. Maybe you like to be an unfeeling information conduit, but many of us TEACH in the classroom, and make lifelong relationships with the most treasured people we'll ever meet - OUR STUDENTS.

Our Time? Well, We Like Walking In the Desert, Having a Tall Glass of Absinthe and Lemon, and Shooting Wolverines, and Oh, You Don't Just Mean Us?

Yesterday's big thirsty about how college profs spend their time drew a wide variety of answers. Because institutions vary so much, we could find no consensus of any kind. Of course we weren't really looking for that, but it would have been a little less messy than what's below. We've scooped up some flava from a number of notes and we hope it helps. Please to enjoy:

• The writer needs to read "A PhD is not enough!" by Peter J. Feibelman. In fact, that book should be required reading of all incoming graduate students. Chapter 5, "From Here to Tenure" is "an unsentimental comparison of the merits of jobs in academia, industry and in government labs." It's written for science graduate students but the advice should be useful for everyone. I thought the comic Piled Higher and Deeper said it all in answer to the Big Thirsty question. I also agree with the percentage breakdown in the Higher Education Research Institute Survey as illustrated in the comic: 59% teaching, 18% Research, 23% service.



• I'm at a medium size R1 in the northeast, have tenure, and spend most days in scholarship. The classes I teach are ones I've led for years, so they don't take a vast amount of preparation. I do have TAs for my classes which takes down the time I once spent on grading. I'd tell your writer that for me it's 80% research, 10% teaching, and another 10% on related service for the university.



• I teach at a mid-sized community college. 40% teaching... sorry I am at a "Learning College" (or so my Dean keeps telling me), so I am facilitating learning not teaching. 20% prepping labs because my school is too cheap to hire a lab assistant. 10% committee work, admin proposals, and other such useless staring at the proverbial brick wall. 10% actually doing any real prep, grading, or real committee work. 10% community service to help my Dean say that we are engaged in our community and keep my performance reviews from being too bad. Yeah, I know it equals 110%, but is that too much to ask?



• I have just finished a small article about this and spent a week distributing surveys to my colleagues at a small liberal arts college in a heavily forested state. (How's that for anonymization!) Anyway, we are a hands-on facility, where the service and teaching sometimes overwhelms all else. Our president thinks we should "love" our students, and not in a creepy way. Based on my surveys, and trying to match the categories your original poster set up, I'd give you these numbers: Teaching 55%, Prepping (all year) 10%, Scholarship 5%, Committees/Service Work 30%. And we don't have enough time to do ANY of it to the best of our abilities.



• Ooh goodie, I can't wait to hear the answers to this one. Once again the nasty part-time / full-time divide will come crashingly clear, and I'll have to make my mother cry once more. I'm an adjunct in a large city, and here are my numbers. You should walk a mile (or drive 60!) in my shoes some day: 80% teaching, 20% driving. Your other categories mean nothing to me.

On Obituarys. You Suck, But Mostly, This Whole Thing Can Be Avoided. Another Plea to Ditch Excused Absences.

This big thirsty funeral edition misses the real tragedy. Here’s the tragedy: you suck.

You make your students bring in an obituary? Oh, and the obituary only counts for an excused absence if the student is named? Seriously? What the hell gives you the right to ask this? It’s intrusive, unfair, and disgusting. Just to clarify, if Sammy Student comes in with an obituary for his mother, and that obit says the deceased is “survived by four children,” that doesn’t count in your class? I guess Sammy should have called up his father in the hours following their loss and request that his name be included in the obit. Yeah, that sounds logical.

Or, Sammy can go back to the hospital where his mother passed away and ask for a “doctor’s note.” SERIOUSLY? Before you all start whining about “how do we excuse them for funerals then?”

Here you go: Give them X number of absences per semester. Forget this excused/unexcused bullshit. I tell my students to use their X number of absences wisely — for illness, funerals, weddings, picnics, Bon Jovi concerts, flat tires, exploded printers, sunny days — whatever.

This way, I don’t have to worry about being so intrusive as to ask for a program from a memorial service. I don’t have to worry about asking my uninsured students for doctors’ notes when they can’t afford insurance. I don’t have to worry about excusing the mom who wants to be with her child when he has the sniffles. I don’t have to worry about students lying and I don’t have to worry about sucking as hard as your Big Thirsty professor with the god complex.

Coolest. College. Students. Ever. (Dropout Division.)

Dyan Cannon
Anthropology
U of Washington
1955-1956 (DNG)

We Love You, But If You're Baking Cookies For Them IN SEPTEMBER, There's Something Amiss!

We get turned on to lots of academic bloggers. Some folks invite us to see their own pages, but mostly readers tell us to check someone out they like. We usually don't like what we see, but we like Bardiac. Her tone is great, the blog is varied, and there's a great real world / academic world dynamic that feels authentic.

So, please check her out.

BUT, we hate this recent post. Not because we don't want a cookie - we always want a cookie - but because it makes us wonder: IS THIS WHAT IT'S COME TO? A STUDENT DOES WHAT WE ASK, WHAT WE KNOW WILL HELP THEM, AND WE'RE FLABBERGASTED THAT THEY DO IT? SO MUCH SO THAT WE'RE BAKING FOR THE LITTLE TOTS?

So, to Bardiac, we're sorry to putting up a fuss about cookie day, but forgive us, okay? (And if you make any with raisins, send them to compound. We like them to buffer the alcohol.)

- ~ -

From Bardiac: Just Another Academic Blogger

Seriously, It's peer editing day for my writing class today. I reminded them yesterday that they need to bring copies of their draft for every member of their group. Then we counted off groups so they'd know how many people are in their group so they can make the right number of copies. Then I reminded them again that they need to bring copies, just as class was about to end.

So I'm taking bets on how many students will appear at the beginning of class without copies.

Additional bets on how many of those didn't bring paper to print out and how many didn't bring change to make copies. (Printing from campus computers is free, but you have to supply the paper; copy machines aren't free, but you don't have to supply the paper.)

I'm jaded, aren't I?

!!!!! SPECIAL REPORT !!!!!

I lost the bet! I'm so excited! Every single one of the students brought a draft, and every draft I saw was several pages long!

I think I'm so excited I'll bake them cookies this evening or something!

Extra Thirsty? One of Our Readers Needs a Quick Answer to This Knotty Funeral / Exam Query.

I know you've already done your big thirsty for this week, but I find myself with a dilemma.

I had two students miss an exam. I received an email the night before the exam explaining that they had gone home for the weekend and one of them had a death in the family - the one student was the other student's ride and was therefore stuck. So they missed the exam and I did what I always do: I sent a kind email expressing condolences and asked them to get in touch when they arrived back at school and were ready. Upon their return to class, I explained that I needed some kind of documentation, and an obituary is only sufficient if the student is named. I accept memorial service programs, notes from hospitals or hospice care, etc. I've been waiting for the documentation so we could schedule a makeup exam.

Tonight I received a confession. Although it was true there had been a death in the family, they actually hadn't been at the service at the time of the exam. They thought they had left in time to get back to the Uni to take the exam, but didn't. They accepted full responsibility and said they know they deserve a zero.

Q: Do they deserve a zero? Apparently there really was a death. Is my judgment clouded because I appreciate the confession? Or because I have a soft spot for people going through loss? What should I do? I have to resolve it quickly because this is one of those compressed courses that will be over in just a few more weeks.

A: Send replies soon!

The Big Thirsty: How do Proffies Spend Their Time?

Q: I love the site, and as a freshly-minted Ph.D. it's become a place I often go to for advice and ideas. I tested the job market last year when I was ABD, but I finished my diss. in May and I'm ready to go full bore into the fray this year.

But I have worries about the amount of time the various duties take for a proffie in the real world. I finished my degree at a fairly large state school in the northeast, not anything like an Ivy, but not a bad school. Definitely not a liberal arts college or a community college. In my field, there are jobs in all kinds of institutions, so I feel as though I'm in the dark about how different the duties are at these places. I have insight from my own mentors, but could I ask a variety of your readers, what percentage of your time is spent in teaching, prepping, scholarship, and committee work? I hope the question is interesting enough for folks at all kinds of different schools to answer.

So, that's it. I have to confess that RYS scares me sometimes. But it's always such a good chuckle. My absolute favorite joke is when someone writes to you asking to be called "Angry Arthur from Argyle," and then you call them something else, like "Testosterone Timmy from Timbuktu." You've done it a few times and it never fails to amuse.

A: Send your replies here.

Yes, But What's Not Being Asked Here is, "Do They Give a Shit About OUR Out of Class Lives?" Hope Not.

Instead of bashing Tucumcari Trisha, I've gotta say that her idea about showing support for our students and their out of class lives works. When it's athletes, I start asking how practice is going. I stop by when they're out on the field working (what's two minutes on the way home). I try to hit one game in each sport where I have students and when I can't, I ask how it's going.

The key here is word gets around. Go to a basketball game and someone will say "are you going to come to the baseball game next week?" The coaches see you too, you know. It makes it easier when you have to call and say: "he/she is on my last nerve - can you make 'em run some laps or something?"

To be fair -- I attend at least one play, one art show, buy the occasional $1.00 raffle ticket and answer survey questions. I also take absolutely no crap, kick kids out of class, use public humiliation to get homework completed, and break into applause when something goes right. My classrooms are noisy and boisterous, and I can quiet it down by saying "shush." One word. I've been writing on the board, heard inappropriate noise and said - without turning around - "If that doesn't stop now I'm going to turn around and start randomly kicking people out of class until it stops. I don't even care who."

It took a couple of years for me to realize it's my classroom, not theirs. Sure they've paid to be in that space, and yes, they pay my salary. But they're still children, so when they act like children, I treat them like children and I demand they grow up.

Short. Not Too Sweet.

• Okay, I get it. You have a slamming iPod. It's white and shiny, both. It's loud as shit, too, because of those 70s style cans you like to wear. I'd be more impressed if what I heard out of your ear wash was actually music. That noise of yours is so detestable, that even if it were a reasonable volume I'd find a way to hate you. Oh, and do you really think I'm going to actually fucking WAVE at you every time I start class so you can unjack from the groovy tunes? You know what? Sometimes when you're bopping your head and we're just getting started, I call you "Toad" instead of Todd. Your classmates think it's a scream.
  


• know what i love? the delusional sophomore that just told me he wants to publish such and such paper. it was maybe a generous 'C' essay at best. like it's so easy, right? we didn't have to earn our jobs or write for years, progress through grad school, maybe pick up a publication there if we were lucky. but hey, i think i'll just send this one on the side of my desk off too. because i want to get it published. i had no idea it was so easy, and that is seriously frustrating me right now. you know what, fuck all this writing anyways. i want to be president. i think i'll see about doing that.
  


• I am told that some of my students don't like me because I set standards in my classes and require students to meet them. They chafe at being required to come to class. They hate it that if I give them time to work in their project groups, and they leave early, I mark them absent. They dislike weekly quizzes, homework to present in class, and all other forms of evaluation. Well I have news for them. My job is not to be their friend. My job is to educate them. The techniques that I am using are generally regarded as good methods to accomplish that. It is not the students who will decide whether I have a job here next year, and that is a good thing.
  


• You blew it. When you came in — after one lousy test — to tell me how unclear everything is, how you don't know what I want, and how "a lot of people" feel the same way, you blew it. Even as you said that it's not about the grade, you made it clear that it's about the grade. And your decision to present yourself as spokesman for the class (or some part of it) was ill-advised. What makes you think a professor would see that move as anything other than polite intimidation? What I want is for people to do the work, all of it, and learn something. "A lot of people" ask that of their students.
  


• I am thinking of making 75 copies of my syllabus for every 20 person class. That should work out just about right. "I lost my syllabus." "I don't think I got one on the first day." "My roommate thought it was junk and tossed it." Instead of reasoning with them like adults, I'll just keep pulling them out of my briefcase till they're gone. Then if I run out before the final exam, I'll just quit. Sounds like the best career plan I've had all year.
  


• You think I'm looking for your weekend plans in an email? Just because you HAVE my email doesn't mean I need to hear from you. Sure, you sometimes slip a class note in there, like "whenz the paper do," etc., but last night you simply told me you were checking out some "blazin new klub." I really don't need this info. In fact I want to scour it and you from my memory, and as soon as I get this bottle open, I'm on my way.
  


• You don't like it here, right? I think we got it the first 100 times you sighed. Listen, I didn't create "college" just so it would annoy you, so deal with your attitude at home or wherever.

Area Blackouts Lead to Riot at Miami (Oh) University.

from WCPO.com:

Some students [at Oxford Ohio's Miami University] decided to have a sit-in protest outside the president's residence Monday night.

By midnight an unknown number of students were placed under arrest after several police officers were called to the scene to disperse the crowd, which police say grew to more than a thousand.

9News was told they are being held by Oxford police and at the Butler County jail, and that officers from at least six police agencies were involved – including Middletown, Fairfield Township, West Chester and Butler County.

The students were protesting that the university did not cancel classes Tuesday, despite continued power outages.

The protest spilled onto High Street around 9 p.m. and Oxford police asked the students to disperse.

• More info here.
• And here.
• And here.
• Some video here.
• And more video.

Car Wreck Pedagogy.

Two days ago I got a panicked call from the husband of one of my colleagues. My colleague had been side-swiped by another car on her way home from school. The car was nearly totalled, but luckily my colleague only suffered minor injuries, bruised ribs, and a strained shoulder. But she needed me to cover her classes the next day.

I went to her classroom, saw the usual muddle of drooling and blank freshmen and went to the front.

"Are you a sub?" one guy shouted out.

"Yeah, are you like a part-timer? We don't have to listen to part-timers." Then he laughed.

"Your teacher, Dr. CarWreckLady had a bad accident yesterday," I started.

"Yeah!" two kids in the back shouted, and then - unthinkably - did a high five.

"She got hurt in the accident," I said, just absolutely stunned at the now-smiling faces. "She won't be here today."

One girl up front said, "Is she okay?" but most of the rest were packing their books up and getting ready to leave.

"Yes, she'll be fine in a few days, but - WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

One student with his backpack already on said, "Well if she's not here, why do we have to be here?"

"Yeah," another one said. "I got up early for class, and if she's not coming to class why should I?"

I rubbed my eyes as if I were sleeping and having some sort of nightmare.

"Sit down," I said, in what I'd call my "outside" voice. They were starting to get it, I think.

Once they had quieted down I started my colleague's lesson, and over the course of the hour they looked a bit more sheepish - at least I hope.

At the end of class I said, "I may be here on Thursday, too, and I'll be taking attendance and doing Dr. CarWreckLady's normal schedule."

They slowly left class, and more than a few stopped by my desk to tell me they were sorry and that they hoped their prof was going to feel better soon.

"Could I send her an email, you think?" one student said.

"Yes," I said. "That'd be nice."

"It's School, Not a Party." A Student Reply to "Boredom 101."

Poor, poor, you: actually having to attend class. Oddly enough, most of my classmates are not "adults capable of making their own decisions." They're self-entitled brats on a four-year vacation being paid for by their parents. The reason they're forced to show up to lectures is because if they weren't they wouldn't be getting Cs - they'd be getting F's. Besides, let's be realistic; the most thought-provoking Chemistry professor on the planet isn't going to get the hung-over slacker in front of you off of their cell phone with anything short of a pizza break - which isn't teaching, it's pandering.

I am precisely the sort of person that gets As without attending classes. I also know that basing an entire institution of learning around my extremely uncommon characteristics would be idiotic. If you're a perfectly capable autodidact, don't attend university. Get yourself an online school and go live your life. University is for people that either want, or need, to be in a classroom.

Personally, I attend classes because I enjoy the presence of the professors. Interacting with experts in their fields is the greatest virtue of a college education - I'm guessing you've probably made great use of that benefit, even as you deride it.

It's school, not a party. Their job is to provide you with information, not entertainment.

What a child - need your soother?

Ghoulest. College. Students. Ever.

Vincent Price

Art History / English

Yale U

1933

Masters of Fine Arts

Courtald Institute (U of London)

1935

JobFinder Rolls On. First Prize in Our "Check Out the Disclaimer Section" Category.

Raritan Valley Community College

Part-time Adjunct in Computer Science

Raritan Valley Community College (RVCC), serving Somerset and Hunterdon County residents for over thirty years, offers over 70 associate degrees and certificates, customized training and continuing education.

RVCC is committed to being a learning-centered college that works closely with the community to develop and offer new and innovative programs to meet the needs of a growing diverse community and student population. We anticipate the following opening for the 2008-2009 academic year.

Minimum of Master's Degree in discipline required. Teaching experience is required, college level is preferred. Positions are located on the Main RVCC Campus unless otherwise noted. For consideration of the above position, please submit your cover letter and resume online.

Raritan Valley Community College is firmly committed to a policy of Equal Opportunity and Affirmative Action, and will implement the policy to assure that the benefits, services, activities, programs and employment opportunities offered at the institution are available to all persons regardless of race, creed, color, national origin, ancestry, age, sex, marital status, religion, affectional or sexual orientation, gender identification and expression, atypical hereditary cellular or blood trait, genetic information, liability for service in the Armed Forces of the United States, or disability, and in accordance with the state and Federal Laws: Title IX, Title VII, Civil Rights Act of 1964; Executive Order 11246, as amended; Title IX, Educational Amendments of 1972; section 503 and 504, Rehabilitation Act of 1973, as amended; Veteran’s Assistance Act of 1972; as amended.

Highway Helga. And You Can Decide If She's Taking the Piss or Not. (We Already Know.)

Tricia from Tucumcari offers some EXCELLENT ADVICE! One of the first times I've seen practical advice I can immediately use!!!

I have tennis players, basketball, and soccer players in my classes--and the college has great teams (but I have NEVER had any interest in them--until NOW).

I have heard all the excuses and they're real, but I get tired of trying to accommodate them--now I know what to do...THANKS!!!!

I may ask for the tickets and not show, but WOW--what I CAN do is to follow the team and make appropriate supportive comments in front of the class. Woo hoo!

Yes, Yes. Students Are Dolts. But At Least They're Our Dolts.

Since I’ve been sentenced to I Can’t Believe It’s a College Junior Community Tech, I am amused by your student stories. Compared to my students, even your slackers and snowflakes show signs of wit, initiative, or persuasive skill. At my “kollidge,” we don’t merely cater to the bottom of the academic barrel, we turn it over and recruit what’s grown underneath.

Cases in point: One student at the beginning of a past semester scheduled an appointment with me to discuss why he had failed the course. “I thought I was getting, like, a B,” he said.

I then showed him the failing grades on five of ten quizzes, showed him the failing final exam on which he had written one paragraph even though the preview contained the question and clearly stated “write a multi-paragraph response,” told him the final paper was not turned in until after I had submitted final grades, and finally pointed out that one paper was not even turned in.

Lacking the cleverness to lie, he said, “What paper?” I even had to explain to him how to file a grade complaint (which was denied thanks to, first, the mountain of evidence and, second, to his idiocy). Oh, yeah, this dolt’s a representative on our main student governing organization. Yeah, I know, he’s destined for politics . . .

Old School Octavio from Oakland Offers Some Ornery Observations.

C: Listen up ho. Wearing a camisole is not appropriate for a chemistry class. Office hours, well, maybe. At least I know that guys peeking at you aren’t trying to copy answers off your test.

R: You raise your hand, I walk over to you, and lean down to hear you whisper your question to me. You speak at a volume that I could hear down the hall. Are you retarded or just an idiot? Use your indoor voice, junior.

S: I accidentally passed you two exams instead of just one. Oops, my bad. Instead of passing it back to me, you stuff it in your backpack. What do you want, a souvenir? Or perhaps you have a friend in my afternoon class who needs a little extra study help. Nice try, Sly.

"Inaction Is the Wrong Step." A Flood of Emails Encourages A Recent Poster to Seek Legal Help.

A post that appeared this morning, "He Wants to Kill Me" has generated a flood of emails. The general tone of those is below. We have been in contact via email with the writer of the piece, and have extended the strong voices of support, including at least one offer of legal advice:

• This professor needs to know his uni's response is Wrong. The prof needs to find a lawyer pronto, and have a restraining order placed. The campus security needs to be there to walk him/her to his/her car. The uni is responsible for the safety of faculty & students & staff. The uni is wrong, wrong, wrong. Verbal threats are the first step. Did they learn nothing from the Virginia Tech case? I also have a scary student but nothing like this. If it were me, then I'd be looking for a new job ASAP, esp one starting next week. Please let this writer know, s/he doesn't have to put up with this. Get a lawyer. Now.



• He or she needs to get an attorney, with experience in employment law AND in restraining orders, and have a sit-down with the school's legal department. This threat has created a legally-actionable hostile work environment and, at least in my jurisdiction, the student has already committed criminal acts for which he can be prosecuted. The lawyer can point out to the school's lawyers that they don't want to be paying for EITHER the hostile work environment lawsuit OR the negligence lawsuit if or when the student carries out his threats, and that should prod the school to real action. If not, a criminal threat of this sort should be MORE than enough for the professor to get a restraining order that will effectively expel the student by forcing him to keep off the campus. Begin keeping records of every threat, every action, and every response the professor, the student, or the school takes. This kind of record is invaluable in harassment cases. This is a serious threat and needs to be addressed seriously. If the professor's school is blind to that, then seek outside legal counsel before something horrible happens.

Further update:
An RYS reader, who is a professor and an attorney, has been put in touch with the poster of the original article. Should we learn anything about their steps in addressing this problem, we'll report it on the site.

Wherein Dina from Dallas Wonders if Tucumcari Trish Has Really Thought Out All the Dynamics in the Professor / Athlete Axis.

Ok, Tucumari Trisha, I'm with you. Since we're acting like female athletes don't even exist in this conversation, and we're referring to adults as 'kids' which sets my teeth on edge even more than your assumption that you're the only one broad-minded enough amongst us eggheads to take an interest in student athletics, can I just ask a few questions about your strategy here?

First, what one-horse college do you belong to?

Let me tell you about showing an interest in the football boys at my little university. It is impossible for me to attain football tickets by calling the coaches. Any coaches. None would return my call. Two of them make $200,000 more than the president of the university. In order to obtain tickets, the university has internal hierarchies so byzantine that Max Weber couldn't parse the institutional rules for awarding tickets. There's the people who have had season tickets for two decades; the people who have had season tickets for five years but who write big checks to the alumni association; there are the seats reserved for deans sucking up to big potential donors; there are the seats set aside for our little snowflakes; there are tickets that are sold only to particular faculty who have been buying tickets for years but who are allowed to buy only two tickets at a time; there are the tickets that are reserved and sold at the last minute to celebrities who would like be flashed on ESPN. My friend on the faculty who has been a season ticket holder for years sold his two tickets, in a relatively crappy part of the stadium, to last Saturday's game for $500. Each. Selling your football tickets pays better than adjuncting. I'm just saying.

So here's the thing about my football 'kids.' They don't seem to be wanting for attention, mine or anybody else's, really, or validation for what they do. In fact, if I were to note their performance on the field, they wouldn't probably think "oh, cool, my prof respects what I do" because it would be simply another droplet into the Brobdingnagian ocean of attention they receive for what they do on the field.

I'm with you on the basic point; respect what your students do. Fine. I'm all for respecting what other people do, especially if what other people do is healthy and pro-social or at least not harmful. But I'm at odds with your implementation. Which brings up my second question: Why are sports so special in your strategy? So I have nerdy disruptive kid in the class, and I'm supposed to spend my weekend going to comic book conventions and D&D games and Ren Fairs in the hopes of running into him to let him know I 'get' and 'share' his interests and priorities so that we can be friends in class?

I'm sorry, but disruptive behavior is disruptive behavior, and I don't have to spend my weekends chasing around after students in order to prove that I am down with what they do outside of my classroom to get them to respect the class. Whether they chose to respect me or learning is up to them; I will do the best I can to engage them and work with them within limits. But whether they shut their pie-holes and not impede the learning process of the classroom is not up to them; it's not up to how they feel about me or how they feel I feel about them. It's a requirement of staying in my class, let alone passing it.

In my classroom, I have a job, and that job is to help people learn. Even if I don't follow the sports guys around like one of their groupies, I don't walk out in to the middle of the football field and demand they stop what they are doing to calculate the area of a triangle--and neither do their classmates. That's what they are owed in their role as student athletes. And it's what the rest of us are owed as well during class, including the student athletes (and there are many, including football players) who are in classes to learn.

So we've heard the spate of excuses for not controlling the class, ranging from Trisha's "you need to go to the games" to the "oh, I'm such a dainty widdle teacup of a girl at 100 pounds however can I manage these ever-so-big men?" and I'm not convinced by any of it. My 8th grade English teacher weighed 90 pounds soaking wet and we feared her more than death itself. How can that be if it's all about size? She didn't pretend to be interested in Twitter or the X-Files or fencing or football or anything else to make us diagram sentences and behave like civilized people. She demanded we get our heads in the game of English; she owned us for the hour we worked with her. There were consequences for behaving disrespectfully, and those consequences were unpleasant to say the very least.

"He Wants to Kill Me." Inaction on Campus.

This is a biggie. A career first for me. During orientation this fall a former student of mine told a colleague that He Wants To Kill Me. No joke. I came up as instructor for a course he was considering, and this little gang banger wannabe threatened my life to another faculty member. Said he'd like to catch me off campus and choke me to death. The same student turned in a photo of himself brandishing a gun as part of a project for another professor.

The school's response has been to put Gang Banger in Training on probation and have him see the school's counsellor. No suspension and no expulsion. The school put an unarmed security guard in the building for the first week or so, but that's gone now. My office opens onto the main hallway and I teach next door to Gang Banger's classroom. Meanwhile everybody from the VP on down is telling me not to worry, or that I should worry more if he's removed from campus. Another suggestion was to sit down with this junior thug and have a chat to "help him understand how I feel."

I "feel" like I'd like to see his skinny ass frog marched off to the county jail, which is where he will end up anyway.

We Love the Student Editorials. So Crunchy. So Delicious.

I just wanted to share this very special editorial from a disgruntled student from the Daily Vidette, Illinois State University's campus newspaper. I think you'll agree that all university instructors need to heed these words of wisdom.

It's all our fault! We're stupid and boring! I'd like to see this particular little snowflake try pulling this "You're boring, so I won't pay attention to you" crap at his first big-boy job (assuming he manages to secure one). It's been quite some time since I was a corporate cog, but I think if I'd tried this with one of my supervisors, I'd have been out on my fanny before you could say "outrageous sense of entitlement." God, I am old. Must be why I take attendance.

Read the entire article here, or sample some flava below:

~~

Boredom 101
Eric Mills, Columnist

Illinois State Daily Vidette

The guy in front of you is falling forward, dazed and tired. The girl next to you is texting repeatedly, no regard for anything the teacher is saying. The room is three quarters full, with six people who are actually paying attention.

Everyone has sat in that class, struggling to stay awake. They learn relatively nothing, and what they do learn is made over the course of 50 minutes, when it could have been taught in under 10. How does a teacher so excruciatingly boring still manage to fill their class, you ask?

Attendance points, the crutch of the boring teacher. Whether their material is boring, they speak in a monotonous voice or they tell pointless stories that have little to do with anything that is being taught, these teachers hold the interest of no one. It bothers me for a few reasons, but principally because I feel like they are wasting my time.

If a teacher makes one point over the course of a 50 minute class, and this point is in the book, why should I have to go listen to them make it?

Cruelest. College. Students. Ever.

Michael Swango, M.D.

"Doctor of Death"

Southern Illinois

1983

You Had Us at "Hogs." Tales from Adjunctland. (Pack Your Neosporin.)

As a three-year veteran of adjuncting, I have sympathy for Angular Anne and her ilk. Or I did until I attended last week’s adjunct orientation, my participation in which was necessitated by the fact that our college just relocated to a campus 15 miles away from the convenient old one and no one knows his or her way around. I expected the usual drill of ID cards, computer passwords, parking permits, and not getting a copier code, but it turns out that our shiny, new, still-under-construction campus comes with some additional surprises. Namely the wild hogs.

That’s right, in their infinite wisdom, the board of regents decided to relocate the campus to the edge of a nature preserve that has somehow managed to survive the onslaught of big boxes and apartment complexes that surround the rest of the campus. The upside of working at a nature preserve in the middle of suburbia is that it’s a beautiful setting. The downside is that in addition to my usual worries about indifferent students, low pay, and an information deficit, I now also get to contend with the great outdoors.

Among the threats about which we’ve been warned are wild turkeys that like to peck at the windows, all kinds of plants whose names begin with the word “poison,” and the aforementioned wild hogs. (No one seems to know what to do if one of those interrupts a lecture.) We’ve also been instructed to “learn the difference between poisonous and non-poisonous snakes.” Luckily, of the twelve poisonous ones they’ve caught so far, only one was inside a building. It was a rattlesnake.

At least the college cares enough about its adjuncts to make full-color handouts of the various flora and fauna we’re likely to encounter. And of the rashes that each type will deliver.

Tucumcari Trisha, Lover of Treaties and Tailbacks, Offers Her Take on Taming a Team.

Team mentality feeds upon itself and spirals in which ever direction it's going. If it's going bad, it keeps getting worse. Sometimes you can spin it back the other way. My first experience with this was terrible and I was very green and couldn't get it under control. I had the baseball team and they were down right atrocious. The straw that broke the camel's back was the day one of them shouted out "I can't stand her voice." I called the coach, who had a reputation for keeping the boys on track academically and expecting more of them behavior wise. The next day they lined up outside my door and one by one, removed their hats, bowed their heads, and fidgeted a little while delivering an apology. I think most of them meant it.

I'm just at this a couple of years now and this term I have the football team. The football coach doesn't have the rep the baseball coach has. He's more of a cartoon of a football coach - lots of yelling and lots of thinking football trumps academics. With just a couple of years experience, the main difference was not that I had some great way of dealing with the behavior, it was just that I caught it before it got out of hand. So instead of calling over and saying "Your boys are out of control and they need to be or I'll put them on Academic Alert and you'll have to play the big rival this weekend without them," I said I was their science prof and I wanted to get some tickets for the game against the big rival for me and my kids.

There's nothing wrong with college sports as long as the kids don't let their academics slide. The problem is that most professors don't understand how hard they work on the field, and their coaches don't understand how hard they need to be working in the classroom. If they want to be star athletes and C students, that is their choice. Yeah, it's not what most of us did. Most of us got our trophies in class. But that's not for everyone.

People talk. A coach can't help himself but talk. And talk and talk and talk. One way or another, the coach can be used. If he respects academics, just have an honest talk with him about the behavior, and chances are he'll talk to the kids the way the baseball coach at my old school did. If he's a football-o-centric 'roid head, use him to get it to your kids that you are aware of their efforts on the field. I asked for 4 tickets and it got back to my kids and now they're well behaved and ridiculously nice to me. If they see me out on campus somewhere, they'll run to open a door for me or ask if they can carry my gigantic pile of books.

I never had to say "your behavior is unacceptable." They just needed to hear that ONE person understands they live in two worlds. Their coach doesn't really get that, and neither do most of their other professors. But they know I'm one of the ones who does. I don't know if that was enough acknowledgment to really change them - they probably save their antics for someone else's class. But if all of their professors found a way to acknowledge their efforts without directly saying "I know you have a lot to do," they wouldn't feel such an urge to rebel against something. And all I know is - I don't have to deal with it anymore. So maybe try that and you won't either.

I can already hear the backlash. "Right, I should give up one more minute of my time for their stupid game rah rah rah don't you know how much grading I have to do!!" I'm not saying anyone owes the kids attendance at their games. I'm just saying that for me, the 3 hour time investment in a football game is less work than the entire semester-long zoo of an alternative. It boils down to the "would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?" logic. They should be good in class. But they might not, so if going to a game can relieve me of that stress, it's worth it.

We'd Give You More Background With a Pithy Title, But Seriously, It's More Fun Just to Leave It To You.

I' m ranging by circumstance to way my college processes me. I have work incomplete workday on the large community college in the southwest, and 3 weeks into the semester of we' ve thus far, it is which necessary to be by the provided for contracts. I have no dimensions of office, because it has; under construction.

I guess they it refers to the large heap of mud of approximately 9 miles from the campus where of there' sign A.S dear.

And this place where they more teach than 70% of types by my of part-timers. We obtain nothing, any support, any state as much as desired of form. We don' t has separately an entrance, but he feels as we we make. I don' t knows why graduate trainers aren' t made to view this conditions in order to accept the training excursions to the openings of hell as this before we waste our time and money on the pH. D.

Do You Really Need a Title?

Position: Chair of Furniture Design

Salary: Unspecified

Institution: Savannah College of Art and Design

Location: Georgia

The Savannah College of Art and Design seeks candidates for the chair of its Furniture Design department. Qualified candidates should have a terminal degree or its equivalent in furniture design or a related field. Candidates must have practical industry experience including design, concept-to-market and manufacturing.

A successful candidate must be able to demonstrate leadership in the field and thorough knowledge of the trends in the furniture industry. Teaching experience and understanding of the current digital technology as applied to the furniture industry are highly desirable.

TO APPLY: Please mail cover letter, resume or curriculum vitae, writing samples of own and student's work (if applicable), and an unofficial copy of the transcript showing your highest degree to:

Savannah College of Art and Design
Attn: HR - Faculty
P.O. Box 3146
Savannah, GA 31402-3146

If you apply by e-mail, all items above must be included electronically and sent to scadfaculty@scad.edu.

Vince Young. Snowflake? (Oh, and Asking if We're Football Fans is the Same As Asking Us If We're Partial To Frosty Green Beverages.)

From a reader:

Don't know if you guys are football fans or not, but there has been much written the past few days about the actions (both on-field and off) of TN Titans QB Vince Young. When I read this article this morning, I thought of you. His mother is actually defending him to the media, and complaining that the press/fans don't give him enough love and support.

Which explains quite a bit about his behavior.

I'm feeling very sorry for anyone that had to teach him while he was at Texas.

--

As the latest NFL soap opera continues to churn, the mother of Titans quarterback Vince Young has offered up her take on the situation. She says that, on Monday, Young said he didn't want to play football anymore.

“Vince has gone through a whole lot as a young person,’’ Felicia Young said, according to the Tennessean. “And I think he has done pretty well up to this point. But it is hard, all he is going through right now. He’s hurting inside and out.”

On Monday evening, Young’s words and/or actions prompted friends to contact coach Jeff Fisher, who then called police. Clearly, the situation was at a point where someone feared that Vince might do something drastic.

“What would you think, if you were tired of being ridiculed and persecuted and talked about and not being treated very well, what would you do?” Felicia Young said. “What kind of decision would you make? He may not want to deal with it [all], but you have to get to that point before you make that decision first. He will be fine if people are prayerful and help my baby boy out,” Felicia Young said. “He is a young man. He just needs a lot of love and support.’’

--

More Vince Young Links:

• "Young's problems predictable." From Jason Whitlock from Fox Sports.


• "Without incident." From Mark Maske from the Washington Post.


• "Behavior more troubling than his play." From Tim Dahlberg for Associated Press.


• "VY, you poor guy." From Gregg Doyel for CBS Sports.


• Young's website.
  
  
  

Where We Address The "Behemoth-In-The-Classroom" Problem. Some Quenching Replies for Frantic Francine.

We get notes like Frantic Francine's fairly often. Not to get too gender-specific, but many come from younger women in the classroom for the first time. It's not a situation we take lightly, actually, and you'd be hard-pressed to find something else that we feel so ill-equipped to weigh in on. (Several of us compoundites have such large ammo belts on in class that students rarely muster a peep unless it's a compliment about how shiny our sweaty foreheads are.) But we hate when we hear an instructor is paralyzed by the buffoons that populate classrooms around the country, so we're happy to offer a small selection of replies to yesterday's Big Thirsty.

• Sometimes I’ll just stop class and stare at them. After a few seconds, they realize the room is silent and they look up. At that point, I just sarcastically ask them if it’s OK for me to do my job now. You might talk to them for a couple of minutes after class and just tell them that you respect the fact that not all students are pumped about all their classes. If they don’t like your class, that’s fine. Disrupting class isn’t. If they can’t respect that, you still have the red pen. Take some solace in the fact that there’s probably about zero chance they’ll go pro in football. At which point they’ll have to make a living with their wits. That’ll probably involve welcoming people to Wal-Mart or asking if you’d like fries with your order. They’ll also have to bounce at a local bar for extra cash. Try not to laugh too loudly.
  


• I know we usually keep it light in here, but Francine's problem is sometimes more dangerous than it might seem. As a fellow hundred-pounder, I know what it's like to be dwarfed by a football player who stands up next to me and inquires, "WHAT DID I DO?" I'd assume Francine is avoiding conflict for just this reason. The physicality of these young behemoths is not to be sneezed at. Nobody who's been in a threatening situation will surely use the "cowboy up" bullshit that often passes for advice on this and other academic websites. You need to be sure that you feel comfortable, and perhaps the best way to deal with those young men is to deal with someone who's in charge of them. In this case it seems they're student athletes, and that makes your job fairly easy. They have a ton of people looking out for them, and while that's sometimes a recipe for disaster for proffies, in this case it's great for you. Talk to the coaches. Tell them about the bad behavior, and tell the coaches you'd like them to intervene. Now if these were just bruising Chem majors or something - isn't that a funny image? - then go to an advisor. The point is, Francine, if you're not comfortable confronting them, don't. Ask for help.
  


• Do not not sweet-talk them. That just says that it's more important that they be treated nicely than treated appropriately, and it's probably that assumption that contributes to their behavior. The next time they act up, have them leave. Period. Not nicely, just tell them that if they aren't going to pay attention, they can have their conversation anywhere else they want, just not your classroom. Period. Go over their heads and talk to their coach/coaches. Hit them where it hurts - their grade. Their eligibility. If they attempt to intimidate you, that's an entirely different ball of wax.
  


• Go high school on their asses, since that seems to be where they think they are. Separate them. When they walk into class, tell them where to sit. If they argue (doubtful), tell them that if they're not going to follow the rules of the room, they can hit the showers. Better yet, go elementary. Public humiliation. Begin a class discussion about who finds Bill and Ted distracting, and ask for suggestions as to what to do about it. You'll rally the rest of the class around you and take care of your problem.
  


• Remember: you have the power of the grade. It's time to brandish it like a Tech Nine in an action flick. Try this: (After a Very Long and Uncomfortable Pause) "Mr. Footballer, I've noticed you talking to your friend most of the semester, and while I'm sure your stories are fascinating, I wonder if you might save them for the frat house? SOME students want to HEAR the lecture so they can actually PASS this course." Before you spring this on 'em, practice delivering it straight on into a mirror with a neutral expression, relaxed voice and eyebrows raised. Like you are asking a stranger the time on a bus. These boys may not want to friend you on Facebook after this withering speech, but they might actually shut up. Or drop the class, which would also be a bonus.
  


• Geez, Francine, put on your big girl panties. Whose classroom is it? Enforce the syllabus. I shush mine like the little kids they are on the first day. If I have to do it more than once I give them the "don't make me come over there" stare and if they continue, I walk over and quietly say "pick up your books and get out. Really. Get out. We've having college class here." I hate being a babysitter, so I don't. Kick 'em out, we can do that. Four weeks in, and all I have to do is turn around and/or stare.
  


• One word for you, Francine: proximity. If you’re lecturing, take yourself off toward their tables or desks and stand there to lecture. Usually, overtalkative students will take this as a hint that they should shut the fuck up. If they don’t take the hint, and continue talking while you’re standing next to them, try tapping one on the shoulder and saying (quietly), “You know, you’re in class, and there are other students here who would like to hear the information they are going to need on the next exam. If you’re not interested in that, why not take your conversation outside?” The fact that you weigh less than these no-necks should not intimidate you. As dog-whisperer Cesar Millan would say, “Be the pack leader!” You have to demand the behavior you want.

Frantic Francine from Frankenmuth Fears Fast Forwarding Fat, Flippant, and Frivolous Freshmen Footballers.

Q: When I was in graduate school, we had a visiting lecturer who told us in a graduate teaching methods course that an accepted method of dealing with misbehaving students was to simply ask them to leave the class and return the next day when they - it was to be expected - would behave better. But after reading the "Principled Paul" post from last week, I'm terrified. I'm teetering on the edge with 2 students in a classroom of 20 people.

They act as if they're just stopping by for a little fun between working out and football practice. When I've tried to get them to pay attention, they always give me a polite wave or a nod, but get right back to their frivolity. What I want to know is if there are other strategies, something less severe than me taking my 105 lbs. up against their combined 450! How do I sweet talk them? How do I get the class to help? You can call me Desperate Darlene in Dearborn, though I'd hope you'd give me a cooler name.

A: Send your strategies and ideas here.

"I've Grown Accustomed To You Being an Ass." (Sometimes They Write Themselves.)

Bug-Eyed Brunette (oh, we'll just call her B) approached me at the end of class and stated, in a very demanding tone, "I sent you my paper by e-mail and I did not receive a response from you. I'm ACCUSTOMED to receiving a response from professors who receive my papers."

"When did you send it?" I asked."

About 11 a.m.," B replied. (It was now 12:30.)

"I've been in class non-stop since 9:30 this morning, so I haven't had a chance to check my e-mail."

She blinks her buggy eyes twice, then replies, "But I'm ACCUSTOMED to receiving a response!"

"Don't know what to tell ya," I replied.

She glared at me (with the creepy buggy eyes), sputtered, and finally wandered off muttering -- literally muttering! -- under her breath.

I'm not really ACCUSTOMED to being treated like a servant, but unfortunately I've got needy, high-maintenance students out the ass this semester, so she's not the only one acting like this. If I have to tell them to RTFS one more time when they ask the same damned question for the 47th time, I may scream.

Drunkenness is setting in much earlier than usual this semester.

Akron's Anson's Awesome Acrostic.

B - I know you wrote that shit about me on RMP so take those polite meaningless words and stick 'em up your arse. The same shitty writing is easy to recognize. I'm from community college to proffie, sister, I ain't dumb, I got 99 problems but thanks to grade inflation now you aint one

I - Thanks for coming to my office hours. But really, it gets harder for me not to laugh out loud at your confused silences. From my end, it's like trying to teach this computer monitor. I can talk and explain until my face turns blue, but the fucker will still not reply. Are you just messing with me?

A - That was awesome when you were sleeping in class today. I'm super convinced about how seriously you take this stuff and how much you respect me. In fact, it's going to take everything I've got to wait until that first deadline so you can blow me away with your learning. I'm so excited.

T - A shout out to my colleague: Thank you so much for giving me the responsibility of seeing your great idea through. It's my pleasure to do all the footwork involved with this brilliant initiative. No seriously, I'm not that busy. Hell, can I grade some of those papers for you too?

C - It's great how comfortable you feel bullshiting with your bro Dumber during class. Your whole dirty artist vibe is so cool. I know the other students wish I would just shut up so they could listen to your soothing and enlightened voices. Oh, but I'm going to fuck you up come finals.

H - One for the heroes that get it (including, of course, the RYS moderators). Thank you. Thank you. And thank you. Can I get a witness?

Check out Anson's previous work.

Shooting Fish in a Barrel. Folks Line Up For Miles To Roger Roger.

Oh goodness. We threw Roger to the wolves, but what can you do. We get mail like his fairly often and we just clear the evening for a massive reading session. Again, we're sorry if we didn't find space for your "rogering" of Roger, but there's only so much time between class, drinking, tennis, and someone's annoying baby.

• So you got a job right out of the gate. Good for you. Do you want a cookie? In today's market with tenure-track positions being replaced with adjuncts, that situation is as rare as a real A student. It's pretty obvious you're NOT in the humanities as there's nothing even remotely humane about your writing. These people you just crapped all over are your colleagues. And guess what? According to the most recent figures, they are the ones doing almost 70% of the teaching in today's academy. Their grunt work makes it possible for you to have that full-time job and do your oh-so-important research. And many of them hold Ph.D. degrees. Maybe if you stopped jacking off in front of the mirror long enough to understand what's happening in academe, you'd know all this. Please, stay in your private office. The adjuncts (and probably your full-time colleagues as well) don't want hang out with the likes of you.
  
  
• Wow! Righteous Roger sure has set me straight! The system is based purely, 100% on MERIT! No politics, no administrative whims, no blind luck, no hidden agendas. The cream rises to the top and the dregs sink to the bottom! During all these years I've spent in academia as an undergrad, grad student, adjunct, and tenured professor, I've never encountered a single tenured professor who wasn't brilliant and stellar in every respect. No ass-kissers, no nut jobs, no back-stabbing manipulators, no chair-warming mediocrities. Each and every one of them so clearly deserved his/her position, status, and salary (several orders of magnitude higher, of course, than that of the adjuncts). The scales have fallen from my eyes.
  
  
• The reality is if it weren’t for adjuncts teaching the majority of classes your motherfucking stack of publications would be as small as your dick. The reason this blog is popular with adjuncts is because in “real” life they have to deal with twats like you, who lord your superiority over them at the best of times and pretend they don’t exist for the rest. I too teach on the side – because I love it AND get the best evals of my department – and I too am getting sick of the tenured staff and admin who expect me to do all their work and solve their problems without any recognition or even a damn photocopy password in time for semester. Fuck that.
  
  
• Every adjunct I know has a PhD. Has had for years. But didn't get onto the academic gravy train somehow - the right job didn't come up; didn't have the right contacts; came second in 3 job searches and the person who came first took it - and after 3 years (if you're female) or 4 or 5 (if you're male) you're toast; you're never going to get a TT job. And they are every bit as good as the people with the tenure-track jobs, most of them. Just not as lucky.
  
  
• Ah, Righteous Roger, so comfortable in his (I’m assuming) well-equipped (by corporate sponsors) lab, where things like grammar and spelling and facts don’t matter. I assume anecdotal evidence is the new standard in the sciences? Listen, Bub, in those fields where doctoral research requires more than simply serving as your supervisor’s assistant, completion times often – frequently – exceed the two year’s allotted by our institutions. Thus, many adjuncts are in the latter part of their projects, doing all that research and publishing that you take pride in. As an adjunct, I published, I won awards for teaching, I taught workshops for other faculty, I sat on committees . . . in short, much more than many tenured faculty I know. The pay was lousy – which I knew going in, but the respect from department members often (not always) provided other forms of compensation. Adjuncts know where they rank in the grand scheme of things. To rub their noses in it is, frankly, rudeness bordering on bullying.

Prick of the Week. Righteous Roger from Redding. Really. This Is The Kind of Shit We Get.

What is this shit with the adjuncts? The site is turning into a little coffee-klatch for people who won't spend another 15 months getting the PhD.

Yeah, I had to adjunct, but just for a semester. I was writing a dissertation, duh, and then I had 2 job offers at my schools of choice and I settled in nicely where I am now. We have adjunts here and all they can do is bitch about their union meetings and why can't they park closer and why won't we share office space with them? Uh, because I have a full time job and I need space for my research and teaching?

I'm very sympathetic to the job market "blues" I hear about, but the truth is the same today as it was in the 80s, good people get careers, and people NOT-SO-GOOD take jobs to make ends meet. They can join the club, and I hope they do. We always need good people.

But your site doesn't have to cater to them and them alone. You've let a lot of them recently tell their sad stories and the one that really got me was Principeld Paul! This guy is a piece of work and I'll bet my faculty club card that he's an humanities teacher. You can tell me if I'm right. His woeful tale of not being understood by the Dean and his desire to toss a student out being met with disapproval just doens't ring true. You can't tell me that there wasn't some other reason he got canned, like being a bad teacher. My experience with adjuncts is that they're carrying chips on their shoulders as big as my stack of publications.

Like I said, I'm sympathetic. But do a good job in the classroom and finish the degree. Or start it. Nobody is holindg a gun to your heads.

I don't give a shit if you print this or not, but if you do let me know. I don't read the page very often.

We Love Features That Generate Such Heat. Coolest. College. Students. Ever. Continues.

Jim Nabors

Business Administration

U of Alabama 1952

Some Links on Inflated Grades.

• Whaaaaaa? Student evaluations don't work? From Party Schools Exposed.


• Oh, the dear millennials. From RedOrbit.com.


• Some UK perspective on grades and teaching. (Don't skip the comments.) From the London Telegraph.


• The SAT / grade inflational axis. From the Atlanta Journal Constitution.


• Some charts to break your spirit. From GradeInflation.com.


• If they work less and are dumber, why are the grades so freaking high? From the Carnegie Foundation.


• A's for everyone. From the Washington Post.


• No evidence for inflation? From Crooked Timber.

Special to Angular Anne: "You Are Not Your Fucking Copy Code." Phaedrus from Philly on Part-Timer Philosophy.

Back for a fourth year of full-time adjuncting, I think I met Angular Anne's soul-sister last week. A new hire to teach one class, she had to excuse herself from a small breakout orientation session, explaining “I have to print my syllabus.” The facilitator (an administrator with pseudo-faculty status) asked her if she had an office yet. “Office?” What about a computer? “Computer?”

So there we are, sitting around in a huge, nearly empty computer lab, which itself is overseen by the facilitator of our group, whom I have always found helpful and friendly, who then tells this new, clueless, apologetic adjunct how she can walk down the campus quad, cross a street, and find a computer lab where — Wait for it… Wait for it… “You can print for ten cents a page.”

Nice try, Herr Direcktor, but the correct answer was “You can use one of the many computers and printers under my direct discretionary control, and which are not currently in use by anyone, given that this is the week before the semester starts.”

The other adjuncts know where the copier is and how to use it—or how to get around the administrative lockouts and/or procedures designed to prevent you from using it. You were not told these things originally for the simple reason that the people responsible for giving you the information do not like you, on spec. You are adjunct. You do not matter. You are scum. Why faculty and administrators believe these things is a mystery, one that the sages and mad prophets have puzzled over for centuries.

I’ve been at it a tiny while here, and I’m at peace with who I am, what I do, and what purposes it serves in the several grand schemes at work at any major research place. I understand and accept why I’m paid less than the guy who teaches two classes a year; I understand and accept why I meet my twice-as-many-students in a cubicle while his massive office sits empty half the year while he’s on sabbatical and/or fellowship and/or course-release to go do research in Poland, and/or interviews for other, better assistant professorships behind our college’s administrative back—but what I do not understand, and refuse to accept, is why Anne doesn’t get the copy code, the key to her classroom, a tour of the facilities, and a walk-through of her computer system, like she’d get at any other craptacular job in the private or public sector.

I don’t understand and refuse to accept why she has to be treated with that kind of dismissal and disdain—if for no other reason than because she cannot do her job this way, without copies and keys and the basic knowledge of how her department works. Shutting her out isn’t just disrespectful of her, but of her students and her students’ needs. The rest of it is comedy compared to this last thing—that a department would take—that so many departments we know and “love” do take—its primary academic responsibility so obviously and obliviously for granted is not funny at all, but tragic, and frightening.

So, How Is This Different From High School?

So, I wonder why I went to grad school forever if I have to separate Bennie and Rachel three times in my 8 am class? They're writing notes, on a piece of paper, sliding it back and forth, and giggling? Are you kidding me? This is a 200 level Sociology course. It's not one of those "Meet the College" 100 level jobs where students' expressivism is rewarded.

And Niko doesn't have a pen, can she borrow mine? And Antonia wonders aloud if I could loan her my book since she didn't have time to go to the bookstore? And Roger says, apropos of nothing, "I don't have any quarters for laundry, man, and I'm right OUT of shirts."

Three times I have to ask the class to quiet down and pay attention. One kid gets up and wanders off into the hallway only to return with a 24 oz. Red Bull. Nobody takes notes until I say, "TAKE NOTES."

One guy says, "How many midterms are there?" and then "Are any of them on Friday?"

OH MY GOD! I tried to keep it together but I got more and more mad. I kept saying, "Listen, we have to cover this material today to keep up to the syllabus." Yawns all around.

Oh, and this is the class I thought was my "good" one.

Oh, and I've read this page before. I know I'm supposed to "cowboy up," even though I'm technically a cowgirl, and I'm supposed to be tough. But why on earth do I want to babysit at all? I did that when I was a 9th grader; the pay was lousy, and I sucked at it.

Coolest. College. Students. Ever.

Chelsea Clinton

History

Stanford 2001

International Relations

University College (Oxford) 2003

Ragin' Raven From Racine Reaches Out To Three New Students.

To the kid in the back who thinks he's totally rad:
Yea, I see you. How could I not, right? Everything about you, from your uncoiffed, blond surfer hair, to the way you lean casually back in your chair with your hands folded behind your head, screams, "Look at me and know that I am too cool to care." And the way you talk over everyone's introductions to joke with your "bros" really shows that you are too cool. And they way you make flirty little comments during your own introduction says, "I think I can manipulate everyone--including the instructor--with my oozing, laid back charm." Dude. First of all, we're in the freaking Midwest. Lose the surfer persona. Second, you're mildly creepy. So why don't you sit up in your chair, shut your mouth, and realize that all the faux-surfer charm in the world won't save you from that D on the first essay. Bitchin'!

To the computer science guy:

Thank you so much for informing me that you believe the way I conducted our composition class on the first day was inane and inefficient. I know. I did have everyone put their desks in a circle so we could see one another. I just wasn't aware that this meant that I was turning class into a "therapy session." I don't recall asking anyone how he feels about his father, but I guess circles could lead to this kind of thing being so ... round and all. You also were kind enough to inform me that "Education is about thinking, not feeling" and you "just want the facts." I really appreciate your generous sharing of your educational philosophies. Lord knows that the computer science guy in my community college first-year writing class probably has a lot to offer on this topic. And the way you just flat-out attacked the class on the first day shows that you are in no way just rashly judging the situation. I actually said that this class was all about thinking, but maybe you missed this because you were so troubled by the thought of having "to listen to everyone else talk." It must be troubling to be in a class with other people. You probably prefer a blank room with a computer, piping in "the facts" over a high-speed connection. If only the world could be this kind of angular, robotic, people-less paradise! We wouldn't need this reading and writing crap at all!

To my new favorite student's mother:

I haven't met your son yet, but I can already tell he's a winner. How? Who but a winner would have his mother email me about missing the first day of class? Not only this, but you managed to email me late, and with so many errors that I had a hard time understanding the message! That's something. And to top it all off, your son is not missing the first day of class because he is incurably ill, mildly sick, or even on an end-of-summer beach extravaganza. You're son is missing class because he is "bear hunting." Out tracking grizzlies somewhere. Can't be bothered right now. I cannot wait to meet the kid who loves slaughtering large, angry animals just as much as he loves his mother. I only hope he can write a bit better.

Nothing Can Stop JobFinder. Keep Those Tips Coming.

U of Iowa
Japanese Religions Professor

The Department of Religious Studies at the University of Iowa invites applications for a tenure-track position in Japanese Religions and Society at the assistant professor level, to begin August 2009. Area of specialization is open and may include Buddhism, native religious traditions ("Shinto"), and new religious movements. Essential qualifications include evidence of scholarly promise, proficiency in modern Japanese and the ability to work in pre-modern Japanese sources, as appropriate to the candidate's area of specialization. Teaching load is two courses per semester.

Candidates must submit applications online at http://jobs.uiowa.edu/. Paper applications will not be accepted. Screening of applications begins immediately and continues until the position is filled. Individual informational sessions will be held at the annual meeting of the American Academy of Religion in Chicago, Nov. 1-3. Applicants who wish to be considered for a session must submit their application by Oct. 17.

Contact:
Japanese Religions Search Committee
Religious Studies
The University of Iowa

Phone:
319-335-2164
Fax:
319-335-3716

Online App. Form:
http://jobs.uiowa.edu/

Some Friendliness for Fone-Addicted Farrah.

• What kind of class is Farrah teaching where she thinks students need instant emergency help at all hours of the day? Whatever it is, will someone please tell Farrah that her problem is her own? Nobody is making her answer those emails the moment she gets them, and quite frankly, if they annoy her, tell her to turn the stupid thing off. Professors have a life too, don't they?
  


• If you are going to allow this technological wackness in your life for some people, you are going to have to expect everyone will use it, including students who have access to the address. Tell your students you only have email access at your office, and you can't respond during evenings or weekends. Also, are they asking dumb questions? Maybe tell them that if they email you with a question that can be answered by, say, reading the syllabus, they will be ignored. I create blogs for students to post to; you could try that (blogger is easy to use) and encourage them to discuss assignments there with each other. I mean, if they are all online at crazy hours, they might get a faster response than trying to badger you with their inquiries.
  


• Today's students are needy, needy, needy. And if you give them an electronic lifeline into the grade-grubbing arena, they'll latch onto it like a tit. Boundaries have to be set early and enforced often. Luckily for Farrah, this problem is a cinch to solve. First of all, set up a separate email account or folder for your student emails, and under no circumstances should you allow these emails to find their way to your phone, to disrupt your dinner, to disrupt your TV watching time. Secondly, tell the students that you check your email only once a day and never on weekends. Then, tell them you will not answer homework questions over email. If students have questions about the homework, they should be seeing your during your office hours. Don't worry--they won't flood your office the way they flood your inbox. That requires too much physical effort.



• First-timer Farrah needs to cowboy up and set some damn limits -- lest she end up at the beck and call of students who can't seem to take a dump and successfully wipe themselves without needing extra support, remediation and validation. It is perfectly acceptable to explain that e-mails and phone calls will be answered within 48 hours. Period. Getting back to them immediately is only enabling their learned helplessness.



• Farrah, if you're a computer programming prof, I have a feeling that you also know how to program your cell phone. Make it stop downloading your email, or at the very least make it stop beeping when it downloads your email. Once you've done this, set some limits. Tell them that you'll answer their emails within a set time limit (I usually do 24-48 hours, depending on how frequently the class meets), and that if they haven't heard from you by the next class, they can ask if you've received their email. Answering them immediately tells them that you are available 24-7. Making them wait tells them that you, too, have a life. Remember the old saying: "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." Just step away from their emails - you'll be glad you did.



• The hardest thing about being a new academic is learning that you have a right to say “no,” and that it is OK to do so. You can close your door and not answer it despite someone’s persistent knocking, you can refuse to work on a project. So, just because your students e-mail you doesn’t mean you have to answer. Ignore them, and if you can’t, it points to your OCD not theirs. If you absolutely cannot ignore the incessant beeping, then ask yourself why your e-mails are so important that you have to download them onto your phone 24/7. Again, this is not about them. It’s about you.



• Your students are your students, not your bosses. You don't need to reply instantly when they e-mail you. You need to disable e-mail notification on your phone. If you have someone that needs to get hold of you on a moment's notice, get a different e-mail account and slave that one to your phone. Eventually your students will discover that you don't answer e-mail when you're not in the office. I hold one virtual office hour every week, when I'm available by e-mail for a specified time period. Otherwise, they need to wait until I have time to answer.



• Welcome to 24/7. When they signed up for your class, they attached an umbilical cord. You belong to them. They know this because mommy and daddy told them the world belongs to them. The same defect that makes the other snowflakes beg for grades they haven't earned. They'll earn the grades, but they really do expect that you will be right there with them 24/7, reassuring them. If you make the mistake of thinking otherwise, they'll climb the ladder to the top of the realm to make sure someone knows you aren't doing your job.

Coolest. College. Students. Ever.

Julia Stiles

English

Columbia U 2005

First-Timer Farrah from Florida Fears The Fone. It's Got An OFF Button, Right?

After reading your blog last spring to see what I am in for, I was prepared for the worst with my new faculty position. So far, I am pleasantly surprised. My students are doing well and learning the material that I am trying to teach them. I was particularly concerned about my freshman programming class, but almost all of them submitted working programs for their first assignment. I had a little trouble getting the students in my junior class to use the software that I wanted them to use, but it turned out to be the result of an obscure bug in the program which I needed to work around. My special topics class is going great. The kids are doing problems on the board and participating in class discussions.

There is one cloud on the horizon, though. The students email me twenty-four hours a day. I finished my undergrad work nearly twenty years ago and went to work in industry. Until ten years ago, when I left the office that was it. No one could reach me. Ten years ago my employer at the time ran an ISDN line to my apartment so that I could continue working while I was at home, but my bosses did not send me emails on evening or weekends. They wanted to spend time with their families.

Students are different. They often do their homeworks late at night and expect me to answer their questions. If they email me past nine o'clock, they are out of luck because I am in bed. But they email me for all the time before that. They email me when I am eating dinner, or when I am relaxing with a beer, or when I am changing into my pajamas. My stupid cellphone downloads their email and beeps to tell me that they need help. What can I do to get a handle on this situation? My friend tells me that this is the digital convergence and that the only way to avoid it is to be a neoluddite.

Are there any other suggestions?

Remember the Good Old Days When It Was Just a Writing "Sample" They Wanted?

• You think the cheek swab idea was only a joke? I'm a new hire and I've got to submit a clear chest x-ray to prove I don't have TB. Talk about invasive... I know the x-ray shows my lungs, but it also shows whatever else is under my shirt. As if I wasn't already feeling rather vulnerable starting out at a new place.
  


• Oh, there's lots of that fingerprinting going on. If you remember correctly, it was in the 1990s when academic contracts began to include odd commentary about "protecting the constitution of the United States of America." It seemed nutty then, but it's been ratcheted up. My friends in the corporate world have been dissected and probed and asked to give all kinds of bodily fluid samples in an effort to catalog each employee in some draconian way. Academics have been awfully immune to it. We used to sniff when we heard the term "background check," but there are more "improvements" coming, not just fingerprints but X-rays, DNA, swabs and stickings and "samples" of all kinds. Ugh. The day I have to go into a supply closet with a specimen cup and a copy of "Busty Beauties," is the day I take up a new line of work.

File This Under Guilty Pleasures. Or Under Real Estate Porn.

I know that as an academic I am supposed to eschew television and read Important Works, 24/7, but sometimes a woman just needs to throw herself on the couch and watch Bravo reality tv for a few hours, which is how I caught a gem of a show called Million Dollar Listing.

Essentially, its three douchebag realtors under the age of 25 who make millions of dollars a year selling homes to people who want to conduct their financial affairs in front of a camera. But whatever - at least these three aren't lying around playing Guitar Hero in their moms' basements. But I digress.

This past episode featured Taylor, who was looking for a home in Malibu, with an ocean view, for under 1.5 million, and near Pepperdine. Is Taylor a superstar prof? Of course not! Is he the new President of Pepperdine? Of course not! He's a junior - an undergrad. Luckily, daddy (AKA Dennis Bloom, the President/CEO of Ameriprise) flew in from Texas for 48 hours and bumped up the budget by a million bucks so that Taylor could have, as the realtor (dreamy Madison Hildebrand) points out, entirely unironically, the perfect pad for a college student.

I should have some snarky commentary about how wrong this is, but it's so wrong on so many levels that I don't even know where to begin.

"Please Submit Your CV, Letters of Recommendation, And a Cheek Swab."

"Fingerprinting of all new staff is required prior to employment. The processing fee must be paid by the employee."

What the hell is up with this?!? Not only do I have to bend over and let you stick a pole up my ass, but I also have to give you money for the privilege of it! What possible security concern requires instructors to be fingerprinted? Is the jihad infiltrating the academy to brainwash the next generation?

I know that at pre-university levels teachers have to go through criminal background checks, which we all feel good about in this atmosphere of thinking everyone with the opportunity to supervise Jenny and Johnny is likely a pedophile, but at a college or university where everyone is an adult (in age, not maturity...) what possible justification is there for further upping the ante and requiring a fingerprint database?

Is there a major theft problem of office supplies from the departmental office that needs dealing with? When an aluminum soda can is found in the garbage bin instead of the recycling bin, is it swept for fingerprints to catch the bastard who is unnecessarily inflating garbage disposal costs?

Damn, why stop there? Also require cheek swabs for DNA samples! That way we can identify and string up the asshole who constantly pisses on the toilet seat in the faculty bathroom, or doesn't flush the toilet after taking a monster dump.

College Backgrounds - Election Edition.

John McCain

US Naval Academy

National War College

Sarah Palin
U of Hawaii-Hilo
Hawaii Pacific U
North Idaho College
U of Idaho
Matanuska-Susitna College

Barack Obama
Occidental College
Columbia U
Harvard Law

Joe Biden
U of Delaware
Syracuse Law

Crusty and Cranky Calhoun from Camden Wonders, What is Up With the "Wonder of You"?

I could give you a good answer to your Big Thirsty question about saying something stupid in class, but instead I want to remark that this sort of thing happens with my teaching charges all the time, and it happens more now than it did 10-20 years ago. Why? Because the new generation of profs think that the class is somehow about them too.

Yes, the "wonder of me." You say in your post that you said something rotten in class of a political nature. I'll assume you're not a Poli Sci wonk, so my thought is, why are you talking about politics anyway? Do you not have any friends you can bore with your political insight? I see it time and time again with my young teachers.

Even when I'm visiting classrooms for evaluations, my newer professors will lambaste the class with a minimum of 5-10 minutes of personal info. I've had instructors talk about their own dating lives, inquire about the students' lack of same, spend 5 minutes talking about a restaurant they like, berate a public figure, or swoon at the latest movie or CD.

None of these examples were ever worked in to a "lesson" of any kind. It was simply 5-10 minutes of class that none of us will ever get back again.

What compels these people to do this? Are they lonely? Do they imagine that the students are dying to know? "What? Your live-in boyfriend really did THAT? Wow! Now how about some Economics?" Do you need to be liked that much? These are the same instructors who're always asking me if it's okay to have class parties, and pizza joint trips, and classes outside. Anything to avoid any heavy lifting in the classroom. It's all a big party. Get to know your instructor. "Wait, did I give you my blog address?" This way students can read about you at night as well.

I don't see the classroom as a social opportunity. I get those on the outside, with people I know, not a room full of students who are more or less trapped there and institutionally obliged to smile and take in anything a self-centered nitwit chooses to say.

So, when you ask how to recover from saying something "bad" in class, I just want to make sure that maybe getting past this incident might help you avoid ANYTHING good or bad about topics outside the realm of your student's study.

What To Do When You've Made a Boo-Boo in Class. Replies to Big Thirsty.

It appears that many of us have been idiots in class. The thirsty mailbag filled many times last night and we chose a little slice of the responses below for your enjoyment:

• You've obviously broken a trust--now rebuild it but saying that you said some things that may have been "______" (fill in the blank). Then apologize for changing the atmosphere in the classroom, and promise to get the class back on keel quickly. Make it quick, then leave it behind you even though you may get zinged either by drops or bad karma at eval time. Obviously you've already learned from it. Don't beat yourself up too much. We've all done it. Carry on.



• It's not as big a deal as you probably think it is. Students rarely listen that closely anyway. I would NOT bring it up again. Why dredge up the worst part of class so far? Be better in class. That will go a long way to mending the 2 students who were offended.



• Welcome to being a prof. I tell my students on the first day that I'm human. every class has some element of damage control from the last one. what matters is taking responsibility, learning and moving forward. It's natural to flail and what will make or break you is whether you can step up and teach from your own missteps. Isn't' that what we ask from our students? Just keep it real - talk to your fuck up directly and they will respect you. If they don't, at least you will be able to respect yourself.



• Come clean; tell them you made a mistake and it was wrong [and perhaps why--show them you understand]. Tell them what you told us, in essence: too early in the semester to 'lose a class'; we all make mistakes at times. Tell them it's easier than they would imagine when you're talking / explaining / responding to discussions and expected to come up with responses quickly--sometimes just off the cuff. Let them know you're not trying to excuse yourself, but to explain. And tell them you want it to be a good semester for all, and you'd like a 'do-over'. Some may balk; I bet you can win most of them back.



• Screw the students, you can say what you durn well like in lecture" and tell them that if they don't like it they can sod off, drop the class and take it with someone else.
  



• What would you want your students to do if (when!) *they* are idiots? Acknowledge it and apologize! Then try not to do it again. You don't need to belabor the point, but you should be direct -- especially since it took place in front of the whole class. Look, everyone misspeaks and/or is dumb sometimes. Don't compound it by acting like the elephant in the room ain't there.



• From my own experience, the only way you can make something like this "go away" is to face it and fess up to it. It would have been better at the immediately following class period (the sooner you fess up, the better), but I'd say to take a moment or two at the beginning of the next class period to apologize. Say something along the lines of "I'm aware I may have offended some of you with my comments this past Monday. My words were inappropriate, and I apologize." Then drop it and move on. You might not be able to fix it overall, but admitting you made a mistake is a good start.



• Your best option here is to be an asshole for some completely random, but pedagogically justifiable reason. Go medieval on their asses for sloppy citation, or not double-spacing; throw them out for not doing the reading. They will still hate you, but they will stop talking about what a moron you are.

Sounds Easy. The JobFinder Rolls On.

CUESTA COLLEGE
San Luis Obispo County Community College District
PART-TIME TEMPORARY INSTRUCTOR - MATHEMATICS

APPLICATION DEADLINE:
October 2, 2008, 1:00 p.m.

POSITION:
Selected applicants will be interviewed to establish a pool of approved Mathematics instructors for possible part-time teaching assignments in the Mathematics Division. Assignments may be day or evening classes at the San Luis Obispo Campus, the North County Campus, Arroyo Grande High School or other sites within San Luis Obispo County.

QUALIFICATIONS:
Master's in mathematics or applied mathematics OR Bachelor's in either of the above AND Master's in statistics, physics, or mathematics education OR a combination of education and experience that is at least the equivalent of items above (candidates making application on the basis of equivalency must submit all materials requested for an equivalency judgment, indicated on the Equivalency Process information sheet attached to the application); OR a valid Community College credential in the discipline.

SELECTION PROCESS:
A screening committee will review and evaluate complete application packets to select a limited number of candidates for an interview. Meeting the minimum qualifications for a position does not assure the candidate an interview.

Incomplete application packets will not be forwarded to the selection committee.

Applications may NOT be submitted by FAX or e-mail.

For application materials please visit our website, write or call:
Cuesta College
Human Resources Office
P.O. Box 8106
San Luis Obispo, CA 93403-8106

Federal Express address:
1504 Colusa Avenue
San Luis Obispo, CA 93405
Telephone: (805) 546-3129

Web address: www.cuesta.edu

Application materials not received by the filing deadline will not be considered.

INTERVIEWS:
Interviews are projected for the week of October 20, 2008. Candidates must be willing to come to Cuesta College for a personal interview at their own expense.

Application materials are the responsibility of the applicant. Applicants wishing to apply for more than one position must submit complete application materials for each position. A committee will screen all applications. All initial interviews will be conducted after the filing deadline. Meeting the required qualifications for a position does not assure the applicant an interview.

Travel costs will be borne by the applicant.

The College reserves the right to re-advertise or to delay indefinitely the filling of a position if it is deemed that the applicants do not constitute an adequate pool from which to select.

The College does not return application materials.

Cuesta College gathers information on applicants in a Confidential Demographic Survey. This form and the information provided on it are strictly confidential. The information is used to help improve advertising and recruitment efforts. It will not be available to screening committees.

The Immigration Reform and Control Act of 1986 requires that, upon employment, the District obtain documentation from every individual which verifies identity and eligibility to work in the United States.

Fingerprinting of all new staff is required prior to employment. The processing fee must be paid by the employee.

Individuals with disabilities may request reasonable accommodation through the Human Resources Office.

All offers of employment are conditional, subject to successfully passing background, and/or medical exams; and subject to approval by the San Luis Obispo County Community College District Board of Trustees.

Big Thirsty - How Do You Recover When You're An Idiot In Class?

Q: I won't bore you with the details, but I did a rotten thing in class Monday. My students are going to think I'm a boor and I don't blame them. It's so early in the semester and this 10 second event - okay, it was about politics - is going to haunt me. My class was classy enough to make a big deal about it, but 2 students did stick around to say they thought that what I said was wrong and hurtful, and I told them they were right.

Things were different in class on Wednesday; there was a distance in the room between me and them, and I worry that I've lost their respect for the entire term. Could you ask your readers what they do when they make a mistake, a public one, say something stupid? Can a proffie recover from this? And how?

A: Send replies here.

There Are Three Types of People In the World. Those Who Can Count, and Those Who Can't.

From Dean Sniffy-Pants:

We ask that you remove the job ad for a BLAH BLAH BLAH from your site. We did not submit the material to your organization and are searching for candidates through other forums. Thank you.

From Chairperson McCoolio:

I am only an occasional reader of your site so imagine my surprise when I received a letter from a candidate who wrote that he saw our ad on RYS! I was not the one who placed the ad in the various journals, but I thought instantly that someone from my own department must also be a RYS-tafarian, and I can't think who it'd be. Then I worried that our ad was so bad or such a mess that you were putting it up to make fun of it. Yet, there's the clear "mockery-free" disclaimer. It wasn't a joke was it? I'll let you know if the candidate is any good or not. Lulz.

Some Affable Advice for Angular Anne.

• Oh, Annie. You're fucked. This is the way it works in adjunctland. I've been a resident there for 3 years, 3 terrible years since I finished my Ph.D. in Sino-American Literature. (And I can't find a job? Who knew?)
  
  
  You'll need to find an old-pro adjunct you can latch on to. There will be plenty around. Go to wherever the mailboxes are (those dark rooms with 235 individual mail cubbies) and look for someone who is stooped of shoulder and carrying a canvas tote bag bulging with papers, staplers, pencils, a lunch, water bottle, etc. That's the person. Ask your questions. Act dumb. Be nice. Beg if you must.
  
  
  The thing is, there are ways to find out how the game is played, but NOBODY in the regular college can really help you. There's a guilt among "regulars" about us adjuncts. Inside they know they're ripping us off, AND the students, and it helps them to cluster around the other tenured folks and talk about mission statements and departmental outcomes. Realizing that a veteran adjunct HAS TO CALL CAMPUS SECURITY TO GET LET INTO HIS CLASSROOM EVERY SINGLE MORNING BECAUSE THE DEPARTMENT IS TOO FUCKING DUMB AND LAZY TO PROVIDE A KEYCARD THAT ACTUALLY WORKS just gets in the way of the good they like to think they're doing.
  
  
  Buy into the adjunct subculture of your college. Those folks know the tricks, the passages, the pathways to doing a good job in your classes...oh, and hang in there. Just think of all the luxuries your salary is paying: rent, car payment, used shoes, generic cans of beans.
  


• You need to make friends with the department secretary, pronto. Treat her (him? not likely) as a professional with answers. Bring cookies if necessary. Come in with a list (and a pencil to write down answers), and smilingly ask for the kindergarten version, because you are starting from nothing. Ask all the same questions you asked for here--including whether there was a mailing you missed or an email list you should have been on. (And maybe add on a couple more about payroll and long-distance phone calls.)
  
  
  The questions you're asking are cultural, the kind of thing that's not written down anywhere because everyone already knows. If you're lucky, the secretary will adopt you: she'll start calling IT to find out why you can't get into your email, she'll call the bookstore and smooth the path to getting your books, she'll help you navigate the parking office, she'll call the secretary in the other building with the locked classroom (and with any luck she won't have had a falling-out with this woman back when they both worked in the Registrar's office.)
  
  
  If she does adopt you, program her phone extension into your cell phone. She can be your most valuable ally. Oh, yeah, and see if you can find out first what her title is. If she's an "office specialist" or a "unit business manager" or a "grand high departmental potentate," don't call her a secretary.
  

RYS JobFinder Continues. Hottest New Feature Since Laura Lasso. (We've Got You Scurrying to the Archives Now, Right?)

Naropa University
Assistant Professor in Yoga

Job Summary: The Traditional Eastern Arts Department seeks to fill the position of Assistant Professor (Core Candidate status) with primary focus on yoga instruction.

Job Duties:
•Responsibilities include teaching 18 credits (six courses) during the academic year
•Participation in departmental meetings and events
•Participation in curriculum development and university service

Qualifications:
•Master’s degree required, preferably in the arts, humanities, or a body-centered discipline, and significant experience in yoga instruction, including asana, pranayama,and meditation.
•Understanding of the history and philosophy of the yoga tradition.
•The ideal candidate will be available for the Spring 2009 semester, though a later appointment is possible.

Applications:
Preference will be given to candidates demonstrating knowledge of contemplative education, Naropa University’s style of yoga and pedagogic philosophy. Application review begins October 1, and continues until the position is filled. Qualified applicants should send a resume and letter of interest to:

Naropa University
Department of Human Resources
2130 Arapahoe Avenue
Boulder, CO 80302
Fax: (303) 245-4634
E-mail: employment@naropa.edu

Hey! Someone's Reading JobFinder! Two Normal Replies, and Then Deranged Dorothy Joins In For No Reason.

Some folks write to us nearly every day. These folks tend to alarm us. The final post below is a fairly modest example. Please to enjoy:

• Typical double dip shit in your most recent JobFinder. They want someone to do 2 rather specialized and quite different duties. Of course it'd be nice if I could find a delicious pizza that also served as a date for those stuffy faculty parties, but that's not how it works.


• Costume design AND scene design? That's like looking for someone who teaches accounting and statistics. They look the same to outsiders, but they aren't. Some genius decided to save money by cramming two open slots into one.


• Missoula! You said my town today in your JobFinder. I love the new features. More CrimeBeat, please! I feel like I'm really on the in, on the downlow. If you sexy boys ever come to Missoula, you'd see all sorts of compounds around here. I dream about you guys. Do you have a Fall calendar? Could you make a teddy with your logo on it for me? Do you want to know my cellie? I'm writing a post for you guys to publish, maybe as soon as next week. I've got some doozy students, let me tell you. Did you get the links I sent you about our Dean and the trouble he's in? Ooooh, he's been a bad, bad boy. I want to know something. Are you going to keep posting students? I don't mind, but one of my colleagues thinks it ruins the whole experience. I send him a lot of links from the site so he can stay up, but he always seems to read it when a student is on there. So maybe cut that out? Just saying. It's nice that you guys always reply, but I didn't hear back last week when I sent in my Hideaway photo. Did you get a lot of them? I thought that stream guy was a major perv. Seriously. I did like the art gallery lady. She sounds like a trip. Okay, so talk to you later! Or, I mean, "lates..."

How Could His Name Not Be Dick? Online Orson Shares A Snowflake Story.

I teach a "self-paced" course over the internet at a medium state U as an adjunct to supplement my measly full time income. I sent an email out last week to all students giving them some basic information about the course (since the office of distance learning no longer gives them ANY information). My new favoritest snowflake responded:

Orson,

This e-mail didn't help. I've been trying to figure out your course by looking on courseweb. The syllabus that I found is for summer. It was very difficult to find that syllabus, and it doesn't list the name of the book needed for class; it just says that it is broken into Modules. You will be receiving more e-mails until we meet, and no one will have anything done when we do meet on Sept 13th, because no one can find any information to get started on this course! If we have to do the work ourselves, we need some kind of information to help us get started.

Dick

Note the informality of the greeting and closing. Note the frustration the poor dear felt when he saw "Syllabus Summer" as a link, although the information in the document was for the fall term. Note the mounting anxiety at the book not being listed (although it was...right under the section marked "Required Text"). Take pity on the poor dear who found it "very difficult to find that syllabus" although it was under the link marked "Syllabus," oddly enough (I know...I'm such a renegade in naming my course links!)

I responded to said student that the syllabus is under the link marked Syllabus, the name of the syllabus had been changed to "Syllabus Fall," although the content remained the same, with one exception. I added an email policy in this student's honor, a small document that notes appropriate behavior and tone for email communication with professors and administrators at the university. I asked said student to review the policy. Here's the response:

Orson,

I'm not interested in appropriate! I have never been nor will I ever be politically correct! If I have a complaint, I can't go to my faculty adviser(s). Everything in Psyche is controlled by the psyche department! I wish I could only take classes inside the Information Sciences (IS) school, because they understand IS students better. Now that the syllabus has been corrected and made a little easier to read; I can go and order the book. The word "appropriate will never be in my vocabulary!
Dick

I got to thinking. I, too, wish this student could only take classes inside the Information Sciences school. They might better understand that these students can't navigate a website made for dummies. And I also wish I could also teach only psych (not psyche) majors. What a life that could be! And what I wish most of all is that I didn't have to deal with students such as this one in this class. When you break down my costs for teaching the class (internet access, substantial travel and parking fees) and subtract them from what I make teaching this class, and divide the result across the 25 students who are taking the course, I am making $3.56/hour dealing with this student. Yeah...I wish this one would disappear!

Wednesday's Hot Links.

• Check college's security for your college-bound littl'uns. From the Visalia Times-Delta.


• Controlling off campus behavior. From the Seattle Times.


• Safety tips for college students. From Fox28.com.


• Fantastic! Mobile Social Networking Software. MoSoSo. More like MoSoShit! From the Christian Science Monitor.


• Dude, I got a C- in waxing. Bogus. From Canada.com.


• Best line ever about living close to campus: When he looked outside, he wasn’t surprised by what he saw. Standing on the upper porch of 2846 McKoon Ave., a home better know among Niagara University students as the “Red Baron,” was a young male stripped to waist and “howling at the moon.” From the Niagra Gazette.

Look, It's Mockery-Free, Okay? Can't Anyone Get That? For Example, We Love Missoula. It'd Be a Great Place to Live. Yet, We Can't Draw, So Fuck It.

University of Montana
Associate Professor of Costume & Scenery Design.

• Teaches scene painting classes, scenic design and costume design for theatre using hand & computer design tools.


• Prepares scenery and costume design for on-campus theatre productions while adhering to production deadlines.

Located at the heart of western Montana's stunning natural landscape, UM is a magnet not only for top-notch teachers and researchers, but also for students from across the country and around the globe. A city within a city - with its own eateries, stores, medical facilities, banking and postal services, and zip code - UM has an increasingly diverse population and rich culture.

Nestled in the Rocky Mountain grandeur of western Montana, Missoula is the hub of five valleys and three major rivers - the Blackfoot, the Bitterroot and the Clark Fork. Roughly halfway between Glacier and Yellowstone national parks, Missoula is a blend of small-town charm and big-city sophistication.

Requirements: Master of Fine Arts in Theatre with specialization in scenic design and costume design & 3-years experience in job offered, Graduate Teaching Assistant or as Costume and/or Set Designer. Will accept any job titles so long as background includes university level theatre design teaching experience and professional or university level theatre design practice in costume, set design & scene painting. Background must include CAD & hand drafted theatre design & supervisory experience.

Any applicant who is interested in this position may apply to:

Mark Dean, Chair
Professor of Lighting Design
Department of Drama/Dance
The University of Montana
Missoula MT 59812

Alienating Adjunct Angst Reveals Itself to Angular Anne from Alabaster, Alabama. And We're Actually Anxious About How She'll Be Affected Academically.

I had heard that being an adjunct was the dreaded position of all positions, and yet I willingly took it on. Actually, I am taking a year off of my doctoral program (yes, yes, it's career suicide; right, right, I'll never go back...I've heard all this, and I'm doing it anyway) to do more teaching. I like teaching, and I had grown comfortable doing it at my old Huge Public U. However, now, as an adjunct at two small colleges, I'm confronted with the disturbing sense that I HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE WHAT I'M DOING.

It is not that I am unsure about my teaching skills, my lesson plans, or my philosophies of education. Rather, I don't know how to get a frickin' copy made. I don't know why the door to my 8 AM classroom is locked, and I don't know who has the key. I don't know when book orders are due until after I get an angry email from the book store. I don't know who needs a copy of my syllabus, and I certainly don't know how to access my goddamn email account despite having politely asked every possible department on campus.

Is this how my students have felt all these years? Are they too on the outside of the system looking in, forced to ask seemingly inane questions, groping for any piece of information they can get?

I am not an idiot. I'm fairly well-versed in copy machines and computers. I like to do things myself, and I don't nag people unnecessarily. But it seems the first step to degrading adjuncts is leaving them completely cut off from basic information.

I have never doubted myself so much: did I miss an important mailing? Was I not listening well enough? Is there some kind of adjunct mailing list that I am missing out on? Phone circle? Book club? No. I am only an adjunct. And I just don't know.

How Do Y'All Think This One Turned Out? Play Along At Home.

The only scratchings on a final exam from spring semester:

I have been contemplating whether to go on with this final exam or not. I have elected instead to make a vow that I will not turn in my books, that I will not throw away my notes, but instead keep them and use them relentlessly all summer. I will come back next fall with a new awareness of what the [X] period was all about.

My skills will be completely polished and I will be adept to discuss any issue that could arise from the time period. I am willing to accept this as a challenge against my ability to master a study. I'm confident that this can all be achieved.

In return, as a sign of good faith, I feel that a letter grade "C" would be most reflective of the type of student that I really am. Not that other classes should have any bearing on my performance in [X] history, but I had a 3.2 GPA 1st semester and this will be my only blemish amongst A's this semester.

I have page after page of notes that should prove that I'm not a sub-C student but I haven't been able to piece them together for any continuity that would merit higher than a C – unless you feel this is necessary. I am more than willing to educate myself on these matters over the summer for a little understanding. Thank You.

Call for Posts: Gustav.

We'd love to hear from our brothers and sisters in the path of Gustav. What's going on weatherwise? What is your college's status for this week?


Write us here.

If Food Facilities and the Campus Pool Fall Under "Biosafety," You Might Consider Bringing a Sack Lunch and Skipping Water Aerobics. RYS Job Finder!

University of California - Riverside
BIOSAFETY & ENVIRONMENT
$4,451-$6,471/Month

A career, full-time position with an expected duration of three years with the possibility of continuation contingent upon funding. Schedule of hours is Monday-Friday, 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Able and willing to respond to emergencies; enter potentially hazardous environments in Level A or B protective equipment; and provide occasional after-hours responses and routine on-call services.

Essential Functions: Under the direction of the Biological Safety Officer, candidate will support biosafety program designed to facilitate campus research initiatives while protecting people and the environment from the adverse effects of research involving living organisms (e.g., microbes, animals, plants, insects), in a rapidly growing and evolving research and teaching environment. Perform a variety of scientific and technical duties in the campus Laboratory and Research Safety Program, and collaborate with all EH&S staff in the efficient, integrated delivery of services to the campus community. Perform all public health inspections and plan review for campus, including food facilities, bathing places, water quality, vector biology and control, solid and liquid waste, emergency preparedness and response including disaster sanitation, and temporary food service locations.

Minimum Requirements:
• Bachelor’s degree in Biology, Microbiology, Biochemistry, Medical science or related discipline.
• Current State of California Registered Environmental Health Specialist (REHS) certification (or exam eligible upon employment).
• Demonstrated experience with performing health inspections of food facilities, public bathing places, and temporary food facilities.

• Knowledge of and demonstrated experience in regulations specific to food facilities and public bathing places.
• Sophisticated computer capabilities in Microsoft Office and interactive web environment.
• Physical ability to move full 55 gallon drums with appropriate equipment assistance, lift 40 pounds, wear and utilize self-contained breathing apparatus

Preferred Qualifications:
• Master’s degree in a related discipline.

University of California - Riverside
1160 University Avenue
Riverside, CA 92521

Online App. Form: http://www.hr.ucr.edu/jobs

"Students I Already Hate." Southside Sammy from South Dakota Hips Us to Repeat Guy and His "Musical Learning."

I know it’s only the third day of the semester but there are already students that I hate. For instance:

Overeager girl, who's hand shot up in the air every time I asked a question in class. True, she did have relevant input. She also had to say it three times before I was able to move on.

Overeager girl Jr., who also has valid points. But she also liked to interrupt other students to make them. Several times.

Nervous guy, who is terrified of public speaking (lucky for me he's in my Public Speaking course), and has to tell me every chance he gets that he really, really thinks that he is going to puke when he gets up in front of the class to introduce his classmate Friday. And every other time that he has to speak. Awesome.

Vacation girl, who just emailed to say that she would be missing Friday's class because she was going on vacation for the holiday (didn't she just have three and a half months vacation? And a three-day weekend isn't enough to recuperate after the first four days of class?). Oh, but she said I shouldn't worry because everything was all taken care of (if it wasn't she would be in class). Whew, that makes me feel better. She then demanded to know when she could make up the quiz she would miss (even though it explicitly states in the syllabus that the quizzes can't be made up).

And finally, the student that I'm dreading the most…

Repeat guy, who has already taken the course, but for some reason is taking it again this semester. His previous professor, a friend of mine, emailed me last week, asking if he was in my class. When I told him RG was in my class, she responded that RG was an "interesting"student. Shit, I know what that means. My friend later tells me that RG had stayed after class one day, closed the classroom door and proceeded to cuss her out when he got an F on an assignment. Later, he had also sent an F-bomb laced email about the same assignment to reinforce how unhappy he was. She said she dealt with him after this, and he managed to scrape by with a D+.

He missed the first day of class so I was optimistic that he would drop, but he showed up today. He got a syllabus and seemed nice enough, so I went about my lecture. As we were talking about dealing with nervousness (the first thing I address in a Public Speaking course) he raised his hand and asked, "I'm not nervous about giving my speeches. Do I need to take notes on this?" Later (since he obviously didn't need to know how to deal with nervousness and was looking at the syllabus instead of listening) he asked a completely irrelevant question about an assignment that isn't due until the 10th week of class. In the middle of the lecture. I told him we would talk about it later and moved on. The whole time he had one earbud in his right ear, and I noticed a PSP sitting on his desk. After class was over, he came up to ask another question. After answering, I told him he needed to take his earbud out of his ear when he was in class. The conversation went as follows:

Me: You need to take the earbud out when in class.

RG: No. It helps me learn.

Me: How?

RG: You know, um, musical learning.

Me: (completely blown away by this response) I don't think so. It's my policy that all iPods, mp3 players or other music players are turned off and put away during class.

RG: But…

Me: We're not going to argue about this in class. If you would really like to plead your case, come see me in my office hours.

RG: But…

He didn't come by during office hours today. Now I have to wait until Friday to see if he is going to try to use his earbud again.

Did I mention that all of these students are in the same class?!?