The Campus Mascot Ate My Homework, and Other Whopper Excuses

We've recently had a variety of student excuses from our readers, and our favorites are below:

• A student turned in a late group report that he was responsible for typing, telling me that he had it done in time, but that he'd stuck it in the arm of his tiger costume - he's the college mascot - and forgot it there, unable to retrieve it for 2 days because it was locked in the sports department offices.
• Student told me that he missed class because he was sitting in an empty classroom for an entire week (he told me he thought it odd that there were no other students present) and finally went to the department office and found out we had moved across the hall.
• My student sent me a long and labored email about how sick her granny was, and how she was in Atlanta (100 miles away from here) at Granny's bedside, typing on her dad's laptop, and would be unable to meet with me to discuss her exam. The email popped in my email box at 3:42 in the afternoon. At 3:44 I walked out of my office and into one of the college's parking lot and found her sitting on the hood of her car, all pretty, catching some sun, chatting with friends.
• A student on the verge of being dropped for lack of attendance brought me 6 of his speeding tickets to show me that they had all occurred in the late afternoon nearby, right before my class. "I was on my way," he said, shaking the tickets at me.
• On a 5 question in-class writing quiz, a student left 1 of the answers totally blank (the one that was worth half the points that week). When I turned them back and asked her about the missing answer, she said her textbook didn't include that information. I told her I'd show her if she'd bring me her book. She said it was in her car, and that she'd bring it to my office later. 10 minutes after class she walked into my office and showed me her otherwise brand new textbook, and turned to the exact location of the information. Indeed, 2 pages were missing from her textbook, evidenced by badly torn edges, some of it still - almost comically - drifting in the air as she unveiled the gap.
• One of my students asked for a week's delay in taking a major test because her cousin had died. When she arrived for the make-up exam she gave me an obituary notice clipped from the paper (not that I had asked for it). As she started taking the test I noticed that the date of the paper was on the flip side, and it showed June 11, 2004. I stopped her and noted the date and for a moment she looked startled, and then said, "I know. I just found out."

The Freshmen, My God, The Freshmen - What Are We Going to Do About the Freshmen

I never wanted to be the one who turned his back on freshmen. As a junior faculty member, I always hated those older colleagues who ran from freshmen courses and spent their dwindling and precious time with upper level students and graduates. I always swore that would not be me.

And in the early days, of course, I had no problem keeping my vow. I had to teach a certain amount of first year courses, and so I found ways to do it, found ways to meet the challenge of what was basically a room full of high school students. I told myself I loved their freshness, their energy.

But now I find myself at mid-career (or so), and when my Dean sent around the Spring class schedule, I put a clean stroke through my name next to our department's intro level course, and replaced it with a senior-only course.

The freshmen. I can't do it another day. I can't tell them to shush, to bring their notebooks to class, to please quit bothering Kayla. To please put on something other than pajama pants and beach shoes. I can't take another one asking if we could have class outside, or "Can I use the bathroom?" (I don't know. can you?)

I don't want to teach "college" anymore to them. I don't want to explain where the cafeteria is or where the library is. I don't want to hold their hands. I don't want them to tell me their dad might be giving me a call.

I just want the freshmen to go away.

Where One Reader Reaches Out to Another, and As Always, We're Lightened By the Idea That RYS Might Actually Do Some Good

That was me, three years ago. I left the job and went to another school. You need to do the same, it seems to me.

It’s amazing how our expectations for academe, and our students, can be dashed so quickly. Alas, smart people can indeed also be sexist assholes. Students at good schools can, and often do, possess the intellectual depth of a paper plate. At my old job—at a small New England liberal arts school that was supposed to be the job every grad student dreams about—this ended up being my reality. Sociopath department-mates, a large proportion of students not only uninterested, but belligerently so, the steadily growing desire to light myself on fire in the middle of the hall...you get the picture.

I know it’s easier said than done—in fact it’s quite difficult to do—but you need to find another place. I don’t believe there are unfixable mistakes. It’s just a question of recognizing what needs to be fixed. It doesn’t sound like you need to be fixed, but the environment does. Sometimes the grass *is* greener on the other side. I felt many of the same things you do now—did I choose the wrong career? Will I ever get published? Tenured? Do all departments act like this? And I decided that if I was constantly asking those questions then I needed to be somewhere else. There’s a happy ending—I ended up at a much better place. Is it perfect? No, but it’s a hell of a lot better than where I was and I’ve lost the urge to perform hara-kiri during department meetings. So I’ve got that going for me.

Despite all the gloomy assessments, there are other jobs out there. And if you’re willing to be flexible enough to escape a hellish situation, you can get another one. Take the plunge and fix what you can fix!

Good luck, and keep your head up.


we found today's image at http://www.bradthegame.com/

Fear

I'm in my fifth year as a college professor, currently on my 3rd year of a 6 year tenure clock at a liberal arts college in the Pacific Northwest.

Fear runs my career. I am fearful that if I offend or challenge my students that they'll give me low evaluations, and that will make my chair look less favorably on me. I am fearful that this book I'm writing will not find a publisher, and that I will have spent 2 years on a project that will earn me nothing toward tenure.

I am fearful that if I don't laugh at the sexist and horrible jokes of my colleagues that I'll be branded an intolerant feminist. I am fearful that since I am not married, that senior colleagues and administration will not take me seriously.

I am fearful that my students think of me as too young to earn their respect. I am fearful that I have made the wrong choices about my career, and that I will wake up one day realizing that I've made unfixable mistakes.

I fear that I'm waking up right now.

Someone Needs to Switch to Something - Anything - Decaffeinated

It is probably instructive to remember that these people were in high school three months ago, having recess, smoking crack behind the bleachers, begging Annie or Andy to go to the prom, distracted by Paris Hilton video tricks and YouTube gross-out humor.

But has nobody in their lives ever taught them about being adults, about being citizens, about living in a world where there might be people from different places, different states, people who don't think every piece of ignorant drivel that spills from their mouths is worthy of a little 3rd place ribbon and a photo in the high school newsletter?

• Rich, you can start wearing pants to class. Pajamas are for church camp breakfast. And if I have to smell your unwashed body one more time when you come breezing in at 10:05, I'm going to mail you a bar of Irish Spring.
• Patty, I'm pleased that you had that big meeting with Jesus last summer in Boca Raton, but if you can quit asking why Muslims hate you, why Muslims wear what they wear, why Mohammed had 97 wives, or why the "Shah" of Iran hates a good man like George Bush, I'll pay you one thousand of my own dollars. This is, after all, a computer course, not Geopolitical Christian Advancement.
• Tori, I don't give a shit how beloved you were at Whatever High. Here at the college we have to actually turn work in. I don't know why your mom's visit to our fair city means you get a week off. Didn't you just see her last month when she and you "bought out all the furniture stores" to furnish your dorm room?
• Nick, I would call you a meathead to your face, but I'm convinced you'd think you were suddenly in the cafeteria and would try to eat me - or at least order an extra helping.
• Taryn, you think joking with me in class is a sign that we're equals. It's not. It means you're a little bitch who has had every opportunity, every gift, and you probably watch with pitched interest every "My Super Sweet 16" episode, wondering why their parties pale to the one you get every time you drop a turd or burp up that strawberry yogurt permanently attached to your hand. I am not your pal, or someone so easily charmed by your claims that my "Goodwill-store-chic" is just like your dear old "Gramps."

Other than that, the semester is going great.



Today's image is an edited version of somethign found at http://ewancient.lysator.liu.se

What To Do About Disruptive Students

Has this faculty member investigated any background information on this student?

On my campus we have a network--from the Student Affairs folks to the Center for Students with Disabilities--that provides support in these sorts of situations. We have the ability to have someone removed from a class if they continue to be disruptive after a reasonable attempt on the faculty member's part to bring order.

I'd contact the student's advisor, see if there's information about this student you weren't given (he/she has some sort of disability that causes" acting out", for example), and then check out the rules for dealing with non-academic misconduct at your University. Professors have rights, too, as do the other students in this class.

Someone Unloads - The Hose Post

I've just left my classroom and I'm exhausted. For three weeks I've had to battle bad behavior by a student. I've only been teaching for 1 year, and this has never been a problem for me before.

I'll call my student BM. BM thinks he's still in high school. BM is everyone's buddy, and acts as though he's my pal, even though I have to ask him to be quiet about 5 times an hour. He acts up, goofs off, eats in class, disturbs other people, and generally acts like a wild animal suddenly asked to live in a nice hotel. No matter how I ask, no matter that I've had a meeting in my office with him, he won't stop talking in class when someone else is talking, he won't do the work, and even bad grades don't seem to worry him.

After getting an F back on a quiz, he came up to the front of the room and said, "I'm going to do better. But you have to help, too." And then he smiled big and was gone.

Most days I can manage to keep class together. But today was the worst. He continued standing up front near my desk and chatting out the door with some buddies long after I asked him to sit down. Then when he did take his seat, he muttered to a classmate until I finally had to ask him to be quiet.

He gave me a happy look and was quiet for 3 minutes. When someone across the room made a moderately humorous insight about a reading we had done, he started to fake laugh loud enough to make me think he might be some species of hyena. All I wanted was to find a fire hose and spray him with it.

What am I to do? I'm afraid the other students don't respect me now, and I've started to notice that BM's bad behavior is encouraging other students to pay less attention, and react more slowly to assignments. I want to solve this, but I don't want to overreact.

Help!

You know, When Someone Signs Off with "Much Love," We Rarely Believe It - AKA The Commoditization Post

A major theme on RYS is professors complaining about how they have crappy, lazy, entitled students due to the commoditization of college degrees. I generally agree with this sentiment and find it disturbing that jobs that used to require a high school diploma and a modicum of common sense now require a B.A. and $30,000 in student loan debt. But what I really wonder, reading these repeated posts about lazy, entitled students who are just buying a college degree is, WHY IS THIS NEWS? I mean, this "degree deflation" has been going on for at least 20 years (right along with grade inflation, one supposes).

I started noticing it when I was 16 and the slick marketing brochures full of business-speak from colleges started appearing in the mail, along with advertisements for the attendant multi-billion-dollar industry that preys on anxious parents and high school students applying to colleges. Did all of these professors who have begun teaching in the last 15 or so years seriously make it through college application processes, college, and graduate school without noticing colleges are chock-full of students buying degrees? Were they totally oblivious to the sea change in university marketing in the United States? Or did they labor under the delusion that there was a magical college somewhere else where students cared, perhaps one starting with an "H" and ending with an "arvard"?

The traditional route for individuals who go to college because they love to learn and get mind-broadening but commercially useless (usually liberal arts) degrees is to go to law school and become lawyers. It's fully as frustrating and frequently as useless as teaching students who don't give a shit - I've done both - but it pays a lot better, and the rankings you get are in fat dusty books in the physical library rather than online, so nobody looks at them and they don't affect your pay or hurt your feelings. But seriously -- if you KNOW college degrees are commoditized and universities are busy marketing them as such, why is it so shocking and upsetting that you've opted to work in a system that functions that way?

Why is there no movement to either a) cut the pretense and adapt the system to function as a commoditized training school for future employment or b) detach from the current system and create new centers of education that are truly focused on learning? Sure, if you went off and started your own collegial institutions that were truly about thinking and education and the life of the mind, you'd be risking your salaries and health care. But if you guys were in it for the money and security rather than the advancement of knowledge for the sake of all mankind, wouldn't you be lawyers?

With much love from a lawyer with spectacularly commercially useless but hugely mind-broadening liberal arts bachelor's, social sciences bachelor's, and liberal arts master's degrees, and the student loans to prove it.

Where We Hear From Someone Who Loves The Job And Who Deserves A Lot Better

I am a lowly adjunct who often teaches in large state schools and universities within the 100 mile radius of where I live.

My students have varying abilities, but I have high expectations of all of them, and I let them know it. I assign fairly large amounts of very difficult readings, and I expect them to come to class having read them and being ready to discuss. And by and large, they do it. I assign short and long paper assignments, and I grade very harshly, and most of my students work hard to improve their writing and research skills. I treat them as intellectual equals, and frame my class as a learning experience for all of us. Most of the students really respond to my course structure and workload by studying very hard (slackers tend to drop my courses). I have been teaching this way for a few years now, and I am receiving the best evaluations ever in 11 years of teaching.

I love my work, my classes, and my students. And yet I think about leaving academe everyday, not because of slacker/horrible students, but because I can't afford to pay my rent.

I get paid effectively less than minimum wage as an adjunct in the humanities, no benefits, and all this after working my ass off for almost 10 years and accruing more than $100,000 in debt (yes, like most of my students, I put myself through undergrad and graduate school). I have a degree from a respected graduate program, and I am a great teacher, but I am in that window between graduating and getting a tenure-track job that is so debilitating it makes me (and most of my colleagues in the same position) want to slit my wrists. In short, I wish that full-time faculty, administrators, and the academic institutions I work for would appreciate me half as much as my students do.

We Recommend the Margarita. Actually A Couple of Them. Step Away From the Computer, And Go Get Something to Drink Right Now.

I'm wondering what to do with my life now that I don't think I can stand teaching any longer. My complaints, however, have less to do with the students themselves. I like them, in general. Sure, there are some who are lazy and some who are not ready (intellectually or emotionally) to be in college, but, for the most part, they are fairly enthusiastic when approached with my own enthusiasm.

Herein lies the rub; I cannot stand the crap that goes along with teaching. I hate the meetings about how many pens we need to buy (who cares?). I hate the meetings where colleague A has to ask a question that clearly ONLY pertains to her and about which I have to listen for an extra 20 minutes when I could be grading / reading / writing / running / sleeping / drinking a margarita / doing any other damned thing I please.

I hate the paperwork and the not-even-thinly-disguised "students as customers with a return policy" thing that allows my students to drop my class during the LAST week of classes!!!! Why the hell should Joe Student be able to "return" 14 weeks of my time and effort? That's time and effort I could have been spending on Jane Student, or again, on myself. The school's desire to rope that sucker student into having to pay for my class again is unethical on so many levels that it makes me want to tell all of my students up front on day one that retaking the class simply because you didn't like your grade is playing right into their hands. And sometimes I even DO say that.

My thoughts are, that when I actually calculate how many hours I spend in administrative meetings etc., and work that into the salary, I really am getting bilked myself. And hell, if I'm going to have to sit in meetings and listen to marketing plans (thinly described as retention management), I might as well get a 9-5 job that PAYS a lot more.

But the sad part is, I love the teaching part and I'd really, really miss my students. There's no real way out of my cage; is there?

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Post-Script
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An interested reader sends in this terrific advice as a follow-up to today's posting:

• always bring grading to any meeting with more than 10 people
• never be on a committee with fewer than 10 people

Where A New Reader Offers A Good Take on the Ongoing iPod / Cell Phone Trouble, and Where We Likely Sign Our Own Death Warrant

Frankly, I would prefer to keep MY iPod in my ears during class because my students don't offer much intellectual stimulation. "Son of a Preacher Man" is more interesting poetically. And if you want to get down to sheer poetry, I don't think "Jumping Jack Flash" can be beat, even by Ezra Pound.

The thing that really bugs me are the cell phones going off in class. I have a new policy. If a cell phone rings in class, I call the caller and have a little chat just to run up the student's minutes. Since I've been doing that, cell phone use in my class has decreased dramatically. Just a little tip.



RYS has nothing whatsoever to do with Apple or any iPod product. That image up there is not ours. It's been manhandled and edited some, skewed, transformed, colorized. We've stripped the Apple "apple" logo, added the 22% funny "rysPOD" lettering. It's probably still copyright infringement. Steve Jobs has probably sent several black helicopters over here now to Smiling Valley Crescent with instructions to leave bloody footprints on my ceramic tile. But I just thought a little graphic to go with today's entry might be fun. Probably not. I'm probably done for.

What's This? Reasonable Replies to a Question? We're Having a Hard Time Squeezing in Something So Normal. Why Can't You Be a Crank?

With regard to the "teacher lady," who asked how to take evaluations seriously (but not too seriously), there are a couple of things to keep in mind.

First and foremost, think of your evaluations as akin to any other distribution - there's a broad middle that is rougly similar, and outliers on both extremes. So, for instance, if one little cherub writes, "Teacher lectures too much - me not like listen!" and another writes, "Teacher has too much discussion - me not like talk!" you let them cancel each other out, and focus on the middle - which might well suggest that you have a pretty good balance of the two.

Second, if less than 10% of the class complains about your grading, reading load, or teaching style, ignore the comments. You'll never be perfect, and in any class, you're probably going to have about 10% D's or F's. Why don't people like your grading? Because they don't do well. Why don't people like the reading load? Because they don't take the class seriously. Why don't people like your teaching style? It is obviously because you didn't take long walks on the beach with them while re-reading your Powerpoint notes, the kind of teaching their uniqueness dictates.

Third, think about what you actually value in terms of teaching, and then ask, "What kinds of comments might serve as a measure of my performance in this area?" Odds are pretty good that the scantron portion of your evaluations don't do this well - they're often akin to push polls, and they don't take into consideration and control for student performance and attendance.

But if, say, you think that a key part of what you're doing is trying to relate the theories you cover in class to real world applications in current events, and at least one student says, "I like how the professor takes the theories we study and show their real world application," then you've got a decent indication that you're doing what you want to do in that particular area. The more comments like this, the better.

Can you infer much from written comments in the end? Should you be drawing broad and powerful conclusions about your worth as a human being and scholar? No - whether or not they write is a function of self-selection, by and large - they're either mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore, or they're enamored of you. Either way, they're akin to the crazies who call C-Span at 6:30 am.

What you need to look for are broad trends and consensus, and even that isn't much of a measure. In the end, you're the best judge of what you're doing - you've got the training and the expertise; you know what you want to do. So long as you're near your departmental averages in numbers, and not egregiously bad in written comments, you're probably fine.



photo from: http://echonews.com/942/

Where a Reader Points Out An Undeniable Truth - Meaning, It's Something RYS Believes to Be True

The student who claims that "if you can't explain why it's *not* an A, then it *is* an A," seems to be laboring under a rather large misconception that I have seen in many students. He or she seems to be assuming that papers (like exams) start out as an A and are graded down for specific reasons (like grammar or spelling).

I have encountered this attitude before. Students will come to you with a B paper and wonder why it was a B when the only thing they see wrong are the minor spelling errors. When you attempt to explain that the paper does not demonstrate the insight or thoroughness of an A paper their faces become blank and they wander away thinking you are just an unreasonable douchebag.

I'm sure it would not occur to this student who got the "excellent" B that what his paper lacked was perhaps a demonstration that he really had something new, or thoughtful to say. Perhaps he simply spit back the information he found on Wikipedia (or some such) without any real insight or innovation. Such a paper may be technically "excellent" without being worthy of an A.

The 'Teacher Lady' Is a Fan, and That Brings Us Insane Pleasure - She Wants to Know More About What We Do With Student Evaluations After We Cry

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I wanted to write and let you know: Your blog is responsible for saving my sanity (and perhaps my life.)

I am a third-year doc student who thought that perhaps teaching college students would be a fulfilling and worthwhile enterprise. And then the reality of teaching college at an "open-enrollment" state school bitch-slapped me about the face and neck and made me wonder where the hell I got that idea in the first place.

I also wanted to write to say this: If one more person says, "If you've managed to have a positive effect on just ONE student, you've done your job," I will not be held responsible for my actions. Do we say this to physicians? "If you manage to keep just ONE of your patients from dying, then you've done your job?" Would YOU want to go to this doctor? Would you want your parent/spouse/sibling/child to go to this doctor? Probably not. But when it comes to education, let's set the bar high, people. Just ONE person is all we need to teach.

Finally - at the risk of sounding like a self-promotion junkie, I encourage you to check out this recent post of mine.

I thought the timing was too uncanny to not include it and I also want to know: What do other professors do with their course evals? Toss them in the trash (unread) as one of my commenters suggested? How do take your evals seriously (but not TOO seriously)? How do you know what is just spoiled-brat whining and what is legitimate criticism? If you figure this out, please post about it.

First Semester Parent Jitters

God help me.

Two weeks in to the fall semester, and I have already heard from an over-achieving mother, worried that I am not giving their Precious Little Unique Snowflake enough attention. Indeed, I am expecting too much from PLUS -- could I cut her some slack?

Specifically, I should make sure she gets to class on time -- if she's not there when I get there, perhaps I could call her room and make sure she's OK?

If her work isn't in on time, could I grant an extension?

Also, I should make she she's had breakfast, because she's much more responsive when she has a full tummy. If she HASN'T eaten, I should send her right to the caf to pick up a little something to nosh during class.

Why, on God's green Earth, is it considered appropriate for a parent to call a professor?

I calmly explained that it was inappropriate for me to discuss things with the mom, as the student is over 18 and an adult. I also explained that I was not a baby-sitter. I referred the mom to the counseling center, if she was that concerned about her daughter's well-being. Then, frankly, I hung up on her.

I documented the shit out of it with my department head, as well.


photo from: http://faalessons.workforceconnect.org

Professor Smackdown's Cousin Sends in a Rapid Response Reply to Today's Obvious Earlier Posting - We're Nothing if Not Eager to Swiftly Address Things

Today's poster presumes that we, as professors, can choose the kinds of students we teach merely by altering our teaching styles (i.e., getting "tougher"). As much as I wish this were true, it isn't.

Getting more rigorous would not chase away bad students from our classes. Those bad students would stick with our classes, and when they invariably fail our classes they will trash the professors on their evaluations and/or RMP.

Moreover, even if getting tougher did successfully drive away the lazy and unmotivated students, there wouldn't be enough hard-working, motivated students left for our classes to make. This, in turn, would get us into trouble with the administration for not "retaining" enough students to keep our enrollments up. It would also cause us problems with the administration when we fail too many students.

In sum, we are stuck with lazy, unmotivated students either way. Teaching style is not the issue (i.e., whether we are "hard" or "easy"). The issue is partly spineless adminstrators that cater to parents and their spoiled, entitled children in an effort to keep the money flowing to the institution. The cultural norm that has arisen over the last 20 years of treating a college education as a commodity that everyone is entitled to have is also to blame. Bad high schools don't help either.

The point is, I'm sick of taking the blame. No matter what I do, or don't do, in the classroom I'm always going to have students who have no business being in college (and quite frankly, don't want to be in college). That's not my fault.


Today's photo comes from: http://www.mayer-johnson.com/

The Law of Obviousness Applies In Today's Post - But We're Not Against Stating the Obvious When It's Also Delicious

You don't need to tell me that a lot of students are stupid and carry an overwhelming sense of entitlement. Trust me, I noticed. But, I find that professors generally get the kind of students they deserve.

Professors who have a reputation for being a soft touch get classes full of morons looking for a GPA boost, while professors known for being tough and serious get motivated, intelligent students.

One of my colleagues in Philosophy is generally regarded as being one of the toughest at the university, and his classes are filled with students who sincerely want to learn philosophy, who do the readings, and who idolize him. His lectures go half an hour past the official time and everyone is happy to stay for the full class and then stick around even later for a Q&A period.

If you hate the students you're getting, be serious and demanding. If you're any good (and, really, you have to consider the possibility that you're not) you'll get a reputation for it. The serious students will find you and the slackers will steer clear.

Somebody Wonders About The Blame Game, And We Always Try to Get Involved In That

After reading the post on August 15, I have to wonder if that writer has ever encountered a typical undergraduate student at all. Most professors show infinite patience with some really pain- in-the-ass students. There are students who don't do their homework and expect A's for no effort whatsoever. They don't attend classes and think the point of college is "Greek life." I've seriously heard students complain that they couldn't do their homework because they spent the week getting indoctrinated into their fraternity and expect us to have sympathy for this. Please, no.

And, in all fairness, if students really think it's so bad for professors to vent a little, then maybe they should take it down a few notches on the professor-rating sites. Student identities are actually protected on RYS - a courtesy not given on professor-rating sites.

Then again, while I'd like student attitudes to change, I think the real problem is university administration and parents. The universities pimp their degrees as something to be purchased, and the parents respond in kind. Students go in with the impression that their parents have bought a degree for them and that no further effort is actually required.

If universities started focusing more on education, and parents started teaching their children the values of actual hard work, maybe more students would actually care about classes. Some might say that teachers are just as responsible for instilling this lesson, but how can they when it's not reinforced at home or by the high schools?

There is plenty of blame to go around.


photo from http://www.familybiblehour.com/

Curse You Shopping Students

I am at my wit's end. At my college (SLAC in the South), students are encouraged to shop around for classes at the semester's beginning. You will sometimes get 30 people in your classroom on the first day - in a class that holds 20 - and you're expected to entertain the clods in hopes they'll all stay, make your class popular, help your name to rise above the other doltish faculty who are all doing the same thing.

So many professors front-load their courses with huzzahs and whizzers and bells, because nobody wants to be the guy who ends up with 12 students when your colleagues all have bulging classrooms. (I don't have tenure; these things matter to me.)

And so the students drift in and out for a few days looking for the easy ride, the most personable and affable environment. They don't give a shit about seeking the best education.

Across the hall from me, another junior faculty member brought in 3 dozen donuts on the first day. I heard them laughing and doing quotes from "40 Year Old Virgin" most of that first morning. (These are Sociology classes, by the way.)

Like a goon, I was talking that day about the syllabus. What a stooge. My class will likely be empty today, the shoppers having all gone elsewhere.

One Big Crazy Freaking List of Suggestions Designed to Make the Classroom Better...Really...We're Not Joking. This is Stuff People Send Us.

Recently we've been getting lots of lists, lists of things students should do in order to be more successful, lists of things faculty member should stick up their asses because we're notoriously (or famously?) tight-assed - at least in the view of the modern and hip students who apparently aren't.

We've decided to put together a compilation list of advice for students, drawing from several submissions. If you'd like to play a game, try to guess which of these are real, which are phony and fun, and which were composed by people who need to start doubling up on the meds. You'd be discouraged at how many are real suggestions from students and faculty. We won't even bother telling you.

1. Go to every class. Being present is often more important than being a good student. You'll pick up a lot just from being there. It's important never to miss class. Missing class is okay, as long as you do the work that is assigned. Call the professor before you miss class. Call the professor after you miss class.
2. Do all the assigned readings before class. If you read in class, you won't be able to highlight the things the lecturer says. Read aloud all of your assignments to a roommate or friend. Do the assigned readings in a quiet space. Do all reading in your normal study environment. Try to stay after class and read before going to the cafeteria or your afternoon job.
3. Do the homework as close to the time of class as possible, so that the material will be fresh in your head. Do the homework the night before. Do the homework with a classmate. Do any homework after showing a rough draft to the instructor. Type all homework. Keep your homework in a binder.
4. Do professional-quality work. Type your assignments. Make them look good. The appearance of your final project is more important than the content. Do not worry about typing formats. The content of your work is far more important than its presentation.
5. Use standard English spelling, grammar, and usage. You look terrible if you don't, because they really do help communication. If you need help, a copy of The Elements of Style by W. Strunk Jr. and E. B. White costs only about $8 on eBay.
6. If you can't get to class, go to the professor's office and ask for help. If your professor doesn't have any office hours listed, go to the office of the Dean of the University or the Chair of the Department to request the hours.
7. Be organized. Enjoy your youth and party hard, but only on the weekends. Manage your time effectively. Always have something to write with and on. Don't let time get away from you. Don't forget to enjoy each sunrise.
8. Make sure you keep your phone set to vibrate.
9. If you need to use the bathroom, just go. This isn't high school.
10. Don't sell your books at the end of the semester. Don't buy your books until it's clear which books your teacher is actually using. Buy your books on half.com. Don't buy used books. Buy only used books. Find books in the library. Don't write in your book. Write in the margins of all of your books.

photo from http://apple.qj.net/

A Three Point Plan To Stop Being So Damn Silly - or "Wow, You're Delusional"

As expected, we got a lot of mail about yesterday's post. But, we never did get the kind of "smackdown" we expected. Instead, faculty members mostly yawned about the poster's poor understanding of what it means when professors assess the value of a student's effort, attitude, and work. The most common remarks we heard were: "silly," "naive," and "delusional."

But we do want to note that a lot of mail came in about it, so here's a post that takes on some of the specific issues raised yesterday:

In your post to Rate Your Students, you appear to be telescoping together three completely different issues.

One, you mention the possibility of a professor creating a mathematical error in totaling up your final grade. I don't know of any instructors who won't change a grade in a case like that, if it turns out that is what actually happened. And most will run the numbers again if you suggest the possibility of a computational error.

Second, you mention professors writing "Excellent" at the top of a paper and putting a "B" at the bottom. I can understand why that is frustrating, and I (and most instructors) are careful not to do that. On the other hand, if what the instructor really wrote is "X, Y, and Z are excellent, but A, B, and C could be better," then you've already gotten your explanation. If the instructor's response to the paper in question really was as you describe--"Excellent," a B, and no other comments--your attitude may go far in explaining why your professors reacted to your request for elaboration with hostility-- "If you can't explain why it's not an A, it is an A," does not to me give the impression of a student who is seeking knowledge for its own sake. A better approach might be to ask, "Which parts of this (test, paper, whatever) were you reacting to when you wrote 'Excellent,' and which parts when you decided on a 'B' for the total grade?"

Thirdly, and this is the most problematic part, you say, "But the other eight professors I have this term say that my work does have that wow-factor, and suddenly you disagree?" You seem not to quite grasp here that instructors grade the assignment that is in front of them--not you as a whole person, or your holistic performance across all of the courses you are taking. It's entirely possible that your other 8 instructors are seeing better work (or that the last assignment you put in front of the same instructor was better work). It's also possible that your various instructors are looking at different things, so even if you (with permission) turn in the same work to two instructors, they might give it different grades.

I would suggest that you take your own advice and, when asking professors about your grades, "detach the hostility." You are 100% right that teachers should make every reasonable effort to ensure that you understand what aspects of your work need improvement, and that students should have some redress against human error in the calculation of grades. However, the attitude with which you make these points virtually guarantees that they will not be well-received.

I hate to break this to you, but you are not the only student who thinks that he or she is the one student who is so special that he or she should be able to behave obnoxiously with impunity. Plenty of us have a dozen or more of you every year. If you really are as terrific as you think you are, apply some of your vast intellect to figuring out the secrets of appropriate behavior in a hierarchical setting--I'll even tell you the first one for free: make polite requests for clarification of your teachers, rather than demands for "an explanation, or else." Learning this now will give you a head start over your fellow "rock stars" in later life.

This is the Kind of Posting That Makes Us Want To Chew On a Pistol and Create a New Tenure Track Position At Our College

So. Let's talk about this grade thing. First off, let's get one thing clear. I am a rock-star student. I am the person who understands allegory and allusion as well as computers and circuits. I am the person to whom you refer other students for help. I am the person who speaks up in class--better yet, I bring up other, related avenues of intellectual inquiry instead of going, "huh, when did you say the midterm was?"


I come to your office hours to continue our discussions, and what's more, I have a clue when I do. My papers are sparkling examples of intellect and wit, effortlessly mixing both the classics and pop-culture references. My writing makes you laugh! And occasionally cry! And then nod your head and say, "wow, great point!"

What's more, I work my adorable little tush off. I am finishing a double major baccalaureate degree in two and a half years. I average a load of 23 credits. I work 20-30 hours a week, depending on projects at work. When my cell phone goes off (on vibrate) in class and I leave to answer it (which has happened once in two years), it's my employer, and the shit has just hit one hell of a fan.

With very few exceptions, you all love me. Many of you want to adopt me, or at least give me a big, warm, fuzzy hug. Then you would like to clone me. Because in addition to all of the above, I smile and I learn your name and I show up to class and I talk to you about your day and your other interests instead of treating you as a faceless, unimportant professorimaton.

For most of you, I love you back. As a rule, I think you're a pretty awesome group of people. I definitely think you should get the hell out, because 1) you don't have tenure and you never will because of school policies, 2) the engineers just don't get your subjects, and 3) you can do way better than this midwestern city. With that said, I'm honestly grateful that you don't. At least not until I finish my degree. Then, hell, man, flee! Flee like the wind! I know I will.

But loving you and thinking that you're awesome doesn't mean that I won't ask about a grade if I can't understand why I got it. Will I be an asshole about it? No. Will I even argue for you to change it? No, I won't. But if I don't understand why I got that B, if there are no comments or feedback, or if what's there doesn't make sense to me, I will ask you. If you can back it up, then hey, awesome, no problem. I still love you. I'll take my lumps, learn from the experience, and knock you out on the next assignment.

However, there's a little principle I live by: if you can't explain why it's *not* an A, then it *is* an A. Now, I don't expect a comprehensive analysis. I know that you're busy, I know that you've got lots to do, and I know that a lot of an A is indeed that wow-factor. But the other eight professors I have this term say that my work does have that wow-factor, and suddenly you disagree? Yeah, I'd like to know why, and I'm going to find out. "This just didn't have the punch." "This just didn't have the insight." One of those are good enough.

But if you write "Excellent!!!" at the bottom, then put a B at the top, with no intervening comments, I will come and ask you, and you had best be prepared to defend your answer. If you can't defend your answer, and you don't do something about it, *then* the fangs come out. Yes, I care about learning. No, I'm not just here for the piece of paper. College has done a lot for me; it's opened my mind to several subjects I love, it's connected me with some really interesting people. But do I worry about GPA? Yes, I do, and for that I won't apologize. I'm most probably going to graduate school after this. My GPA is on my resume. As of the end of spring term, I was .01 point away from summa cum laude, and yes, I want to wear the honor cords when I walk across the stage. I think I've earned that. And 99% of my professors agree. If you don't? If you think that we're supposed to foster an air of intellectual discourse in the classroom, then *not* discuss the very assignments that are intended to further it? If you were grading late one night and transposed a quiz grade, making my curve-breaking A into a B? If you think that not being a "grade-grubber" demands that I silently accept any of the above? Then yes, you are wrong.

Or perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps, much like the hokey-pokey, shutting up and taking whatever mark you're handed back (even if you don't understand it) *is* what it's all about. But I don't think so. Not only that, but I think most of you will agree with me. We're not so far apart, you and I; we both want students to learn. Here, I wanted to write "so detach the hostility surrounding questions about grades"... but that's not really fair, is it?

I know I'm exceptional. I know that the vast majority of students who dispute their grades are not like me and do not act like me. I've seen it. I've heard it. I've been told about it by some of my current professors. And I have no doubt that if I do go to graduate school, I'll experience it first-hand. So given what you're asked to deal with, the hostility is fair and even apropos. Why am I writing this, then? Because there are always exceptions, and I am one of the exceptions. Rant all you want about the other 99% (Dog knows I do, too), but be open to said exceptions when they come along. Oh, and one last request.

Can you tell that guy simultaneously clicking his pen, tapping his foot, and chewing his gum to shut the bloody hell up?


photo from http://www.starmgc.com/

The 'Cranky Cassie' Mailbag

The recent Cranky Cassie mailing has generated a ton of response, most of it from our student readers. Primarily they wanted to note that this forum's mission has come to include students and faculty. And that is certainly true. Our professor to student rate is running about 4-1, but students have always been involved in the content of this page.

That having been said, however, we get a lot of mail from professors asking us why we allow so much student input on the page.

We do so because we have come to believe that communication among faculty and students might help us all better traverse the rocky terrain of the 21st century classroom.

Cranky Cassie Writes In and Tries to Reclaim This Space For All Professors. She's Not in Charge, By the Way, But We Get The Occasional Note Like This

I'm always amused by the students who feel compelled to write in to RYS and let all of us who frequent this space know how things look from the other side of the fence. First of all, we've all necessarily been there ourselves. And not only through (multiple) undergraduate degrees, but graduate ones as well. We're practically professional students until we land our first teaching gig.

Second, those who write in often do so to redeem the reputation of the hard-working students we weren't maligning in the first place.

But third, and by far most importantly, is the fact that we really weren't addressing them anyway.

To all of you students out there who for some reason regularly check up on this blog: this is not your forum. This is the grown-ups table. This is not where students and profs come to debate who's worse, or whose fault it is. This is where profs come to have a glass of wine and giggle about the lame excuses we've heard lately, or compare battle scars, or comfort ourselves after a brutalizing posting on RMP.

We need this to remind ourselves that yes, other people find this job hard too, and no, we're not the worst person in the world at it. You have your fora, and rightfully so. And at the end of the day, we want nothing more than to be good professors to you, and for you to do well. But you need to go away right now. Mommy's having her glass of wine with the other grown-ups.

photo from http://www.veggiechic.com

Summer's Over, School Has Begun. And While We're Tan and Rested, We Still Wonder Why We're Doing This Damn Job. But at Least We Get Fan Mail Sometimes

I'm a big fan of your site - please don't let your critics get you down. Professors definitely deserve a place to vent at least as much as the students do. There's one fact of life I'd like to remind your readers of, though. Evaluations - no matter if we're talking about the evaluations at the universities and colleges itself or the anonymous online ratings- don't measure popularity, or your intelligence - they measure nothing but the perceived efficiency of the class you teach, and of course they don't always do it accurately.

There is, for instance, a very kind and very motivated professor at my university who does his utmost to help the students who come to him during office hours with all sorts of questions. He has an open ear for student concerns, counsels people who are about to drop out and so forth. And we love and respect him for what he does. But I can tell he is getting disgusted with the ratings he receives; every year people tell him that his lecture notes stink (well, they DO), and so his overall rating never amounts to more than a B. Does that mean we're ungrateful, or haven't noticed he busts his butt to help his students? No. Were we asked to comment on that in the questionnaire? No again. And there's simply no way you can walk up to him and say "Dear Prof. T, we like you fine. Now stop sulking about your ratings and have a cookie."

Then there is more than one professor I could name who does nothing but throw formulas at you when he's lecturing to a large group, but is suddenly kind, motivated and helpful in a lab setting, where he has to face no more than a couple of reasonably interested and diligent students at a time. Again, what we'd like to tell him, even though we can't! - is this: "Dear Prof. R., we KNOW you are really a nice person. Why don't you let more people in on your dirty little secret - maybe, oh, starting with the people who only see you in your lectures?"

So, I'd like to remind you that students do notice if you're prepared to walk the extra mile for them. We do appreciate it if you are motivated, well-prepared and helpful, even if your ratings don't always reflect that. We may have no idea whether you are a celebrated researcher in your field, or whether your last publication appeared in 1983 - even if that sort of thing determines your status at department meetings. But we care about the quality of the work you do, and your attitude does make a difference to us.